I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.
Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.
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There’s no meetup group for smoking weed and going back to sleep unfortunately. I already checked.
There definitely is.
Well then how the hell did they get in my room?
My dude, you can always start. I guarantee there’s a group out there for you.
I just had a conversation about this, among other things. The thing is: we have no idea. Also I don’t think Reddit-for-nerds (Lemmy) is that great of a place to ask this.
If you do get an answer, act upon it, and it works, please remember me and tell me.
Some years ago reddit was the reddit for nerds. The demographic probably has shifted more towards normies by now.
and bots
my mom uses it all the time now so yeaaah
👋 second, please let me know. I’ve never been great with this.
I have found great friends at school because I hang out with them all the time. Programs at school where I do studying and meeting new people.
After graduating, I guess I might try meetup groups and such.
Basically you have to bond over a game, be it physical, like sports or board like regular board games or as many people mentioned here D&D. For sports, regardless of your skill level, there’s a group. Beer leagues and such. Solo sports like mountain biking can work too but you have to be super consistent and really get into the sport where you have common ground.
If physical stuff is out of the question, then you have your board games. Even small towns have meetups.
The important thing is actually doing these. Friends don’t just come to you and you have to be consistent. Most people don’t just become friends in one or two sessions, it takes time and rapport building. And you can’t always wait for others to initiate the friends part. You might have to be the one that goes “hey wanna grab some wings after this.”
I’ve learned about myself that I cannot engage with people personally. It’s never me and them. It’s gotta be us and the things we’re doing. Usually a game.
Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.
That’s it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is “Oh, hey! I like your jacket!” Or “Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!” (as said as I’m carrying a 24 pack).
Or “Whats goin’ on my brotha from anotha motha???”
I’m not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it’s my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.
Except I don’t really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I’m sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.
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Currently 72F. Scattered clouds, but it’s not going to rain today.
Community college. Took a few classes I never would have normally chosen like art or acting. I was a stay at home introvert who was way past college days, so I couldn’t figure out how to put myself into social situations. But I do like to learn, so signed myself up for some night classes. Ended up dating a few people, made new friends, and married one of them. Night classes bring in the adults who have to work during the day, a few kids too, but I met just about every age group from young to very old. Study groups, group projects, anything that will involve working with or helping classmates, or anything that you think is interesting really. Have life long friends now because of that decision.
Go back to where you first learned how to make friends, go back to school.
Fuck Community College. Let’s get drunk and eat chicken fingers.
Starburns already has a monopoly on the chicken.
Pop-pop!
Pick any hobby that have group classes and show up consistently. Can be exercise, pottery or whatever. Regulars notice each other and you’ll be in the “regular” category very fast.
Then go for a beer on Fridays or after practice or whatever and then take it from there.
This sounds horrible to me, getting out there, interacting with strangers, but it is the truth. You can’t just “make friends”, or rather you can, but to “make” anything, a cake, a house, a friend, it takes time and effort.
That’s the beauty of it, you don’t have to interact with anyone and if you want to become anonymous again just pick another hobby. However, if you get interested and don’t want to quit the hobby you already have stuff to discuss that you’re interested in.
I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition.
How weird, I’m going through the same exact thing as you. In my case I do have a circle of independent friends, but I’ve had trouble going from “friends” to “close friends”. Honestly what I discovered was, that was my own doing. It’s really easy to keep things on the surface with people, and not tell them what you are really struggling with.
Over the past few months I made a commitment to start being more open with my friends, and it’s really opened my eyes to 1) how wonderful they are as people, and 2) how much people are willing to open up to you once you show them that you’re willing to be a “trusted person”.
Anyway this isn’t what you asked, the way I met them was always through hobbies (music, martial arts), or friends of friends. I know you mentioned money is tight, so a hiking group or book club might be examples. You already know this, but IRL always beats online, atleast for me. Something about seeing other humans nourishes the soul in a way I can’t quite understand.
Hi, I’m not OP. I want to know, how do you become more open with people? I’m not asking you to spill your personal issues, rather, what sort of things you talk about that people consider “opening up”? I used to think I was open in general, but I’m starting to believe perhaps that’s not the case.
I started talking to them about my problems and feelings. I don’t talk about my problems with them for the sake of trying to workshop a solution, but rather to share that I’m going through a difficult time. Socially, atleast where I come from, this isn’t something that men normally do.
Let me put it to you this way. You can have a long, entertaining conversation about video games for a few hours with your friends. But at the end of the day when you come home, do you know more about them? I’d argue that you learned more about their thoughts, but you didn’t learn much about their feelings.
I slowly became aware of this fact, after a long time in therapy. A friend would ask, “how do you feel about the election?” And I would respond, “I think politician A is going to win because…”
This is no different than the video game conversation. Imagine if instead I had said “I feel a sense of dread about the upcoming election. I am scared that politican A is going to pass legislation that makes my life more difficult”.
That’s such an awkward thing to say for me, because I’m so uncomfortable talking about how I feel. But the recognition that the wall exists is the first step, and the second is choosing to lead your life differently.
Some of my conversations are “meta” with these friends: “Well, that was an interesting side tangent about steam engines. But I’ve been trying to make sure I check in with my friends more often about how they’re feeling. How are you feeling today?”
And yeah, my friends can sometimes also respond with their thoughts. So I just gently tug it along by then mentioning how I find their answer relatable, because I often respond with feel questions by stating my thoughts, but I am really interested in how they feel.
My friends are quite receptive to this. I get the feeling it’s because all people are craving more authentic connections, but are struggling with saying the vulnerable thing, and not wanting to look weak/stupid. I get it, because I’m the same way, but I’m looking to change that. If you can show them that you won’t judge, possibilities start to open.
That’s a really good explanation, it’s so simple yet I didn’t see it that way before. Thanks for the answer!
i generally advise doing something and then finding people who like to do it too and then doing it with them. or you can become an alcoholic
I’m not sure those two things are mutually exclusive
Ive moved around a bit as an adult. Ive found that hobby groups are great to make friends. If you show up every week and don’t intentionally make anyone else feel shitty, you’ll find that you have friends after a few months.
Ive done this with disc golf, ultimate frisbee, magic the gathering, dungeons and dragons.
If you show up regularly with the intention of having a good time, people will also show up with the intention of having a good time with you
First thing I would do is do some work on myself. Get a job that you are comfortable with (or even like if possible), start working out and eating right, get your own place (sounds like you might be staying with your parents from the post), and do the mental work to take accountability for things you can improve on in the way you have interacted in relationships.
The last one was the hardest for me after my big break up, but it took a lot of very intentional work to realize that I had a lot to change in order to be a good partner. If you want the woman of your dreams, you need to be the kind of man who deserves her.
Do things you actually enjoy doing, the friends and other things will come naturally. Don’t do things to try and make friends. Do things you like and the friends will come to you. No matter where you live you can find something you enjoy doing
Sooo I was kinda in your shoes a few months ago, and decided I really needed to do something about it before I lost my goddam mind. What I’m doing (and it’s kinda working) is to find a community that interests you, and persistently be involved in it. I personally found a streamer on Twitch and a few Discord communities, and hang out with those people by generally just being there and having small interactions with others. We watch the same things and play the same games in voice chat. It really helps to have some sort of common activity that you can comment on and springboard your experiences or stories. You don’t have to be that guy that’s obnoxious and in everyone’s face, just pay attention to the people in these groups and be super friendly. I’ve found a few acquaintances and am working on knowing them better to become friends. You’ll remember names and interesting things about them, or be like me and take notes so you don’t forget lmao. Eventually, they’ll say “Hi <name!> It’s nice to see you again. How was your day?” and then you know you’re on the right track.
Socializing is hard, especially when you’re not used to it and in this online era. If you’re friendly and attentive, people will reflect that energy back to you, and you will form bonds. Good luck!
Rural is difficult. Do you need to live out in the middle of nowhere? Work and kids activities (I have lots of kids) are the main ways I’ve met people but cities are full of many different people, in the outlying areas you may literally know everyone in town already, there aren’t new people to meet.
If you are up for it, a whole new start might be good for you. Maybe apply for jobs in a nearby city?
So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.
Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.
I appreciate this, thank you, and it’s not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it’s bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.
I’ve never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That’s on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She’s been friends with most of them since they were children, I’ve known them for the last 20 years or so. It’s complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they’d take me in, but they’ve notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she’ll be there.
