All of my (23M) immediate family members turned out to be narcissists, with two of the three being violent. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize sooner that they were ALL like this and were irredeemable – no amount of patience or playing “armchair therapist” would help. I am just trying to make it off the ground, but I feel completely unsupported, anxious, and alone. I have lived under the constant threat of violence from a young age and the stress has poisoned me with chronic illness and moderate disability. It has taken me this long to see past the gaslighting, the cynical appeals to my empathy, and the charitable image I had of them that turned out to just be projection. I feel so dumb for not seeing it earlier.
It feels like I was meant to die young, like the very circumstances of my birth were inherently fatal. A covert narcissist married a violent criminal. The offspring were an even more violent criminal and a scapegoat. I am suddenly expected to succeed in an environment with zero (more like negative!) emotional support, where any attempt to assert an independent identity is violently suppressed, and where one misstep could trigger my brother’s killer instinct or make me the next subject of his sadistic fantasies.
I have savings, but I don’t know where to run to. It seems like both of my parents’ family trees are filled with trauma. I’m thinking of going to an in-person college, but I might not be able to afford living there year-round. My employment prospects are quite limited due to my conditions. I live in the U.S. in one of the worst times in recent history to be disabled. I am looking to live in an affordable city with good public transit.
Before I became disabled at my previous job, coworkers thought I was sweet, funny, caring, and gentle. But regardless of my surface potential for making friends, I am programmed to fear everyone in case they are hiding narcissism, sadism, or psychopathy beneath the surface.
Obviously I know that nobody can predict what my specific fate will be, but I’d like to hear about stories of people from similar backgrounds who have actually survived and found happiness and avoided what felt like certain doom. I want to have hope that things will be okay, and maybe get some ideas on how I’ll pull off this insane project.
Many colleges can be a great environment for learning and meeting people. College very commonly expands people’s horizons and leads to life long friends. And even if some students came from bad homes or are bad people, college gives them a chance to re-invent themselves.
Of course you don’t want to go to a party school and you need to be there to study primarily. But joining clubs and activities should open your world up considerably.
Remember you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.