I cook at home because of restaurant prices and tip culture. Driving everywhere sucks. Everything feels miles away so good luck walking.
Always gonna plug disc sports when threads like this pop up. Ultimate Frisbee is fun and if you live in even a minor city there’s usually a rec league to join. Has the best culture of any sport IMO, full of the chilliest most accepting people who are always looking for more people to join and with rec leagues people will sometimes go out to the bar after to hang out.
Disc golf is also great for meeting people if you’re not as into cardio. Can join tournaments and they’ll usually pair you up with people. Or just go solo to the course and occasionally someone else will offer to let you join their round or if you’re waiting with another solo at a hole you can offer to let them join you.
Both are also very cheap activities, Frisbee you just need cleats and to pay ~$50 for a rec league season. Disc golf is basically free once you get discs.
Best answer I’ve ever had for this was ‘find something to support.’ It can be anything. Just find a space where you have people trying to do something for the benefit of others with some bare minimum cost of entry. The group coming from people trying to help others will bias it toward nicer people. The cost of entry, even something small like $5/mo or physically present volunteering, deters anonymous trolling.
The other good option is classes. Doing things to improve your skills in something is generally worthwhile anyway, but it also puts you in contact with other people who share an interest.
Church
Volunteer. Audition for community theater. Get a job. Join a hiking group. Take an adult learning class. Download a dating app. Get yourself out there.
it’s a good way to meet new people. i do many of those things. none of them are good for meeting young single women.
where i live young single women are entirely focused on hanging out in bars, restaurants, and traveling. They don’t do hobbies or volunteering. the women who do that stuff are usually older or married or lesbian.
I was responding to OP asking about friends and relationships, so not just “young single women.” But I did also say try a dating app. Singles is pretty much all those are for.
Obviously no one can give you town-specific suggestions but are bars and restaurants the only things women do you where you live? I’d be very surprised if that’s true.
Traveling - notoriously not a hobby.
meetups, conventions, conferences, concerts, bars, hobbies, etc. It might be easier for me because I live in a very populous region, but I’ve found it pretty easy to meet people. 90%+ of those people don’t end up becoming long term friends, but that’s just how it is.
Also, the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask a question. “Hey what’s that?” “What are you doing?” It takes time to get a good feel for whether or not someone is actually looking for a conversation based on their response, but it is a skill anyone can learn and there’s generally no harm in short chats with strangers in public spaces.
Coed recreational sports team. Lots of them are mostly social with a little bit of sports tossed in. And almost all of them are looking for more players.
Bouldering is the goat sport for this. Lots of little downtime in between routes which leaves room for talking. But you also always have something to talk about and compliment etc.
Work and shared hobbies. I recently went to buy some hardwood from a work colleague. We don’t even work the same shift but they’re fond of asking what I’m building or showing me what they’re building because who else are they going to talk to about their hobby (I imagine).
We’re not friends, but there’s this hobby. I get there and it’s not a mere business transaction nor do we talk work. It almost had a kid feel to it. Like when you crossed the hedge to the yard of the kid next door and he welcomes you because it’s more fun if you can show off and share your toys. Only as adults. Kudos on reclaiming a small piece of that.
Adulthood is such a roadblock sometimes.
Being an adult is hard, in so many different ways.
I miss kindergarten.
Naps, cookies, juice boxes, why did we ever stop that?
I just woke up from a nap, and now I’m eating cookies. Don’t have any juice boxes on hand tho; a can of cola will have to do.
I love being an adult. It’s amazing.
I absolutely hated Kindergarten. Being subjected to the whims of clueless adults is miserable.
yeah but cookies and juicy boxes.
who is stopping you from going to the store and buying cookies and juice boxes?
What do you enjoy doing that’s not work and not “adulting”?
Find a hobby. Then find a group that shares that hobby. Clean up a park day, maybe.
Or find a charity or nonprofit that needs volunteers.
The local library probably has things going on, too.
Find a third space whether it’s the magic the gsthering shop and shop tournies or church or a knitting circle ran by the local yarn shop.
Museums too. There are a decent number that have “adults night” now.
I met my eventual spouse an art gallery opening. Amazing how certain settings filter out the detritus of society.
every art person i ever dated was a rich douchebag that hated people for not being rich and spent most of our dates whining about how they weren’t rich enough.
Public art museum, not a private gallery that sells shitty art.
Yeah, that’s exactly where I met them. They go to both.
Get a hobby, go to events, find social circles, and drink at the sort of bars you can chat with strangers at.
I met my wife at a dungeon, but I know that’s not to most people’s tastes.
The house next door is empty and up for sale. I happened to see a real estate agent and a couple in the driveway, and she waved to me, in a sort of inviting way, so I went over and helped her pitch the house a little, telling them that the previous people were really great, kept up the house nice, did lots of upgrades, the street is really friendly and meets at the neighborhood pool every morning, etc.
The wife asked if there were any musicians, and I raised my hand. She asked what instrument, I said guitar, and she pointed to her husband, and said “So does he.” I said " Please buy this house!"
Yesterday, I heard the house is in escrow, and we’ll have new neighbors soon. I hope it’s the guitarist, I would love a guitar buddy, I literally have NOBODY to play with.
This. I miss being in a band. Did this in high school and college. We played local clubs and bars. It was fun.
But as an adult, who can find 3other people willing to play at all, or even commit to a 1 hour get together to practice… Performing is probably never going to happen again.
Hobbies. I got into ham radio for this very reason. It’s also adjacent to my job (IT), and it’s one of the quintessential “hobby hobbies” like stamp collecting and model trains.
But doesn’t ham radio introduce you to people halfway across the planet?
And locally if you join a club. If there aren’t enough hams for a club there may be at least one you could seek out as an Elmer.
It mostly introduces you to old men with a wide array of beliefs in conspiracies
That’s not Lemmy?
The government is coming for our BEANS
For me, it was always through work. Meeting co-workers after work, and meeting other people that way.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
This really needs to be said more often, I don’t know what’s going on out there but I see this “I can’t make friends” sentiment all over the internet, but out in physical space people aren’t just going to “click” with you, you have to put in effort, use judgement if you’re putting in the right effort for the right company, and you have to decide what you’re setting aside to invest in this goal.
“I don’t have time to do ____” surely applies to a lot of people and situations, but in my time coaching I always had to tell people that you don’t get good at something without making the time to actually work towards it, and making that time is always going to be a you problem. You have to decide if that 2 hours you spend “unwinding” after work is really doing you more good than hanging out somewhere and socializing or even just trying new things. You have to look at your situation critically; how much time are you spending on things you’re just addicted to in some way, but aren’t really helping your life?
I get being tired, we’re all fucking tired. But it doesn’t fix itself, all you can really do is force your body and brain to adapt to new kinds of stimulus and activity, which it will readily, you just can’t have both… you can’t spend all your spare time gaming or scrolling and expect you’re going to also be able to instantly shift gears if someone calls you up to go have dinner or play airsoft or go hiking or something. Not that they will if you spend all your time gaming and waiting.
Yep. I’m exhausted after work, but when I spend some time after work biking I find I’m less exhausted after work once I’ve gotten used to it. Then add social events and yeah, I might need a day of rest regularly, but I also need to get out and do stuff regularly.
Also, learning to flirt is hard and vital. You will make an ass of yourself. Eventually though you get good at it. I’m an awkward dweeb with crap social skills, and yet after learning to flirt and years practicing I’ve managed to find myself making out with strangers on nights out every once in a while. The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
The best advice I’ve gotten and given about flirting, is to not think about flirting, don’t think about the relationship game, don’t think about outcomes or consequences, instead focus on being just a little more bold than you’re normally comfortable with.
Don’t even try it if you’re not already getting more comfortable chatting and hanging out with people. Flirting is just friendliness with confidence. You have to walk before you can run. It also helps to have at least one person you trust enough to tell you where you’re being weird or how you’re coming off to new people.
I think starting flirting not expecting anything but practice is also valuable. I mostly flirt catch and release these days, and I think it’s best to understand that the goal is to learn to have fun with it. Even when married you should be flirtatious with your spouse, so learn to love it.
100% this, you shouldn’t even have expectations, the term “flirting” shouldn’t be in your mental language, you should approach socializing in a different way instead of labeling interactions.
“That person is nice, fun and attractive, I want to say something that will make them feel good, because they deserve it” is a far better approach than “What magic flirt-words can I say that will make them horny for me.”
(People can tell the difference too.)
Idk I find intentionality valuable in flirting, it’s just that my intent is to flirt and if it goes from there well then that’s fun. A sly smile with the compliment, then paying attention to see the tone of her response… it’s a game and it’s in some ways unique compared to telling a stranger I like their outfit (which I also do non flirtatiously).
“What can I say to make them like me” is the far more juvenile framing. It’s one I’ve seen especially beginners fall into. Instead framing flirtation as a (metaphorical) playful whisper of interest. It should be like a scent you wear: light, discretionarily used, inviting, and yourself. You’re not casting a spell to make them like you, you’re simply inviting them to come and see what could happen if they’re interested.
But all that is more the intermediate level. The only real secret is that people like spending time with people with whom they enjoy the time they spend with.
Instead framing flirtation as a (metaphorical) playful whisper of interest. It should be like a scent you wear: light, discretionarily used, inviting, and yourself.
This is so true, and exactly like cologne or perfumes, a lot of people, guys especially, do NOT get it and really overdo it and then wonder why it’s so hard to meet people and date.
What you’re describing is a kind of subtle and nuanced interplay that people explore with each other when they feel good and have minds that are somewhat on the same wavelength.
I think we have a huge problem in the modern world with a lot of guys, particularly neurodivergent, who have a much harder time not approaching social lives and relationships from a mechanistic, procedural perspective and speaking as someone neurodivergent myself, I totally get it, but it takes work to overcome this kind of thinking and “let go” enough to enjoy the process and treat it more like a lazy, flowing river, than a switchboard with dials and levers to pull.
This is why the Andrew Tates and Redpillers and so, so many of their adjacent “movements” caught on like wildfire in a growing population of guys with less social interaction as they spent more time online instead of learning outside with trial and error. The promise of a manual, an instruction book that lays out steps.
And it’s been devastating to our communities, our cultures and our social bonds as a species.
The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
This is really key. It’s fun to spend an evening getting to know someone! And if that’s your only goal for a date - you’re probably going to have more of a good time than not.
the problem is people watch social media all day and expect everything to be easy and instant like it is on there.
As much as everyone hates dating apps, it’s dating apps. Keep an open mind and go on dates looking to just get to know another person. Apps put a large swath of people in your view that otherwise you may not have crossed paths with.
Otherwise, church, bars, hobby meet ups.
you don’t make friends on dating apps. you find dates.
OP did say “get into relationships.”
the commenter is saying to get on dating apps to make friends.
I think you’re confused. Neither OP nor the commenter immediately above are limiting their remarks to friends only.
“How do you meet new people or get into relationships after college?”
I met my current friend group through dating apps. You gotta keep an open mind when meeting people - you’re there to get to know them as a person. Sometimes that leads to dating, sometimes it’s friendship.
Women tell men they want to be friends as a way to reject them softly. They don’t mean it.
I’ve got plenty of friends who are men. You’re only shooting yourself in the foot to believe these gendered things about women and men.
No, that’s my life experience. No woman from a dating app has ever wanted to be my friend unless she was trying to get in my pants and I wasn’t into her.
You are a woman clearly, you have a lot more social luxury and I bet you 100% all the ‘male friends’ you met on dating apps are secretly hoping one day you will ‘wake up’ and date them.
Men and women can be friends, but not from a dating app where the intention is attraction and sex. I have lots of female friends but I am not attracted to them.
The people you meet on dating apps tend to know other people and you can build a friend group. You know, if you’re likeable and friendly.
I think it’s more telling that no one wants to be friends with you. That shouldn’t be extrapolated to all women don’t want to be friends with men.
You don’t know me and to make such assumptions is only good to further isolate yourself from society.
So manipulate people I meet on dating apps to date their hotter friends?
Now you’re just arguing for dishonestly and manipulation. Nice. So upstanding.
I’m not isolated from society. I just don’t use people on dating apps or treat them like social commodities. The fact you think in such dicthomies is alarming. You’re either socially isolated, or you need to use people.
Where I stand I have honest and healthy relationships. I don’t go around trying to acquire people like Pokemon and I certainly don’t use dating apps for a social life.
