('Murica) At my age (40s) my parents owned a home in the suburbs. I still live in that house with those same parents so that should tell you the bulk of it.
I feel very resentful that I never got to spread my wings and just be an independent adult away from my parents in the same way my brother and sister have. I think I get along well with my folks and there are financial benefits to living in someone else’s house, but I can’t escape the fact I am their son, and a certain amount of paternalism seeps into our interactions sometimes, despite the fact that I’m the same age my father was when I was 10. I mean things like demanding rather than asking that I attend some family gathering, or insisting I wear more formal clothes to said gathering, etc. It doesn’t come up often, and I think they’re aware of how it makes me feel and try not to do it, but it still hurts when it does.
When I bring this up to them (or many others for that matter) the reaction is usually “Oh but that’s an American thing, wanting to cut loose at 18. It’s common in many cultures for adult children to live with their parents.” But I’m an American with American parents, who grew up watching American media, and I’m surrounded by Americans, so I measure my success vs other Americans, and especially when I was a kid, an adult living with their parents was an object of ridicule.
Of the three of us, my brother is doing the best materially speaking. He owns a house. My sister I don’t think is living paycheck to paycheck, but she isn’t rolling in money either.
Me (about 24) and my older brother (about 29) still live with our parents… 🙃
But we’re Asian so apparantly, according to google, it’s normal…
I am still financially dependent cuz I’m dealing with depression… health insurance literally still on my parents plan… so yea my self esteem is at an all time low
Feels so awkward when I criticize my parents when talking to a therapist, while I need their money to pay for said therapy…
I really wanna grow wings and fly away, but I cant, I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to my mom, I feel anxious without here presence, but SIMULTANEOUSLY I feel scared of mom. I think I fear abandonment.
You have no idea how anxious I feel when like… I traveled with parents, especially with mom, and I had use separate bathrooms cuz I’m old enough, so I sometimes stand outside waiting for mom and like idk why, but somehow women always take longer in the bathroom (no offense btw, just an observation I made) and like sometimes if I wait too long I’m like omg did mom abandon me and I just begin shouting her full name. Like especially when I’m around like 8 to 12, I get extremely anxious.
I feel like I have have developmental delays or some shit, I sleep with parents as a teen, which I know, the whole internet is gonna judge me for.
…
Anyways,
I can’t escape the fact I am their son
Yea I feel this too.
I don’t have my own transport (no drivers license) so I need my parents to drive me to places, and we went to the park the other day, and I still acted like a kid since I’m in the presence of my parents, reminicing on past, spending tome together, before all went to shit and I feel like they started resenting me. Perhaps its me, I’m the problem. Everyone just hates me, any kindness is merely pity.
Expectations grew, but my heart never grew, still feel like a child, still just want, desperate for their affection like a child.
I don’t feel ready for this world.
I’m expected to just “stop being depressed” in a snap of a finger and “start acting normal”, and they threatened to disinherit me.
I mean, I constantly get told how much “I have life better than them”, but idk how the fuck they go through the stuff in China and somehow now have permanent trauma, they make me feel like I’m weak for not being able to just shove away depression like its nothing just because “I had a better childhood than they ever did”
And I have to obey everything my parents say, because I cannot deal with doing this alone… the emotional abandonment and the withdrawl for money support would combined devastate me. My abusive older brother would’ve won, I get nothing, he triumph being an abuser, he’d get the last laugh…
Like my mother is pressuring my older brother to get married and I think he’s just doing it out of appeasement, I don’t think he even cares about getting married, I can’t imagine him being a good father, can’t even be a decent brother, imagine you were born to him, have him as a father? Jesus christ, his kids are so cooked.
Anyways idk whats the point of this comment, just like to talk about stuff I guess…
I can’t offer much other than to say I hope things get better for you. My childhood wasn’t that bad in spite of my blindness. Sure I couldn’t drive, but my friends couldn’t either. I didn’t have a job but neither did my peers. It was as I got older and my peers started becoming independent that the resentment started to brew.
I’m also dependent on others including my parents for transportation, which more than anything is why I feel the way I do. I can’t go anywhere without asking them. While they try to be accommodating they have their own schedules and I have to plan around them, so I don’t feel like I have my own life. Asking for help also feels too much like asking for permission.
No judgment, but you need to do some exposure therapy on separation. I know it’s hard and scary but it’s what works. I cried my first night living away from home, and fuck knows I wasn’t healthy when I lived in dorms, but it helped build independence. And I’m not saying “move out now”, I’m saying make a plan to spend a small amount of time away from your mom, do something, and you keep doing that until it’s no longer scary and then you do something more.
Also look up some anxiety management techniques, and start practicing some that seem relevant. I’m personally prone to catastrophizing and so for me figuring out the worst realistic scenario and planning for that helps calm me down by forcing me to actually reject unrealistic worries and reframe the situation as something where I can probably handle it if things go wrong. Breathing techniques and grounding techniques have done wonders for dealing with the physical experience of anxiety. I’ve also found exercise to be helpful, taking a walk and just chatting to myself about my feelings in my head is amazing, but if you can do something more strenuous like running, biking, push ups, or lifting that’s also awesome.
One step at a time, small, but consistent. The most important step a person can take is the next one. It’s ok to fail, but you get back up and try again. Getting out of this is a marathon not a sprint. You seem to really hate being in this position, and that’s fair, but you today can start the process that eventually will get you out of it.
I personally have found a “no zero days” philosophy to be extremely helpful for my goals. The way it works is every day you do something to advance a goal you have, even if it’s very little. When I was getting into shape that meant even on days I wasn’t running a calorie deficit I still did some bodyweight exercises, and if I forgot to exercise at all until bedtime I’d accept staying up a bit late to do a few push ups, just to ensure the habits stuck. For you that could mean even if you don’t have the energy to do anything you spend a few minutes meditating or doing a breathing exercise. But the low days should be accompanied by days with more effort, where you push yourself into the growth zone.
('Murica) At my age (40s) my parents owned a home in the suburbs. I still live in that house with those same parents so that should tell you the bulk of it.
I feel very resentful that I never got to spread my wings and just be an independent adult away from my parents in the same way my brother and sister have. I think I get along well with my folks and there are financial benefits to living in someone else’s house, but I can’t escape the fact I am their son, and a certain amount of paternalism seeps into our interactions sometimes, despite the fact that I’m the same age my father was when I was 10. I mean things like demanding rather than asking that I attend some family gathering, or insisting I wear more formal clothes to said gathering, etc. It doesn’t come up often, and I think they’re aware of how it makes me feel and try not to do it, but it still hurts when it does.
When I bring this up to them (or many others for that matter) the reaction is usually “Oh but that’s an American thing, wanting to cut loose at 18. It’s common in many cultures for adult children to live with their parents.” But I’m an American with American parents, who grew up watching American media, and I’m surrounded by Americans, so I measure my success vs other Americans, and especially when I was a kid, an adult living with their parents was an object of ridicule.
Of the three of us, my brother is doing the best materially speaking. He owns a house. My sister I don’t think is living paycheck to paycheck, but she isn’t rolling in money either.
Relatable, just wanna share:
Me (about 24) and my older brother (about 29) still live with our parents… 🙃
But we’re Asian so apparantly, according to google, it’s normal…
I am still financially dependent cuz I’m dealing with depression… health insurance literally still on my parents plan… so yea my self esteem is at an all time low
Feels so awkward when I criticize my parents when talking to a therapist, while I need their money to pay for said therapy…
I really wanna grow wings and fly away, but I cant, I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to my mom, I feel anxious without here presence, but SIMULTANEOUSLY I feel scared of mom. I think I fear abandonment.
You have no idea how anxious I feel when like… I traveled with parents, especially with mom, and I had use separate bathrooms cuz I’m old enough, so I sometimes stand outside waiting for mom and like idk why, but somehow women always take longer in the bathroom (no offense btw, just an observation I made) and like sometimes if I wait too long I’m like omg did mom abandon me and I just begin shouting her full name. Like especially when I’m around like 8 to 12, I get extremely anxious.
I feel like I have have developmental delays or some shit, I sleep with parents as a teen, which I know, the whole internet is gonna judge me for.
…
Anyways,
Yea I feel this too.
I don’t have my own transport (no drivers license) so I need my parents to drive me to places, and we went to the park the other day, and I still acted like a kid since I’m in the presence of my parents, reminicing on past, spending tome together, before all went to shit and I feel like they started resenting me. Perhaps its me, I’m the problem. Everyone just hates me, any kindness is merely pity.
Expectations grew, but my heart never grew, still feel like a child, still just want, desperate for their affection like a child.
I don’t feel ready for this world.
I’m expected to just “stop being depressed” in a snap of a finger and “start acting normal”, and they threatened to disinherit me.
I mean, I constantly get told how much “I have life better than them”, but idk how the fuck they go through the stuff in China and somehow now have permanent trauma, they make me feel like I’m weak for not being able to just shove away depression like its nothing just because “I had a better childhood than they ever did”
And I have to obey everything my parents say, because I cannot deal with doing this alone… the emotional abandonment and the withdrawl for money support would combined devastate me. My abusive older brother would’ve won, I get nothing, he triumph being an abuser, he’d get the last laugh…
Like my mother is pressuring my older brother to get married and I think he’s just doing it out of appeasement, I don’t think he even cares about getting married, I can’t imagine him being a good father, can’t even be a decent brother, imagine you were born to him, have him as a father? Jesus christ, his kids are so cooked.
Anyways idk whats the point of this comment, just like to talk about stuff I guess…
I can’t offer much other than to say I hope things get better for you. My childhood wasn’t that bad in spite of my blindness. Sure I couldn’t drive, but my friends couldn’t either. I didn’t have a job but neither did my peers. It was as I got older and my peers started becoming independent that the resentment started to brew.
I’m also dependent on others including my parents for transportation, which more than anything is why I feel the way I do. I can’t go anywhere without asking them. While they try to be accommodating they have their own schedules and I have to plan around them, so I don’t feel like I have my own life. Asking for help also feels too much like asking for permission.
No judgment, but you need to do some exposure therapy on separation. I know it’s hard and scary but it’s what works. I cried my first night living away from home, and fuck knows I wasn’t healthy when I lived in dorms, but it helped build independence. And I’m not saying “move out now”, I’m saying make a plan to spend a small amount of time away from your mom, do something, and you keep doing that until it’s no longer scary and then you do something more.
Also look up some anxiety management techniques, and start practicing some that seem relevant. I’m personally prone to catastrophizing and so for me figuring out the worst realistic scenario and planning for that helps calm me down by forcing me to actually reject unrealistic worries and reframe the situation as something where I can probably handle it if things go wrong. Breathing techniques and grounding techniques have done wonders for dealing with the physical experience of anxiety. I’ve also found exercise to be helpful, taking a walk and just chatting to myself about my feelings in my head is amazing, but if you can do something more strenuous like running, biking, push ups, or lifting that’s also awesome.
One step at a time, small, but consistent. The most important step a person can take is the next one. It’s ok to fail, but you get back up and try again. Getting out of this is a marathon not a sprint. You seem to really hate being in this position, and that’s fair, but you today can start the process that eventually will get you out of it.
I personally have found a “no zero days” philosophy to be extremely helpful for my goals. The way it works is every day you do something to advance a goal you have, even if it’s very little. When I was getting into shape that meant even on days I wasn’t running a calorie deficit I still did some bodyweight exercises, and if I forgot to exercise at all until bedtime I’d accept staying up a bit late to do a few push ups, just to ensure the habits stuck. For you that could mean even if you don’t have the energy to do anything you spend a few minutes meditating or doing a breathing exercise. But the low days should be accompanied by days with more effort, where you push yourself into the growth zone.
You can do this.