My wife found out Saturday through an ancestry.com DNA test that her dad is not her actual biological father. Her mother had a supposed one time incident with a man she found on Facebook through the names on the ancestry test. Her parents separated when she was 6. She wasn’t close with her dad over the years, but there was nothing ugly about it. Now she has been getting closer with him. She doesn’t want to tell him that he’s not her biological father, as that would hurt the relationship.
I told her she needs to tell him, because honesty is a building block of a relationship and that he’s still her father. If he finds out through the test that he took too (and didn’t put it together that she’s not his), then he will be devastated that she didn’t say anything. My question is, should she tell him or not?
I’ll support her decision either way, but I think honesty is the right thing. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing. I understand that her Dad, who raised her, will always be her true father to her.
“her dad is not her actual biological father”
Who cares. he is her dad.
But seriously, while pedantic I think differentiating between “dad” and “father” is part of the solution here. Your title leans into one of the most abrasive ways she could break the news (I know that wasn’t a proposed phrasing). “Your my dad, I love you, but turns out your not my bilogical father” is much more palatable way to break the news, and puts the focus on what’s actually important.
Either way, as you said, it’s her decision. Even if agreement from us commenters is unanimous she should chuck out all our opinions and do what she thinks is right.
I feel like the first thing you said kind of goes without saying and of course she wouldn’t put him on a tee and blast him with “you ain’t my daddy.” I guess I’m just looking to put my thoughts out somewhere, because I can’t talk to anyone about it. Thank you!
I know it’s not intentional, but the language does matter. By saying “she’s not his daughter” as in the title, it suggests to anyone who has kids that are not biologically related to them, that they are not their kids. Similarly, when people talk of someone’s “real parents”.
He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy.
I vote for no, there’s nothing to gain from telling him.
Except if he finds out later that she was hiding this from him deliberately that could be excruciatingly hurtful. Whereas telling him now, I think, is more likely to play out as a “I just found out but you’re still my dad regardless of genetics” thing.
Idk I feel like most dads would accept “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid it would change our relationship, when I really love what we have now and don’t want to lose it, and when no matter what the genes say, I’ll always think of you and love you as my dad” as a valid excuse.
The upvotes to this are short-sighted and, as a step-dad myself, I can only wish the opposite we’re true. I cannot imagine having the rare chance at rebuilding a fractured relationship with my flesh & blood decades later and then hearing from them that it wasn’t technically accurate? 💀 No, the simple act of telling him would imply importance, and that is not the intent. Don’t. Please, don’t.
It’s reasonable to suspect that something like this might be important and denying him the truth is denying him agency to choose.
It may be the case that you would rather not know. How can you guarantee the same about another man you’ve never met?
You missed my point entirely. Please, reread.
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53m here, so a fellow GenX’er and fellow gadget geek.
The Bulbs: They are by far the best. Gives a full 100W (1600 lumens) on their colored bulbs, there is even a 85W BR30 bulb. I haven’t looked for a year, but Philips were the only manufacturer offering that back then. Colors are really good. I mean, really really good.
The hub: An actual honest to god, dotting the lower case “j’s” and crossing the lower case “f’s”, Zigbee implementation. As a Homeseer user, this was important to be able to integrate the bulbs and hub with Homeseer HS4. It works perfectly, actually better than my Zwave network.
Of course they are fracking expensive. However, I have a lot of the dimming (color temp correction dimming) white, non Hue bulbs around the house. Not one has failed after years of use, even in fixtures they were not really meant for. That bodes well for the Hue bulbs. Reports on the internet show they are reliable as well.
All of my Hue bulbs are color bulbs, not the color temp changing white bulbs. I was like you, at first, what is the point of the color bulbs. However, I setup some scenes around the house and it’s just…nice. It’s amazing at just how much changing the colors change up a room. I go to bed every night with a color changing scene that I programed through Homeseer and I actually sleep better.
Your mileage may vary of course, but I personally think they are worth the cost. Am I going to change out every bulb in the house? No, they are way too expensive for that.
Wrong thread, bucko.
This is weird, because I was looking at the text of the original, while writing my reply.
My sincerest apologies. I have no idea what happened.
There are some things you should sleep on for a night.
And there are some things you should sleep on for a month.
Then there is this.
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Imagine if your child finds out and you’ve lied to him 20 years. It might matter to him. I know if I found out that my parents weren’t my biological parents and they didn’t tell me that I would be devastated. Of course her Dad will always be her Dad, but that doesn’t make it hurt less.
So… should I also tell him his mum cheated on me and also ruin my marriage?
Yeah nah I’m good.
Dude, your cheating wife ruined the marriage, not you. I’m glad you’re good with it though.
I’m a disabled veteran and rely on her to look after me. I’ll be in a cardboard box on the side of a road without her or dead probably. Things aren’t always as simple as they seem.
If my son finds out I’ll just say it was a shock to me too.
Don’t tell. If he finds out she can say she already knew but doesn’t care because it changes nothing Dad.
No.
What good will come of it? What bad will come of it?
I can’t think of a good, but for a bad he could have his heart broken.
He’s her dad. He raised her. Anything else is unimportant after this.
If he finds out and asks her, that is the answer.
“You are my dad.”
Extremely well put. I understand @JoumanaKayrouz@lemmy.world 's point of view, that honesty is the best policy - but I do think this is one of the few exceptions to that.
This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy. As painful as it is, there’s just no good way to keep a secret like this once the genie is out of the bottle. There are too many ways for it to click for Dad, and too many different vectors for the information to make it to him even if he doesn’t piece things together.
Only she can make the decision and only she knows her dad, but OP’s wife should probably have a private conversation with him and explain that the test is not wrong, with sensitivity and emotional truth. Of course he’ll be hurt and embarrassed. He might be angry, but by hiding it, especially when he’s interested in AncestryDNA (which, btw, is rock solid at this scale), she’d just be adding onto the list of people who’ve lied to him and who decided they were equipped to make decisions for him. She’s just hoping to play kick the can until he dies, and that’s no way to have an honest relationship with someone you love.
The toolset available to those who want to be unfaithful has simply shrunk in the last 10-20 years. There is a lot of family hurt that is coming out due to it, and IMHO it is a fool’s errand to try to deny it exists, rather than mitigate it with love and empathy.
This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy
Sounds like an opertunity to build the community here.
Thank you for putting how I feel so elegantly.
The honest truth is… It doesn’t matter. Being a dad/father is not the same as being a genetic donor.
Your wife is not the cheater here and has no obligation to say anything. Again, because it doesn’t matter.
The easy thing is to immediately tell him. The hard thing is to let the past stay in the past. If he finds out on his own means, and cares enough to roach the topic, it’s a great time to have the conversation about what a father is.
The easy thing is to immediately tell him.
Tell that to my wife
Dude, you focused on 1 sentence and missed the point.
#1 It is Your WIFE’S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.
#2 Your wife knows her dad better than you do. Trust her.
#3 Biology does not make a parent. She believes her genetics is irrelevant to her relationship with her father. She’s probably right. Odds are that he’s suspected she’s biologically not his for a while anyway.
#4 He took the test, too. He knows. Knowing that she knows and is still seeking him out as though nothing has changed probably means the world to him. No need to confront something they both are ignoring.
#5 Your wife is a full-grown, functioning adult with a mature relationship with her father. She can make these decisions without your assistance. Quit it.
Also, if you undermine this and leak it in any way, she has every right to leave you. This could be divorce-worthy behavior.
Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.
#1 It is Your WIFE’S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.
Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.
Have you ever even had a girlfriend?
I think the question she should ask herself is what’s the cost. What it will cost him, if she insists on pursuing. Apparently they somehow already discussed the topic (since he did ask her about the results), it’s already “not even a possibility in his brain” that she’s not his bio (or he’s really pulling an IDGAF), so is it really worth digging further and forcing him to acknowledge that it’s “not an error”?
Yes, though obviously you have to do it in a way that doesn’t ruin the relationship.
Something akin to “I have to tell you something important, can we talk over coffee?”
Have her break the news in-person.
If he took a test at the same time, and knows she did as well, won’t he be asking about the results?
I think she should tell him, but also stress that to her she is his Dad, and if she isnt intending on tracking down her biological donor she should make that clear also. He was the one there throughout the years, he is the one trying to make an effort now. It sounds like she loves him and is afraid of losing him, give her some time to absorb and process. Maybe she could talk to a therapist to help her sort this out, and for tips on the best language to use etc?
I mean I’m estranged from my father and I would be having big feeling finding out something like this.
He did ask. She matched with her mom’s side, he matched with his side. She matched with people neither of them have ever heard of and he thinks it’s some sort of error. I think it’s so unbelievable to him that it’s not even a possibility in his brain.
Oof, that’s sad. I think she needs to tell the truth and that she is afraid of paying the price and losing her father, no matter the dna, because her mom was stupid enough to not only cheat, but to do it unprotected.
I have a lot of sympathy for all of you, except her mother. I also think he may be afraid, or just in denial but that doesn’t mean he will stay that way. She owes him the truth, even though it was never her lie or responsibility.
The truth is usually the right answer, and I think it is in this case too. However she should consider how it would affect her mother too.
Just tell to him asap, don’t wait a scene. Love always understand whatever they’ve been going through. Just properly say or confirm with her mother (only parents should know her birth actually) if she’s his biological daughter, and make a clear & well-mannered discussion despite emotions will arouse. Upon whatever the result will be, love will never make them think that they’ll be going cold/apart just because they be not lineally related. If the unproven father truly cares her, he must be so so much mature (cause he’s literally adult and old I guess to understand those circumstances) to handle and decide himself for his becoming unbiological daughter and their family without despising/harming each other like children’ tantrums—why would he burn the bridge (after be hurt from her telling the truth) after all they’ve been bonding and caring together for so many long years as if does he really know(love) her at all?
