Not going to offer many details on the where or how, as I don’t intend to dox myself, but suffice it to say that I will continue touching butts for an extended period. I don’t like feeling aroused by the act. These people placed trust in me. Trust that I mean them no harm and that I am safe to be around. I can certainly be both while aroused, but I’d rather not have to deal with this.
I’d prefer not to dissociate through work, but I can’t find another way to contextualize my experiences in a way that doesn’t leave me frustrated until I get home.
What matters to your patients isn’t your thoughts but your deeds. If you are acting professionally it doesn’t matter if you are having inappropriate (sexual) thoughts. You might have to channel this energy elsewhere and eventually it will be less stimulating as you get used to it.
That is my hope. It’s certainly been helpful to hear so many people saying variations of this. It feels immensely frustrating to deal with this alone, but recognizing this as a slow issue to grind through is helpful
Remember it’s our actions not our thoughts. There’s nothing even wrong about secret perving which are you not even doing