I have a girlfriend. She’s sweet, but she ALWAYS talks over me when i’m upset to change the subject or to tell me to look at a cat video or Bluey or Hazbin Hotel funny clips.
i feel so bad for saying this, but when i tried to tell her i was struggling with depression, it took like 3 tries to get her to listen, and all she said was to just be happy and smile.
today, i tried to tell her one of my grandpas died recently and she just talked over me about funny videos and tiktok. even if i tell her to listen, she does‘t or starts getting sad, so even when she says i can tell her anything, i don’t often. Am i in the wrong for that?
Also, she sends laughing emojis when I tell her something like “I have a PTSD diagnosis” on the topic of mental health, and she constantly puts herself down and asks me to give her reasons why she’s a good girlfriend and not “stupid and ugly”.
I love all the comments that are just like, “Break up with her.” It’s just that easy.
I love comment sections that offer life-altering advice to anonymous strangers on the internet. Do you really think this person hasn’t considered breaking up with her? The reason he made the post in the first place is probably because he’s already thought about it. That’s not what this person is asking about.
How about offering some actual advice?
There are multiple things you can do here, but I think the one that’s going to be most effective is to enrage her. Yes, you want to make her angry and upset because those are the emotions she’s trying to avoid. She doesn’t want to feel angry or upset. She wants to be happy, and she doesn’t want to deal with your emotions.
So just do what I do with my wife: shut down. It absolutely infuriates her. Stay silent. Don’t engage. Remove yourself from the situation. Make yourself unseen. I promise you, that will force her to confront you, and then you can start discussing what you want in earnest.
Sometimes people are just like this. They need to be pushed in a negative direction to achieve a positive result. Don’t be afraid to do this. You don’t have to be nice. You’re not obligated to be nice.
And remember one very important thing: just because you or she have feelings, even strong ones, doesn’t automatically validate those feelings. Sometimes feelings are misplaced and produce negative emotions and situations. That’s just humanity. That’s just how things are.
Be strategic. Be manipulative. The straightforward approach apparently doesn’t work, so do whatever does.
Now, understand that I have just given you terrible advice. But it will be effective, so use this information and strategy however you see fit.
You started well and then, well, went a bit off the rails?
This sounds more like a good fit for a relationship counselor that can help OP communicate with his gf. That would be a whole lot better than becoming manipulative and shut down
I feel that you too may benefit from counseling, reading what you just wrote
Oh fuck yeah is it terrible advice. But it does work. Giving both of you the opportunity to lash out is rather relaxing when everything now adays is all pent up.
She sounds like someone who doesn’t know how to deal with negative emotions. My bf is like this. He wants to make me laugh to cheer me up when I’m sad or depressed. He’ll just change the subject or make jokes when I talk about serious thihgs.
Often when people ask for advice like you are doing it comes down to “tell them what you told me just now.”
In this case it seems like she doesn’t listen, and/or care enough.
If you are trying in earnest, and it is reciprocated then there is room for growth. If it isn’t then they are not supporting you, and you should seriously and decisively consider going separate ways.
You can like each other, you can enjoy each other’s company, you can be in love, yet still it be wrong for a relationship.
The girlfriend sounds really childish. To the point I’m wondering if these are very young people, like early teens. If so it isn’t that that don’t care, it’s that they’re very immature and don’t know how to deal with anything uncomfortable and just shove it out of the way and move on to what they can easily distract themselves with.
If this person is an adult, I’m very concerned about their maturity level, becuase it sounds really stunted.
15 and 16, high school
You’re doing well by being open enough to ask and learn.
You’re gonna make some mistakes, and you’re also gonna be right and prove the world wrong sometimes.
Break up, be nice about it and tell her why. You kids are in highschool, you’ll both learn, grow, and date other people. Might be uncomfortable for a while but that’s how it is.
Ultimately you need to do what’s best for you.
Thanks :)
Look man. I wish I knew you in real life. We could discuss this type of thing. Honestly even then its hard to give advice as all the consequences of such advice falls on you and your life but that is just even more the case when we are just randos on the internet to each other. Im sorry.
There’s a lot of negativity in this thread that I don’t think is entirely warrented. It sounds like you’re both still very young and you haven’t been dating for more than a few months. It’s alright to just have a fun, shallow relationship for a while and then move on, especially at your age. That doesn’t make you a terrible person.
If you want your relationship to last beyond the first few months, though, when you’re both still in love, you’ll have to develop some sort of emotional connection beyond just fancying eachother.
The way I see it you have two options. The first is you enjoy the relationship for as long as you do. You get your emotional support somewhere else. When the initial attraction wears of you break up.
But if you want a serious long-term relationship, you’ll have to address this issue. You could try telling her how you feel the next time she changes the subject. Tell her you need to work through these negative emotions, and it’d be nice if she tried to listen and/or comfort you.
Or perhaps next time she’s feeling insecure and needs to be told she’s not stupid and ugly, you change the subject and show her some funny videos. See how she likes it! This is arguably a bit passive aggressive and immature, but it does sound like empathy isn’t her strongest point. It might help her understand if she experiences things from your point of view. Depending on how she responds, you could then address the matter in a more direct fashion.
Thank you :)
I’m glad if any of that was helpful. Good luck, have fun, don’t die!
This person does not care about you. A lot of people in relationships don’t care about their partners. You will be a lot happier alone than with a person who is nothing but an emotional drain on your life.
There could be a variety of reasons for this behavior…
- She is uncomfortable because she doesn’t know how to comfort you
- She is avoiding her own trauma triggers
- She is ADHD or Autistic and doesn’t understand what’s expected of her in those moments
- She is not looking for a partner and only wants a relationship that’s “fun”
- She is callous and doesn’t care to put in the effort to support a partner
But here’s the thing… the root cause is not important (yet)
If your partner is unwilling or unable to support you, that’s not a good partner for you. That doesn’t make her a bad person necessarily…she may not be capable of dealing with everything you’re going through. But even if that’s the case then she still might not be the right partner for you.
I recommend trying to get her to focus on you before having your next conversation about this. Don’t start talking about the problem until her phone is away and she’s making eye contact. Don’t do it over text.
If that goes okay, then tell her what you need. Don’t sugar coat it or be vague. Tell her directly “when I say this particular please it means I’m looking to you for support and I need you to lock in, listen to where I’m saying, and engage with me as a supportive partner.”
If she can’t do that much, then it is probably time to move on. And if she listens and ignores you…it’s probably time to move one.
Communication is hard. And it’s the most important thing in relationships.
Good luck!
EDIT TO ADD: As someone else said, she also can’t be your therapist. Especially not at your ages. That doesn’t mean she can’t listen and provide comfort though. It’s important to manage your expectations - she’s not going to be able to give you advice or help you solve these issues - but it is not unreasonable to expect that she gives you her undivided attention when you are vulnerable
I completely agree with that. I don’t want her to give me advice, I just want her to listen, I should add.
You’re 16…a 14 year old is not going to be able to provide mental health support for you. You need actual help. You’re expecting something from someone still developing mentally. You as well. Go get the help you need and try not lay your mental health on others. There is being supportive and then there is expecting others to be your therapist…guess which one people don’t really want to do.
She’s 15 but I only brought up casual things like being sad, I didn’t tell my whole life’s story and I should add that she always talks about her depression and how sad she is and how she’s a terrible person so I guess neither pf us can deal with it
Is this your ex from two months ago https://lemmy.world/post/51270212 and are you still questioning your sightness?
I see you struggling a lot from your posts but I’m not sure anyone here can give you the indepth professional help you might need. We’re just strangers on the internet. It’s easier to ask than a bunch of strangers at the shop, but not much better the offering advice.
Also given asking about if your 14yr old sisters friend is the arsehole puts you around tha age, for multiple reasons. Things will get better as you become an adult, but you do need to seek better trained support.
Thanks. Different partner, my current gf is recent, and I’m 16 but yeah.
Sounds like that’s one hell of a one-way street, paved with nothing but red flags at every intersection.
She laughed at your PTSD diagnosis? That’s unhinged.
That’s a teenager who doesn’t know how to deal.
It sounds like she’s only in it for the good times and doesn’t want to face reality. With that in mind, you need to consider how compatible that makes you too overall.
It sounds like the two of you have different coping strategies for trauma and that those two coping strategies are incompatible. You can’t make her do anything. Either she can be there for you the way you need her to, or she can’t.
I agree, TYSM
Yikes, is she 14 or something? The brainrot is horrible out there. I cannot Imagine how much it sucks being young now.
Could also be she has no idea how to actually deal with trauma so just sends laugh emojis to avoid awkwardness. Have you ever had a date or hangout without phones / screens ? Would they even be able to survive that ?
We are in high school, but yeah understandable
Next!
People are like busses - there’ll be another one in a few minutes. And maybe that one will be going the same direction
(Paraphrased what a grandparent told me as a teen).
