I have a girlfriend. She’s sweet, but she ALWAYS talks over me when i’m upset to change the subject or to tell me to look at a cat video or Bluey or Hazbin Hotel funny clips.

i feel so bad for saying this, but when i tried to tell her i was struggling with depression, it took like 3 tries to get her to listen, and all she said was to just be happy and smile.

today, i tried to tell her one of my grandpas died recently and she just talked over me about funny videos and tiktok. even if i tell her to listen, she does‘t or starts getting sad, so even when she says i can tell her anything, i don’t often. Am i in the wrong for that?

Also, she sends laughing emojis when I tell her something like “I have a PTSD diagnosis” on the topic of mental health, and she constantly puts herself down and asks me to give her reasons why she’s a good girlfriend and not “stupid and ugly”.

  • neatchee@piefed.socialEnglish
    16·
    2 days ago

    There could be a variety of reasons for this behavior…

    • She is uncomfortable because she doesn’t know how to comfort you
    • She is avoiding her own trauma triggers
    • She is ADHD or Autistic and doesn’t understand what’s expected of her in those moments
    • She is not looking for a partner and only wants a relationship that’s “fun”
    • She is callous and doesn’t care to put in the effort to support a partner

    But here’s the thing… the root cause is not important (yet)

    If your partner is unwilling or unable to support you, that’s not a good partner for you. That doesn’t make her a bad person necessarily…she may not be capable of dealing with everything you’re going through. But even if that’s the case then she still might not be the right partner for you.

    I recommend trying to get her to focus on you before having your next conversation about this. Don’t start talking about the problem until her phone is away and she’s making eye contact. Don’t do it over text.

    If that goes okay, then tell her what you need. Don’t sugar coat it or be vague. Tell her directly “when I say this particular please it means I’m looking to you for support and I need you to lock in, listen to where I’m saying, and engage with me as a supportive partner.”

    If she can’t do that much, then it is probably time to move on. And if she listens and ignores you…it’s probably time to move one.

    Communication is hard. And it’s the most important thing in relationships.

    Good luck!

    EDIT TO ADD: As someone else said, she also can’t be your therapist. Especially not at your ages. That doesn’t mean she can’t listen and provide comfort though. It’s important to manage your expectations - she’s not going to be able to give you advice or help you solve these issues - but it is not unreasonable to expect that she gives you her undivided attention when you are vulnerable