I found dating challenging as well. What I noticed though, was that the quality of matches went way up. The few folks I’d chat with were open, clear with their expectations, and knew what they were looking for. No aimless dating and assumptions.

The same can be said for monogamous relationships, but we’re not taught how to be clear with our needs, making assumptions and guesswork the foundation for relationships.

I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you, and I’m proud of you for challenging yourself.

There are a few different spectrums to consider.

Sex - Asexual to swinging NSA Relationships - Closed to Open Partners - One to Many

Any variation of these is valid, and provides non-linear descriptions for folks to find their relationship identities.

Excellent points. Every relationship is valid, and only we can determine what works for ourselves. I choose poly and CNM because I have an abundance of love to offer, and know I can’t find everything I need in one person.

I appreciate the concerns about jealousy and division of attention. Those are common concerns, and often seen in any relationship. For me, jealousy is a fear of loss. If I’m not afraid to lose my partner, what am I afraid of? This is what led me to understand that I was envious of someone spending time with her, not that I was afraid to lose her.

As for the division of time, that is definitely a concern. If I don’t balmace and manage my relationships properly, someone will feel neglected, and that’s not okay. Having two partners requires additional effort, communication, and vulnerability. I can’t get away with shit, and I have continually own up to my actions with full accountability.

That all being said, my parents are a model of sustainable, healthy monogamy, and I treasure that. They’ve been an example of what’s also possible, and I would never discount that. If people are open and honest with themselves and others, any relationship can be just as healthy and sustainable.

Great question. The main point that’s shaped my view on it, is that no person owes me their time, and I can’t own them.

My partner and I have been together for 7 years, and started off as non-mono (CNM Poly). We’ve always respected each other’s autonomy and independence. During that time, we developed a stable, loving relationship, and encouraged each other to meet other people. I understand that she owes me nothing, and I can’t control her time or who she spends her time with. This was established at the beginning, so expectations were managed properly from the start.

That being said, we both choose to stay together. We’ve been through hell in the last 7 years, and I wouldn’t do it with anyone else. I’m comfortable knowing she’ll continue to be with me, despite her other relationships. Even if she decides this waa no longer a relationship she wanted to be in, it would suck and I would be heartbroken, but I would survive, and eventually be okay.

Another core belief is that we can’t possibly expect one person to meet all of our needs. This is a completely unreasonable expectation. It’s suffocating, and puts way too much pressure on your partner. We both have other people in our lives that help to round out our relationships.

The biggest thing for me is that ever single person involved intentionally chooses to be in the relationship they’re in. They’re not in the relationship due to a default, or expectation from a mono normative society. They’re making the intentional choice to do what makes them happy.

I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have about the topic. This is something near and dear to me, and respectful curiosity from others always sparks joy in me.

Make sure you share those links then! Lots of folks still don’t know this exists, so try to help them through the process just like you did. Send them the links, and let them know it’s not as confusing as it’s made out to be.

No judgement here! I’m not one to yuck someone’s yum.

There’s a furry community on lemmy.ca you might want to check out.