Would you ever straight up say to your son, ‘You are a disappointment’?
I would if they turned out conservative.
No. That’s a terrible name!
My dad said he was disappointed. I sat him down, looked him in his eyes and said, “Hi, Disappointed. I’m Son!”
Absolutely not. No matter what they have done, my love and support is unconditional. They may do things I don’t approve of, but I try to understand what motivates them and forgive them.
Even if they murder your dog in cold blood and eat it?
They wouldn’t do that.
It’s difficult to imagine a situation where this would be an appropriate thing to say. We don’t get to choose how we feel but articulating those feelings can be incredibly damaging. I would think carefully about why you think that. Children need love and compassion no matter what, else they may find themselves in the same situation that you are now in.
Maybe they eat your dog?
What the actual fuck? NO. Kids who are little are little kids, they are all potential, you can be somewhat disappointed in their behavior occasionally but not them. Grown kids are grownups with their own lives, they can disappoint themselves I guess but not me, and if they somehow managed it I still would not say that, they don’t exist to satisfy me, that’s not the point of having kids. Had kids to have a family and to grow some independent adults so they could have lives of their own.
if they were hateful. punching down types. maga. racists. yeah, yeah, I would.
No, but I would say something like “I am very dissapointed in you for doing X”. A kid can’t change who they “are”, but they can change what they “do”.
This is a key distinction. To make sure they understand it properly, I usually push it even further to “You did a disappointing thing.”
Those are the same things. You are what you do.
If you don’t want to be X, than don’t do X.
Correlation is not causation
we’re talking about people dude. we are not talking about scientific principles.
people claim want to be healthy and then engage in unhealthy behaviors. they are unhealthy. what they do is what defines them, not what they desire to be.
Yes we are talking about people. People can be held accountable for their actions and people can change their ways if they make mistakes. You’re saying that people cannot change. If they bought a tesla, they’re nazis, so fuck them.
I’m not saying any of that. But please keep telling me more about myself. Clearly you know everything…
That’s the point though. I’m not telling you anything about yourself. I’m telling you about what you’re saying. I’m not assuming anything about who you are or aren’t.
No, you are misrepresenting what I’m saying to make it look extreme and stupid. It’s called straw-manning.
You can choose and change what you do.
You can’t choose or change what you are.
If you get confused about do / be just refer back to those rules and you’ll know which one applies.
No, unless they became a pedophile, serial killer, rapist or something extreme like that
Being a pedophile isn’t a choice, it’s a psychological dysfunction. Acting on that impulse is a crime and something to be punished - or treated in a medical facility.
Thank you for saying that. I have worked with MAPs (minor attracted people), and majority of them do not want to offend, and understand they can never act on their desires. They were actively seeking treatment and felt suicidal because of their attraction.
Also I learned that about half (?) of sexual acts on minors aren’t even done by people with pedophilia but because the victims seemed to be vulnerable - so less likely to fight back or tell someone.
I am not sure about the actual numbers, but what you describe absolutely happens, more often than people realize. These fucks go after vulnerable people.
I dont care. If my hypothetical son that will never be born turns into a pedophile and has sex with children, then i will call them a dissapointment.
wouldnt that be the fault of the parent for not monitoring the upbring of thier children.
probably i dunno, i hate kids
No. “Being a disappointing,” yes. “A disappointment,” no.
The difference is one is a fixable behaviour, and the other is an identity.
It’s extremely hard to imagine but yeah there are lines.
If they were a triple Trumper, yes.
But in all seriousness, you’re a disappointment sounds like a line from a movie, real life doesn’t really do dialog like that.
real life doesn’t really do dialog like that.
It with great sadness that I report to you, that real life does, in fact, dialog in this exact fashion at times.
Bruh I’m an Asian son and I’ve been on the receiving end of these words 💀
Edit: To answer the question. No wtf I’m never gonna say these type of things to my children (if I ever have children)
Yeah, if he came home sporting a maga hat or a Charlie Kirk t-shirt or something.
I’m raising my kid to be smart and to care about others. So really I’d be disappointed in myself for not being a better teacher.No.
I might, if what they did were severe enough, express that what they did is disappointing. But that’s different from branding them with the iron of disappointment-as-identity. Everyone does stuff sometimes that is worse than they aspire to be. The trick is coming back from it, learning and growing and changing.
I remember how it felt the day I asked my mom, after she had screamed at me and hit me a bunch for stuff she made up about me, “what did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?”, and she screamed back “YOU WERE BORN!” And I believed she meant it, because none of this was out of character.
I was 12.
No kid should ever feel the hopelessness and abandonment I felt in that moment.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Thanks. It wasn’t the worst thing she did, but it was particularly crystallizing.
I’ve done a lot of work on healing from it since. I’ve got a kid now, and it’s been healing to live every day in a way that shows that you totally can just love your kid and not have to treat them like that.
Totally. Break the cycle. Proud of you.
