If I have to, over the course of three to five minutes, origami together an elaborate construct of translucent bullshit in order to get a single wipes worth of toilet paper it will ruin my fucking week. If it still fails, which it has before, I will keep the trauma in my mind for a month before I can bury it under something worse. I would wipe my ass with a shower towel if they were dispensed in appropriately sized strips.

I will die on an adjacent hill.