This sounds like passive suicidal ideation: something that’s always there in the back of the mind, but not about to be actively acted on. To quote Anna Borges:

I don’t always want to be alive. Yes, I mean it. No, you shouldn’t be afraid for me. No, I’m not in danger of killing myself right now. Yes, I really mean it. How do you explain that?

I keep her article in my bookmarks, and re-read now and then: https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation