What am I supposed to do? “Oh, hey, yeah, so, I just held my cat in my arms as he died. I had to euthanize him because he was had congestive heart failure, and was slowly drowning from pulmonary edema. I miss him so much, and I want to believe that he’s in a better place, but he’s just dead and gone, and I’m never gonna see him again. All I’ve got are memories, and they’re going to fade with time until one day I realize that I haven’t thought about him in years. But yo, how are you doin’? Any big plans for the weekend?”
You get up, and keep doing the shit you have to do, because it needs to get done. Telling people you’re really depressed tends to make them feel really awkward, they don’t know what to say, and then they gradually start ghosting you. Shit sucks, but you put a happy face on because no one wants to know that you aren’t happy.
You can simply say “yo I’m sad about my cat’s death”. Accept your feelings and dont be shy to share them, just dont impose them. It also opens buds to help you if they’re up for it.
Shutting them up only reinforces this idea that men dont cry and arent allowed to feel things, and the day you need actual help people will mock and leave you for being a downer and a weakling.
Friendships are built on the ups and the downs.
Also in this case, you need to let yourself grieve, or itll pop up in the future when you dont expect it to.
It also opens buds to help you if they’re up for it.
My experience has been that being emotionally open tends to make people withdraw. Should it be that way? Of course not. Should I get better friends? Yeah, that would be cool, and I wish that was as easy to do as it is to say. I’ve found that many relationships and friendships end up being somewhat transactional; people are there for the good times, but aren’t interested in the emotional labor when shit gets real. I try to be there for people when they’re going through shit, but that doesn’t seem to be reciprocated.
If I sound bitter, well, I am. And cynical.
A lot of people I had thought were friends ghosted me when I failed to complete suicide and had a 72 hour hold. My ex-spouse held me in utter contempt because I was struggling emotionally. A lot of people I had known for a decade or more ghosted me when my ex-spouse and I were getting divorced; in fact, I only got to keep one friend in that divorce.
I suspect that this is part of the experience of being on the autism spectrum.
Yeah it depends on who you do it with. Part of emotional intelligence is knowing what the limits others have is, but if you’re unable to even state that you are going to be in a bad mood then that’s less than a friendship.
As for the suicide attempt, that’s something incredibly heavy for anyone. I don’t completely blame them, but at the same time, you’d expect something, not full on ghosting. It’s like they’re the ones who commited suicide, sheesh.
And lastly about the spectrum… It makes you think that people are rational, logical, that they will keep in mind the trades you’ve done and will pay you back eventually. The truth is: People are irrational shits.
As for the suicide attempt, that’s something incredibly heavy for anyone.
The irony is that some of the people I had mistakenly believed were friends were (are, I believe) in an anti-suicide advocacy group. I guess it was easier for them to say the right things than to do the right things. 🤷 Lessons learned, etc.
Mate, come join us at the @actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe group on Mastodon. There are a lot of fellow autists who will be there to lend an ear if you need to vent or need some practical advice. I recommend the autistics.life instance. I have the same issue irl, people will expect me to be there when they need me, but now that I need someone on my side, they’ll happily throw me under the bus. You’re not alone, even if it’s just a few randos online.
If you’re THAT emotional over a pet dying you need professional help man.
Im not trying to diminish your feelings, I’m sorry my dude, I feel for you I really do, but you shouldn’t really spiral into a deep depression over a pet.
You obviously have some other shit going on that would make you react that way and therapy will really help, not just with the grieving but understanding yourself.
Edit: just read your other comment. Yeah dude I really hope you are getting the help you need, and I can see how this would make you spiral. Im going through a break up myself rn, so I empathize the pain you felt before. I’m taking meds myself and trying to get through it as I had those same ideations.
My divorce was nine years ago. I got remarried a whopping five days after my divorce (…because that was the statutory minimum time; my ex-spouse had dragged their feet so long with a divorce they initiated that I’d had three serious relationships, met someone, gotten proposed to, and was ready to get married before the divorce was complete). I can say without reservation that my current partner is leaps and bounds better than my ex-partner. I’ve long ago accepted that many people that said they were friends were not friends, even if it still sticks in my throat. In the time since my divorce, I’ve lost an average of 1.1 cats per year, and it never gets easy to hold someone that’s been a friend and companion for over a decade as they take their last breath.
Am I okay? I’m as okay as I ever get. I’ve been through therapy multiple times, and I’d probably still go to therapy if insurance was affordable.
Do I have friends? Not really. If I make plans with people too far in advance, they forget and make other commitments. If I try to make plans too late, they’re already booked. It’s possible that I’m simply unlikeable; I tend to lean that way.
My only point was that, anecdotally, this is the experience that a lot of men have when they try to be emotionally vulnerable and honest with their male friends. Perhaps Gen Z isn’t getting this kind of shit; maybe they’re able to be more emotional. I kind of doubt it though, because young Gen Z men are trending far more conservative than Millennials, and conservatism isn’t friendly towards emotional intimacy among men. I hope that they do better than my generation did.
What am I supposed to do? “Oh, hey, yeah, so, I just held my cat in my arms as he died. I had to euthanize him because he was had congestive heart failure, and was slowly drowning from pulmonary edema. I miss him so much, and I want to believe that he’s in a better place, but he’s just dead and gone, and I’m never gonna see him again. All I’ve got are memories, and they’re going to fade with time until one day I realize that I haven’t thought about him in years. But yo, how are you doin’? Any big plans for the weekend?”
You get up, and keep doing the shit you have to do, because it needs to get done. Telling people you’re really depressed tends to make them feel really awkward, they don’t know what to say, and then they gradually start ghosting you. Shit sucks, but you put a happy face on because no one wants to know that you aren’t happy.
You can simply say “yo I’m sad about my cat’s death”. Accept your feelings and dont be shy to share them, just dont impose them. It also opens buds to help you if they’re up for it.
Shutting them up only reinforces this idea that men dont cry and arent allowed to feel things, and the day you need actual help people will mock and leave you for being a downer and a weakling.
Friendships are built on the ups and the downs.
Also in this case, you need to let yourself grieve, or itll pop up in the future when you dont expect it to.
My experience has been that being emotionally open tends to make people withdraw. Should it be that way? Of course not. Should I get better friends? Yeah, that would be cool, and I wish that was as easy to do as it is to say. I’ve found that many relationships and friendships end up being somewhat transactional; people are there for the good times, but aren’t interested in the emotional labor when shit gets real. I try to be there for people when they’re going through shit, but that doesn’t seem to be reciprocated.
If I sound bitter, well, I am. And cynical.
A lot of people I had thought were friends ghosted me when I failed to complete suicide and had a 72 hour hold. My ex-spouse held me in utter contempt because I was struggling emotionally. A lot of people I had known for a decade or more ghosted me when my ex-spouse and I were getting divorced; in fact, I only got to keep one friend in that divorce.
I suspect that this is part of the experience of being on the autism spectrum.
Yeah it depends on who you do it with. Part of emotional intelligence is knowing what the limits others have is, but if you’re unable to even state that you are going to be in a bad mood then that’s less than a friendship.
As for the suicide attempt, that’s something incredibly heavy for anyone. I don’t completely blame them, but at the same time, you’d expect something, not full on ghosting. It’s like they’re the ones who commited suicide, sheesh.
And lastly about the spectrum… It makes you think that people are rational, logical, that they will keep in mind the trades you’ve done and will pay you back eventually. The truth is: People are irrational shits.
All we can do is guess and hope for the best.
The irony is that some of the people I had mistakenly believed were friends were (are, I believe) in an anti-suicide advocacy group. I guess it was easier for them to say the right things than to do the right things. 🤷 Lessons learned, etc.
Mate, come join us at the @actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe group on Mastodon. There are a lot of fellow autists who will be there to lend an ear if you need to vent or need some practical advice. I recommend the autistics.life instance. I have the same issue irl, people will expect me to be there when they need me, but now that I need someone on my side, they’ll happily throw me under the bus. You’re not alone, even if it’s just a few randos online.
If you’re THAT emotional over a pet dying you need professional help man.
Im not trying to diminish your feelings, I’m sorry my dude, I feel for you I really do, but you shouldn’t really spiral into a deep depression over a pet.
You obviously have some other shit going on that would make you react that way and therapy will really help, not just with the grieving but understanding yourself.
Edit: just read your other comment. Yeah dude I really hope you are getting the help you need, and I can see how this would make you spiral. Im going through a break up myself rn, so I empathize the pain you felt before. I’m taking meds myself and trying to get through it as I had those same ideations.
You ever need to vent my dude DM me.
My divorce was nine years ago. I got remarried a whopping five days after my divorce (…because that was the statutory minimum time; my ex-spouse had dragged their feet so long with a divorce they initiated that I’d had three serious relationships, met someone, gotten proposed to, and was ready to get married before the divorce was complete). I can say without reservation that my current partner is leaps and bounds better than my ex-partner. I’ve long ago accepted that many people that said they were friends were not friends, even if it still sticks in my throat. In the time since my divorce, I’ve lost an average of 1.1 cats per year, and it never gets easy to hold someone that’s been a friend and companion for over a decade as they take their last breath.
Am I okay? I’m as okay as I ever get. I’ve been through therapy multiple times, and I’d probably still go to therapy if insurance was affordable.
Do I have friends? Not really. If I make plans with people too far in advance, they forget and make other commitments. If I try to make plans too late, they’re already booked. It’s possible that I’m simply unlikeable; I tend to lean that way.
My only point was that, anecdotally, this is the experience that a lot of men have when they try to be emotionally vulnerable and honest with their male friends. Perhaps Gen Z isn’t getting this kind of shit; maybe they’re able to be more emotional. I kind of doubt it though, because young Gen Z men are trending far more conservative than Millennials, and conservatism isn’t friendly towards emotional intimacy among men. I hope that they do better than my generation did.
This lacks insight and empathy. It reeks of sympathy.
You’re right, I’m being very disingenuous