All of my (23M) immediate family members turned out to be narcissists, with two of the three being violent. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize sooner that they were ALL like this and were irredeemable – no amount of patience or playing “armchair therapist” would help. I am just trying to make it off the ground, but I feel completely unsupported, anxious, and alone. I have lived under the constant threat of violence from a young age and the stress has poisoned me with chronic illness and moderate disability. It has taken me this long to see past the gaslighting, the cynical appeals to my empathy, and the charitable image I had of them that turned out to just be projection. I feel so dumb for not seeing it earlier.
It feels like I was meant to die young, like the very circumstances of my birth were inherently fatal. A covert narcissist married a violent criminal. The offspring were an even more violent criminal and a scapegoat. I am suddenly expected to succeed in an environment with zero (more like negative!) emotional support, where any attempt to assert an independent identity is violently suppressed, and where one misstep could trigger my brother’s killer instinct or make me the next subject of his sadistic fantasies.
I have savings, but I don’t know where to run to. It seems like both of my parents’ family trees are filled with trauma. I’m thinking of going to an in-person college, but I might not be able to afford living there year-round. My employment prospects are quite limited due to my conditions. I live in the U.S. in one of the worst times in recent history to be disabled. I am looking to live in an affordable city with good public transit.
Before I became disabled at my previous job, coworkers thought I was sweet, funny, caring, and gentle. But regardless of my surface potential for making friends, I am programmed to fear everyone in case they are hiding narcissism, sadism, or psychopathy beneath the surface.
Obviously I know that nobody can predict what my specific fate will be, but I’d like to hear about stories of people from similar backgrounds who have actually survived and found happiness and avoided what felt like certain doom. I want to have hope that things will be okay, and maybe get some ideas on how I’ll pull off this insane project.
My wife survived. She went away to college as far away as she could (where we met). Currently we are estranged from all of her family except her oldest brother, who is also estranged from the others (though he himself is in contact, but very low contact and grey rocking). She gave them a lot longer to try to change post college than they deserved, but they won’t, and you can’t make them. We tried having a relationship with her aunt, but she ended up being a flying monkey, nothing egregious against up, but something super egregious against the oldest brothers family.
I’m really proud of my wife and her oldest brother, they’re cycle breakers. Therapy is immensely helpful for processing trauma and for developing skills to handle it and the time after. It bears to keep in mind that the skills that help you survive , aren’t the same that help you thrive. When you escape the situation you will need to shed some of those defenses to allow yourself to grow. Closing yourself off will help you navigate life under a narcissist’s roof, but will make it more difficult to build relationships with others.
Trying to build up a support system outside of the narcissists would be helpful if you can. My wife did the work herself, but was aided by having me as a solid support for her to work off of (and me with her for my own mental health struggles (adhd))
I’d also say it was a long road, through our 20s we stayed in contact with them, and that was fairly rough. They’d just keep up the same behaviors and try to pull us back in. We finally cut them off in our early 30s, and the growth and healing has really accelerated since then. We are much happier now, and not having to waste energy on them allows us to devote energy to other issues/things. My wife’s career has taken off since, she’s gotten a cpap (if you have sleep apnea you NEED one of these), and my wife went from not wanting children because of the trauma of childhood, to us now having two amazing daughters
On the college side look into any grants or scholarships you can get for academic success or disability. My wife got virtually no assistance from her family (hell they told her they’d get her books and then after graduating said oh by the way here’s your debt from that)
Sorry if this was pretty disjointed, adhd and I was semi watching a toddler. Also look into getting an America the beautiful pass for disability. It is for life, is free (shipping cost if you order online or in mail), and gives access to all national parks, forests, and blm land. No paperwork was needed when I got mine, just read a statement and sign that it applies to you
You can do this!