Hello. For context, I am in a university. I do not have any friends, and it feels like colleagues talk bad about me. This makes me quite hesitant to join any circles or attend seminars. I am not sure it is everyone who thinks bad about me though, I fear about asking. Yet I plan to do research, so I should attend seminars to learn current trends and stuffs. May I ask what I should do in such a situation? Are friends necessary, or not really? Also should I stop being in this environment and get a job instead? Thanks for reading lengthy paragraph, I would love any comments or advice for this.
If you’re autistic, there’s a good chance that autistic masking is the root cause here. If you have social anxiety especially, your mask will kick in automatically (subconsciously) and come off as fake to most people, and they will not like you for it. A quick test for this is, are you good at making a good first impression or short time of friendship and then it kinda falls off with time? If yes, masking is likely in play. I highly recommend the book Unmasking Autism even if you’re not autistic. It applies to others as well and it is excellent.
The short term (maybe long term…?) solution is to make autistic friends. They’ll understand “the weird” and it should be much simpler. Try searching around your local area for autism or neurodivergent clubs and see how you feel around other similarly-minded people.
Considering my high school life, it was kind of opposite - I had handful of friends then, but they went different path and it became hard to keep contact with. Others basically hated me, making fun of me and borderline bullying me.
I did become isolated in uni, I think I did stay away from others. Was too scared of making a mistake.
How likely is it that the people you were tight with were neurodivergent as well? Looking back, I had a huge friend group of probably 25-30 in high school (though I was only close with like 2 of them, and cordial/friendly with the rest) and this left me “off the scent” of discovering my Autism until my 30s. Looking back, I would be surprised if a single person in t hat group wasn’t Autistic or ADHD at least, if not several other things too. We were just lucky enough that we all found each other and didn’t judge. We considered each other “The Island Of Misfit Toys” or the “weird” kids, which I believe tracks well.
I also found myself to be very polarizing. Either I was super friendly with people or I was literally openly mocked with little in between.
I also had an isolating phase when I joined the military. I had maybe one to two friends at the best times, and none through most of the rest of the time.
Later in life (late 20s), I “perfected” my mask and got back on the social side of life but I wasn’t happy. Only recently have I learned what Autistic masking is and how to stop doing it, and I’m fairly close with about 6 people now, which is the most real friends I have ever had.
That sounds likely for my high school days, but not for middle school ones. That said, people were likely less mature in middle school. I feel like I am very bad at masking, I wonder if it is in effect at all.
Clubs are a good call. Look into societies at your university, find something that you’re interested in or think you could be interested in. Societies are social in a way that seminars and other course activities are not. Don’t worry if you don’t “click” with anyone immediately, keep attending and do your best to engage in conversations.
I also recommend seeking out a university counsellor. Most universities will have them and their advice can be valuable.
Autistic and neurodivergent people are the only ones I can even begin to relax enough to have a conversation. I have a lot of baggage and being undiagnosed in school was extremely damaging. I love to talk, but I make people uncomfortable. So I usually just sit quietly somewhere, move seats/tables as bigger groups want the space, and eventually leave once the anxiety/torture becomes too overwhelming.