He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Locking this post because you’ve got a ton of advice and some people are dangerously close to excusing pedophillia.
It is absolutely weird for someone in their 40s to date someone who is not even 18 yet, but he’s a grown man and you don’t control his choices. If I were you I would get out of there as soon as possible and go low contact but that’s just my opinion.
The only way to solve this is by dating someone two years older than him. Bonus points if you get their parents to come over for dinner
They could even just lie about it. Pretend for a week or two and watch the dads skin crawl and they can wallow in their own hypocrisy
Go fuck someone older than your dad and make it even
Regardless of what many comments say, your feelings are completely valid. I’d be upset too. It’s not like your dad is doing anything monstrous, but it’s plain stupid (to say the least). Sometimes, love is that way. It lasts whatever is needed for the people involved to learn some stuff.
Be patient. Your support will be needed, sooner or later. Even if the relationship doesn’t end at all. There will be drawbacks. If you don’t feel up to the ‘task’, cool. It’s not an obligation. Just keep your distance from it.
Btw, 19 is a good age to start living with some frens. Perhaps a talk with your Dad is due… do not make it about this situation (or not exclusively). You deserve your own space. I believe the need for it can be something that was already in the works, and now you are getting ‘hit’ by everything altogether and all at once with this situation.
Good luck!
Agreed, everyone had their own morals on this and that is perfectly fine. It’s up to them to decide if that relationship is going to hold.
And of course there might be downsides just like there are going to be perceived upsides - it really depends on their interaction, as even same age groups can have major downsides.
You’ve talked to your dad about it, there’s nothing you can do. You can express your concern, displeasure, disgust, or whatever about the situation but it’s between them. It’s disgraceful and I’m sorry this is happening.
You’re right to be concerned. Something similar happened in my family, and it did not end well at all.
The ages were more like 16 and 36, which is legal here, and her family supported it, but that didn’t stop the grooming accusations. When the relationship failed (which is very likely when one partner has very little life experience), his reputation was ruined. He was severely beaten by other men who thought they were protecting her, and he was effectively run out of town.
However they might feel now, not everyone will see it the same way. This has consequences.
Yes there are always consequences. However, this is the case where personal ethics are routinely projected into others, age gaps are demonised by default the same way how sexual preferences where before the 21st century. But either way, time should show what the result will be.
Totally okay to feel this way OP!!!
Best thing I read from all the comments so far was getting to know the woman more. There might be some small chance she happens be super mature? I don’t know, there are people who have spent multiple decades on this planet and we’re left with a few positive things to say about them and their maturity. Then you had the Greta Thunbergs & Malala Yousafzais whose brains likely developed far faster than almost any of their peers…
48 & 28, or any age and like 30, would certainly be a much better age gap. Not because I’m ageist but owing to statistics, probabilities, all that… it just helps when someone reaches a certain age where you become fairly confident they must’ve become an adult at some point and figured some stuff out. Then you are able to relax a bit with the otherwise inherent suspicions.
There are 8 billion of us. Presumably more than zero 18-year-olds will be happier, more fulfilled, even better off should they join an older partner. They will be exceptions to the rule. (Rule… like half your age +7 maybe? Would = 31 for your paps.) I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (though keep in mind “more than zero“ is saying very little).
It is a BADDDDD look. It is unlikely it’s all gravy. Non-zero chance, though—non-zero chance it’s not the worst thing ever. Since it’s not illegal, you’ve time to sleep on it all some more and keep thinking where to go. Can make a new post here next week with more thoughts and questions. We’ll be here for ya buddy. (Can DM me if we miss it)
Final thought, I remember something (maybe “best of Reddit“) where someone eloquently ELI5’d to a young woman why although it felt so awesome to be with an older guy there were risks and why it wasn’t a good look for the guy essentially I think. Maybe someone remembers the post and can find it. Then if you get to know the young woman more, and you realize she…
is delusional(sry sounds offensive, just mean she’s actually mentally 17 like her birthday would predict), you would have this great way of explaining to her why the whole older guy thing isn’t isn’t Bee’s Knees.I am 50 and I can tell you with absolute certainty, 17 year olds are like children. I work next to a collage campus and even 21 year olds are like children. My niece just turned 27 and she is just in the last couple years actually acting like an adult. I hope your dad has a great time but I doubt it will last unless she really is just a gold digger, looking for a sugar daddy.
more power to them both if that is the case, but your feelings are totally relatable.
What to do?
You already did it. I suggest it is time for you to grow up some. People are messy. Even the people you revere are messy.
Your father is putting a roof over your head and providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same. I think it is crazy, but by your own words in your country his relationships are more acceptable than yours.
It sounds to me like both your dad and her are happy. She loves being pampered and he is loving being with a 17 year old. Your extended family is some what correct by labeling her a gold digger, but they are totally full of shit saying the young women is in the wrong. Theirs is a transactional relationship and it sounds to me like they are very honest with each other about it.
Do I think that is a wonky relationship? Sure, but I am not Romanian and truth be told if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
You have no other options.
- It is legal inn your country
- She is happy
- He is happy
- Those that matter to her are happy
- You still have a roof over your head
- You still have a safe place
- You still have your dad
I agree with some of this but not so much with these parts:
I suggest it is time for you to grow up some.
No reason to treat OP like a child. This post is more of an “off my chest” than anything else. It sounds to me like that already accept most of what you said, but just need to process it.
if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
Would it? I’m not American. Would it be socially and ethically acceptable for a 40-something man to date an 18 years old girl? I’m skeptical of that. OP started their post pointing out it’s not about legality.
Your father is […] providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same.
That’s not fair, for many reasons. First, I didn’t get the impression that OP actively tried to sabotage the relationship, just probed at how it happened and maybe expressed that it makes them feel uncomfortable, though we don’t even know that for sure. That’s not the same as “not providing a safe space”. For all we know, OP’s dad might also be uncomfortable with a queer relationship but swallows it up - same as OP is doing.
Where I do agree with you is that OP’s only remaining option is to accept that this relationship is happening. And I think OP already knew that before posting this.
I’m calling it, If anyone tries to break them up he will marry her.
Really there’s not much you can/should do. You can try to get along with her or distance yourself for now. There’s a good chance the problem will solve itself in time. Personally I think it’s a pretty huge age gap but if they really just met randomly and hit it off without pressure then honestly whatever. There are worse things going on in the world than two people under the warm covers of a bed. People are very sensitive about age gaps in modern western society (don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a good thing) but other concepts do exist and reality isn’t always as black and white as we would like it to be.
I’ll come right out and say the West isn’t necessarily ahead on what a good relationship is. Outside of maybe traditional rural areas our extended families are fucked. Some of the people we idolise are openly toxic. The few ideas there are about what makes a good partner are far too abstract, and emphasise short-term attributes over lasting compatibility despite that being a stated goal.
Lasting compatibility is the main problem I see here, too, although I’m hardly old enough to confidently comment. A 17 year old’s life and worldview are going to change in a million ways over the next decade. Even relationships with other 17 year olds tend not to last, but then there’s a mutuality to the growing up and going separate ways.
Like others have suggested, if they’re legally adults age gap should not be an issue. They’re adults, they’re consenting and, not knowing them it’s hard to say, they seem to be happy together. What’s wrong with that?
I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this…
Your intimate life is yours and you are who you are, right? And you’re happy your dad understands that and stands with you? Shouldn’t your dad’s (and his girlfriend’s) intimate life be their own too?
I mean, don’t you think a lot of the homophobic crowd out there would somehow comment in a similar fashion as this, persuaded it’s any of their business:
Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay.
Insisting on making it not ok to be queer albeit it’s ok, essentially because they’re unable to question their own certainties and habits, or their ‘morals’?
It is ok to be queer. Never let anyone force you to think it’s not… but then, don’t you wish to be as supportive, and to not be pushing a similar kind of moralistic ‘ideology’ onto people whose preferences and/or partners you may not yourself understand, even when it’s your dad?
That being said, you should feel ok to talk about it, like you seemingly did. But don’t make an issue of what should not be one: it’s their story, not yours.
You’re perfectly fine to not feel happy about it (like, I imagine, a dad may not be happy to realize his son may never have children, just an hypothesis: my spouse and I are more than old enough to be grandparents already, and never had children so ‘perpetuating our name’ was never an obsession with us) but it’s still up to you to make it so your personal feelings don’t become a burden for them.
Either be spending less time with them, or by learning to understand them better. Maybe, beside being younger than you are, the girl has a lot of qualities you don’t know about?
Edit: doesn’t matter how long/sad the story ends, or if it lasts forever. What matters is who you will show yourself to be when your dad needs you. Well, imho.
the general acceptable rule is half your age +7 years.
so 24+7 = 31
no I didn’t make this “rule”, but it is generally accepted in society. but of course every place is different and has different norms.
It would depend somehow on the cultural backgrounds. I don’t know their cultural backgrounds, but if in their cultures such age gaps are frowned upon is more than likely that she end up growing out of it. If it’s something normal for their cultures they are more likely to last.
If you have that information you could decide if you want to just wait it out, or not. Wait it out would be easy, just live your life until it ends.
If they are likely to last, then you have to ask yourself if you can accept it or not, or of you can pretend you accept it for the love you have for your dad. If the answer is no, then remove yourself from the situation and live your own life.
That’s…gross…
The age difference is pretty much the difference between me (49) and my S.O’s daughter (18); a girl who I very much think of as a step-daughter.
Being legal means you can’t really do anything. But morally it absolutely should change the way people see your father, and rightly so. He’s a pedo, plain and simple. When the age difference is so large (31 years), the 365 days difference between 16 and 17 doesn’t make any difference from a moral perspective.
You should probably talk to him about your mom’s death to make sure this isn’t a rebound, because otherwise there’s a good chance you might have a sibling before any trauma of his gets worked out.
