My parents are 57 and 63. My mother is erratic, forgetful, and when she gets mad she sometimes screams and throws things. My father is slowly going deaf, getting slower and more stubborn and forgetful as well. They can be infuriating sometimes, but I know that they’re aging and I can’t be mad at them. How do I deal with this, especially early on in preparation for further down the road?
I keep seeing comments along the lines of calling OP’s parents “elderly”, but early 60s are barely reaching retirement age. They shouldn’t be having such cognitive impairments…
Well, this post is about being prepared for when it gets worse.
I think you should start looking for specialists, especially with your mom’s erratic behavior. She shouldn’t be having that kind of cognitive decline yet.
Either your parents have serious problems or your mum is developing some form of illness. They need to see someone.
57 and 63 is incredibly young to start losing all that. They sound like they are mid seventies / early eighties. Where are you that people are aging so fast? Are they getting enough exercise cuz this sounds more like very bad life styles or something is early onset rather than just aging. Something is very off with this situation. This isn’t healthy ‘aging’. Something is deeply wrong.
I was gonna say, my Mum’s starting to get a bit like this but she’s 86 so it’s not a surprise … 57? Hard yikes.
Install a carbon monoxide detector in their house…
I would look at it as you’re getting frustrated. It is important to identify the emotion and it can be valid.
It is also a reason why a lot of people describe caring for the elderly the same as caring for children.
That is awfully young to be having cognitive changes and deafness. Have they been evaluated for health problems?
I can see why you are frustrated - if they are already falling apart, you could have decades of this behavior to deal with. I think it’s ok to talk to them about it. You don’t have to be mean. You are correct to be worried.
Not to get extreme, but my Dad died at the age of 63 after having a series of strokes that really caused a huge decline in his ability to function. Forgetfulness, loss of mobility, just an all-around descent into almost like a second toddler age. I was helping to take care of him during his last few years and in the run-up to his ultimately dying from a stroke, it felt like everytime I turned around he lost some basic functionality that you just sort of assume everyone who isn’t a toddler still has. At some point, without any of us knowing, the Dad I knew growing up was gone, and left in his place was this weak-willed person who craved only soda and cigarettes, that’s all he’d ever ask about. He watched The Irishman on repeat for days or weeks on end, because he’d forget what he had already watched just minutes prior. It was frustrating as all hell, but I would give anything in the world just to have that version of my Dad back for even just a few minutes. There was a few times I lost my patience with him and I still regret it. He died two years ago and I still think about him almost daily.
Not to get melodramatic or macabre, but you don’t want these memories of your parents to be haunted with remembrances of you losing your temper with them.
We have a saying from my side of the world. It goes, “A mother can take care of nine sons but nine (grown up) sons can’t take care of one old mother.”
Yes, it is infuriating, but getting mad at the situation only makes things worse. It isn’t like they will change or “get better” - you (hopefully) get better from a cold or illness. You don’t exactly “get better” from old age.
If they listen to you at all, consider that a win. If they are financially in decent condition, that’s also a massive win. If you can convince them to improve their health that has the potential to help the situation - eat better, maybe go for walks around the neighborhood.
I am going to assume that you don’t live with them, so one thing that has helped my mother tremendously is getting her an iPad. Both parents (who are older than OP’s parents by quite a bit) are not tech savvy in the slightest bit (I can not stress enough how NOT techie they are), plus their native language is not English, so communication for them has always been a little difficult. But getting my mother an iPad and installing Facebook on it was easily the best gift ever. She is able to communicate with relatives she hasn’t seen in decades. She can video chat with people 1/2 way around the world. It really is pretty amazing, especially since before the iPad, she’s never used a computer or had an email address or anything like that. Facebook gets a lot of well-deserved hate, but set it up for them, block whatever you can block and just make the it as streamlined as possible for them to use it. The large screen size on the iPad works infinitely better than a small phone screen.
You can pick your friends, pick your spouse. You cannot pick parents. You dont have to forgive them just because they are your parents. Shit behaviour is not forgivable. If they are behaving like a 5 years old on tantrum maybe they need to be left with their thoughts and think it over. They will change their mind when they are left out of things.
Treat them how you would wish to be treated when you are old, forgetful, stubborn, deaf, and slower. Getting old can suck. It’s angering. It hurts. They are humans with emotions. Don’t forget that.
Speaking as a 57 year old, it seems odd that they’re both having cognitive problems. As you might guess, most of my friends are around my age and literally zero of them are in any kind of decline like that.
Out of curiosity, do your parents have a carbon monoxide monitor in their home? IANAD but it’s my understanding that long term, low level CO poisoning can lead to symptoms like you’re describing.
Simple iron deficiency can also lead to rapid mental decline, and is very easily remedied.
Does your father have hearing aids? Studies have shown not hearing well can increase cognitive decline.
i am the eldest at 28. they r 76 and 66 respectively…dont recall me on them going deaf…and i agree: they can be stubborn as a brick, especially when having an alpha dad lol. infuriariting ? can’t state enough…but i always pour one out to cope with all of this…and maybe waiting to find someone reasonable i could live with 🤷
