Always knock before entering his room

I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:

Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.

There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.

I know this is going to be a very awkward conversation, but you have to understand this: he will be finding and watching porn, and most likely already is at 14. Don’t shame him for that. In any way. Let him know that you know, and that it’s normal, but that it’s important to think of it like it’s just the movies. Cos that’s what it is.

As a guy, best I can say is educate him on what women go through. Make sure he knew what is going on, so he doesn’t look like an idiot with a woman. And so he isn’t like me and learn about how periods actually work when he’s almost thirty because he doesn’t get a joke in a movie.

What he needs to learn at this age isn’t what he will do through, school will do that for him. He needs to know what others will go through. Religious thinking kept most of female anatomy out of the public schools I went to.

Plenty of good advice in this thread.

I’m gonna shout out the boy version of the book “what’s happening to my body?”

https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Happening-Body-Book-Boys/dp/1557047650

It was super helpful to me in puberty, even with trusted male figures. It’s written from a non-judgemental, information focused space. It also let’s him has some way of privately seeking knowledge that isn’t just whatever he finds on the internet

Male puberty happens a bit later than female puberty; at almost 14 he’s either in the thick of it or just about done.

I don’t think male puberty is quite as “what the Lovecraftian fuck is happening to me right now” as female puberty. His voice either has or will drop, this isn’t physically painful but it’s not fun how people react to it sometimes.

He is going to GROW. When I was 15 I outgrew a pair of shoes overnight. Came home from school one day, took my shoes off, went to bed. Woke up the next morning, those same shoes didn’t fit. In the next couple years he’s probably going to have some joint or bone aches just from growing so much. My parents fed me Tylenol which did basically nothing, I’m not convinced Tylenol works. It’ll slow down by the time he’s out of high school but where girls are pretty much at adult size at 18 boys will keep growing a bit into their early 20s.

He’s gonna get stronger. Sometimes it’s going to sneak up on him; prepare for the occasional moments of didn’t know his own strength style clumsiness.

Physical activity is a good idea; sports, marching band, shop class, if you can get him up and moving during the day and not packed into a classroom it’ll be good for his brain. Boys don’t really do well sitting in a classroom all day.

For the above three reasons he is going to have a VORACIOUS appetite. I ate 5,000 calories a day and struggled to gain weight in high school. Let the kid eat. A hungry teen is an angry teen. Somewhere around 19 or 20, either in college or in the get a job part of life, that growth spurt is tapering off and there’s less physical activity inherent in life, so the need for calories is going to decrease but his ordering habits won’t. 19 years old is about time to start ordering medium combo meals.

You can expect a certain amount of teenage moodiness; his brain is rewiring itself. He’ll have feelings. Society isn’t okay with this. He’ll learn how to express nothing but anger or amusement. This is ultimately for the best; once he’s an adult he will be expected to do two things: Work and die. Having feelings is accomplishing neither of those so he is expected to…never do that. Some people will ask him for displays of emotions; he will quickly learn that they are not interested in his actual feelings because those would require, like, dealing with or whatever. They want to see an impromptu rom-com performance.

Unexplained genital pain is never normal in males; “it hurts, and it has hurt for awhile now” is reason to see a doctor.

When I was 14 my dad came into my room right before the homecoming dance and handed me a bunch of condoms. That was about all of the talk I got. That said, I was 19 when my first kid was born… but that is a whole different issue.

What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?

As a male, not much really happens, other than feeling grumpy as hell pretty much all the time, an undeserved sense of superiority after realizing how logic works, and a fucking intense sex drive. I cannot stress the last part enough, teenage boys are a horny bunch and, thanks to the internet, will probably masturbate multiple times a day. What you should tell him, and hope it enters his brain, is that the more porn he consumes, the less likely he’ll be to feel satisfied with actual sex, which can lead to disappointing relationships later on.

Another couple of comments said to “knock before entering his room”. If you want to “assert authority”, open without knocking and, if you catch him in the act, just nonchalantly tell him to “do it elsewhere and clean up properly” - if anything, teach him to wipe it dry and don’t use water to clean up. He will feel ashamed from being caught, but if you, as his mother, treats it as something natural and expected, hopefully he’ll get the right idea that, yes, that is something to be done in privacy, but not necessarily something to feel ashamed of.

Talk about sex. Tell him that he must wear a condom when he does it and to keep a bottle of lube to help (water based lube only, oils will wreck condoms)

Lastly, if he ever brings a girlfriend home, tell her to only do it with a condom and to not accept any of his possible excuses to not use one.

Besides all the good advice in the thread, about condoms:

He should be somewhat comfortable with putting on condoms, he has to train that before it becomes necessary. There are plenty of videos explaining it, let him find them and check them out on his own terms. Let him know not every brand fits every man. He will need to overcome the awkwardness of buying them in drug stores or supermarkets, if he finds it awkward at all, he has to get over himself and do it. A possible motivation could be that if girls can buy their period products, he can buy his dick wraps.

I find it very commendable that you think about this problem!

NRK had a series on puberty that is no-nonsense, straight to the point. It was hosted by a physician. Most of it is on YouTube, and from a very brief look has English subtitles. Warning, it contains full frontal nudity of people at various ages. It is rated for children in Norway, but might be shocking to someone not used to seeing nipples on TV. It should be quite informative. Watch it yourself and decide if you want your son to see it. I have no idea if it is geoblocked.

If he suddenly really wants to do his laundry one morning, don’t ask questions. (Wet dreams and embarassment being the context here.)

That’s about all I can think of that’s gendered, really.

I was ~9 when I got the talk from my Dad, and it was basic stuff about just the mechanics. It set things up so that, around 13, I went to him with questions about how I was feeling re: puberty. So even now it’ll be helpful to do the talk and show that you’re available as a resource.

In your case, your son likely has some idea from internet pornography and whatever he got in school, but it would still be helpful to go through the basics with him. I’d frame it as “I’m sure you know most of this, but i just want to make sure you know what’s important.” It might also be helpful to make clear that pornography is as much acting as TV is - don’t set his expectations on it, it’s people faking things for money.

Going over the importance of condom use also helpful at his age. Keep in mind, it’s not necessarily about what he’s going to use right away, but making sure he knows when he does need to know.

Then, I’d just be there for him and ask if he has any questions, and answer them frankly. Tell him he can come back later if he’s unsure.

It’s awkward and tough I’m sure, but it’ll be a help not just now, but going forward. Good luck!

Aside from basic biological stuff, trust and consent. Consent is required. Trust no one you don’t know extremely well and are in a committed relationship (especially as regards protection and contraception).

I wonder if educational videos exist on this. I assume so somewhere. As a dude in his 40s not having kids, I thought “maybe I should reach out to volunteer to help” but, at the same time, realize there are so many weirdos on the internet I would always say no in the same circumstance. Maybe if there are no educational vids, I could try to create something.

Raising kids is hard. Good on you for trying to do things properly. Best of luck!

First off…you are a great parent. Respect. The most important thing I wish I heard at 14 is that changes are normal, sexual desire is normal, a teenagers body is spurting growth and this may be awkward, but also normal.

When I was 14, my knees hurt because of my growth spurts.

When I was 14, there were a lot of awkward arousals that I had to cover with my back back.

When I was 14, I was still smaller compared to others, by 18 I was towering above everybody.

When I was 14 I was a coward with girls. When I really shouldn’t have been.

When I was 14, I was bullied, and wish with all my heart, I would have Stood up for myself…if I had a cthwr figure to tell me that instead of teachers telling me to be peaceful Instead.

Hell, maybe a big brother program would help.

Hell, if you are desperate, DM me…maybe I can help

This may be weird, but honestly I wish someone had just given me a copy of “she comes first” (a good book I still use today), and an Adam and Eve gift card. The last one I’ll give you one good reason: it’ll be a lot better if he’s fucking a toy than having sex as a teen. It’ll also make it a bit of a training experience, a lot of guys that age just want to know “what it’s like”.

I never received any kind of talk from my parents. Also, in my home country, during the communist era and even after, sex ed in schools was taboo. Crazy thing too, since it had (and still has) one of the highest teen pregnancy numbers in Europe.

Anyway, I did not want that with my kids. Luckily where we live now there is a strong sex ed program in schools, but also at home, we were always open. We talk about sex casually, we reiterate “always ask for consent” and “no means no”, and my son even ratted out one of his school buddies who’s a Tate fan. He knew that what the guy was saying was wrong, so they don’t hang out anymore.

Also, sexuality. One of my daughters came out to us over dinner, so casually, “dad, I think I’m gay”. I just said “cool” and gave an awkward fist bump.

Just be open, casual, don’t make things weird.

I think the two big things I have to add are:

1. Don’t let the church educate your son on these things.

2. Don’t say nothing.

If you’re unsure about talking to them about these things yourself, seek out a man you trust, talk to them about it and make sure your values align, and then talk to your son about them together.