I am monogamous through experience. Early in my relationship with my wife we explored various forms of non-monogamy. I can’t swing. I need an emotional connection before I can bring myself to be sexual with another person. I had two girlfriends, and for the most part I was only comfortable having sex with them in the context of a three-way, while my wife is straight. She likes other women’s bodies, but doesn’t have a desire to go further than touching their boobs or having a BDSM scene.

She only had one person she was interested in sex with. I was supportive but also didn’t like waiting at home while she went off. Never went further than a handjob because he wasn’t comfortable with the scene.

We gave it a shot and I’m not interested in pursuing non-monogamy. I’d still let her have a shot, but she’s into perimenopause and I don’t think she is into sex much any more. My dick has always been unreliable and it has gotten even moreso in my fifties.

I do sometimes wish I had someone to go out with because my wife doesn’t want to really go anywhere or do anything unless it involves getting drunk and country music. But I’m also kinda autistic and my ability to communicate my mind without hurting someone’s feelings is limited. So I just… deal. My life is pretty good even if I dream of something more it’s probably not realistic and definitely not worth risking what I have.

At least part of it is self esteem and trust. That’s not to say that no poly people have self esteem issues, but if I am worried that my partner being with another person means I’m not good enough for them, then I’m going to feel resentful, insecure, jealous, or some combination of those. That’s not a recipe for success. But if I can feel like their time without me isn’t a reflection on their time with me, then there’s not as many feelings in the way.

But I think overall for me the philosophy is a rejection of Hallmark and Disney notions of love. I don’t believe any one person could ever be my one and only everything, and in fact it seems sick to put that much pressure on either of us. Whereas spreading the load around and having different people with different strengths seems much healthier.

So maybe a bit more “community” oriented, rather than individualistic or insular “you and I against the world”?

Or maybe I’m putting too much into this 😛

Great question. The main point that’s shaped my view on it, is that no person owes me their time, and I can’t own them.

My partner and I have been together for 7 years, and started off as non-mono (CNM Poly). We’ve always respected each other’s autonomy and independence. During that time, we developed a stable, loving relationship, and encouraged each other to meet other people. I understand that she owes me nothing, and I can’t control her time or who she spends her time with. This was established at the beginning, so expectations were managed properly from the start.

That being said, we both choose to stay together. We’ve been through hell in the last 7 years, and I wouldn’t do it with anyone else. I’m comfortable knowing she’ll continue to be with me, despite her other relationships. Even if she decides this waa no longer a relationship she wanted to be in, it would suck and I would be heartbroken, but I would survive, and eventually be okay.

Another core belief is that we can’t possibly expect one person to meet all of our needs. This is a completely unreasonable expectation. It’s suffocating, and puts way too much pressure on your partner. We both have other people in our lives that help to round out our relationships.

The biggest thing for me is that ever single person involved intentionally chooses to be in the relationship they’re in. They’re not in the relationship due to a default, or expectation from a mono normative society. They’re making the intentional choice to do what makes them happy.

I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have about the topic. This is something near and dear to me, and respectful curiosity from others always sparks joy in me.

I believe that people’s views are shaped by… Almost everything.

Every movie, TV show, book, comic, song. It’s almost always a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend. Or a single person looking for their “other half”. Or someone in a monogamous relationship who is cheating. Or getting cheated on.

Monogamous relationships in media can either be the focus or just a background detail. Non-monogamous relationships are almost always treated as gimmicks. TV Shows like Big Love or Sister Wives. Harem animes. That kind of thing.

I am really struggling to think of media that portrays non-monogamy as just a normal thing. Maybe media where casual hookups are a thing might count for you? But I see that as a person being fundamentally single usually, not polyamorous.

And there’s also incidental media. Advertisements, packaging, etc. The existence of “family size” implies a standard sized family.

Beyond media, there’s all of the other examples they have. Parents, grandparent, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, coaches. I think everyone has a subconscious push to copy what they have seen elsewhere in relationships, and it takes a good bit of self-reflection and purposeful change to get out of that.

For me personally, my awakening was when I read Stranger in a Strange Land as a teen. The whole book got me in the habit of analyzing relationships of all kinds. That included a section of the book where the main character starts a cult, and the whole cult is basically one big polycule. It was just a small section of the book and it was presented as so… Normal.

We tend to think of “marriage” as like a combo meal at a fast food restaurant- it’s the #1, a burger, fries, and a drink. A small house, a white fence, a shared bank account. Someone to be with spiritually, emotionally, sexually, politically, financially, nutritionally (I’ve seen veganism lead to divorce), and in so many other ways. But it doesn’t have to be. Some people sleep in separate beds, or separate rooms. Some people get married but keep separate houses or apartments. Some people keep separate bank accounts.

Even then, I read the book as a teenager and was kind of open to the idea, but never thought it would work in practice. Eventually I started dating my wife who is bi, and the topic of threesomes came up. We ended up having a successful one with a friend of hers she had a crush on for a while. We briefly looked into trying some exhibition, so same-room sex with other couples. Found some people online and went to dinner with a few but never really materialized.

About a year ago another couple we were friends with propositioned. They were both bi, had been monogamous for roughly a decade, and wanted some gayness in their bedroom. I’m like, mostly straight, but for me this presented a lot of rare opportunities for new experiences. So now I have a boyfriend and a non-binary girlfriend in addition to my wife.

What do you think shapes someone’s views

Role models.

Parents, other relatives, people that you considered important during your whole youth.

Usually you watch them how they live their life and what important decisions they make for their life, and then you decide (consciously or unconsciously) to copy some of it in your own life.

I believe it to be a trait, like the sexual orientation, that is preset. It might, due to past experiences, vary a bit, but … I doubt that it can be changed entirely.

~But, as I said, that’s not more than just a belief of mine.~

I consider it mainly a point of communication and managing expectations.

If A wants multiple sexual partners, but also wants B, while B doesn’t want their partner to have anyone else, then A can:

• give up on B and go on with other partners
• repress their desires in favour of B and not tell B about it. Get married
  • eventually A gets frustrated with B and asks to end their relationship
• lie to B and get married to them and then go around their backs, doing whatever

You can easily see the cases where it doesn’t work out.
There are more cases…

• B wants A and asks for a relationship. A tells B their expectations. Then you get one of:
  • B represses their desires leading to eventual frustration
  • B understands the incompatibility and looks for someone else
• B wants A and asks for a relationship. A doesn’t tell B their properties and B is working with incomplete/wrong information.

Either way, the important part is to not fixate on getting a specific person who you only know a little about, just to end up in an undesirable situation later on.
But it is also important to convey these things before getting the other to make any sort of commitment or you are just doing the personal equivalent of False Advertising.

I was in a monogamous relationship and had feelings for someone else. I didn’t want to cheat, but it felt wrong I couldn’t do anything with this other person that I felt chemistry with. I knew I wouldn’t be upset if my partner had other people so long as she also spent time with me. After that relationship ended (for other reasons) I decided not to put myself in the same situation.

Ironically, pursuing non monogamy means there are far fewer people to date. I was getting a viable match like once a month or so, maybe less. When I switched back to monogamy as an option, it was like 1d4-1 a week.

I fail to see the spectrum on this one. What is between those two ends?