I think as you get older, you realize that there’s no such thing as “normal” and so even if you grew up with trauma or just general dysfunction, you eventually realize that it shaped you more than it “held you back” if that makes sense.

And then you kind of learn where you have certain tendencies, how to catch things and not let them run your life, etc.

As an example, highly empathetic people tend to come from high trauma families…kids who have to watch their parents closely to know when to avoid them, or avoid doing certain things around them… they just get really good at tuning in to other people’s radios. That’s a huge boon for working in helping professions like support work, nursing, service, etc.

Totally just anecdotal based on my life and what I’ve learned, but I do feel like every year that passes I’m able to identify not just what held me back but what kind of benefits I gained from the trauma.

Hope that helps in some way!

I don’t think anyone has a perfect childhood. Anyway, mine’s was pretty bad in my opinion (my mom was an alcoholic, aggressive type, and my dad was addict to casinos and shit).

I think that when I was growing I knew something was bad, like, I had to help my mom to walk, or we had a lot of money and then nothing. They even did coke and shit “hiding” from me but… You know, kids are not stupid. When it got really bad, I knew I would never be “normal”, I had anxiety and panic attacks every day, I couldn’t attend school and I tried to stop my life.

Now I live w my girlfriend, and I noticed some patterns, I know I have to be far away from drugs (I tried them, tho) because I just feel I’m proned to be addicted really fast. I noticed myself sometimes thinking into just deal my problems w alcohol, even if I remind myself that’s not the way. I always feel like I have to earn love by doing something (chores, giving money, anything)…

So yeah, I think is going to be like this forever, but you can manage it, I went to therapy, and I have my ways to deal with it… So if everyone is a bad moment rn, don’t worry, you can do this, I’m sure, even if you aren’t.

There was no abuse or violence or aggression or anything like that, so I guess I got off lightly compared to some other commenters.

But there was also little to no displays of love or affection. We kind of just cohabited. I don’t remember my parents ever telling me they loved me. I don’t remember either of them ever hugging me.

That’s left me as something of an emotional cripple. More than one of my exes has used that exact term to describe me: ‘emotional cripple’.

But now I have a wife (who saw enough of my family to understand what made me the way I am) who’s powered through all of that. And kids. Kids who I show my love to (not like that you filthy minded perverts). I tell them I love them and hug them and will probably fuck them up a whole different way.

To this day, after 30 years, I shy away from relationships. As you did, I grew up with parents fighting, accusations of cheating, tension in the air, picking up the pieces and comforting a parent as a child. I found that I prefer to be alone, not to talk too much, and generally fade into the background. Relationships, especially romantic ones, scare me as I don’t know if I’ll run into the same problem my parents did so I never searched for a romantic one. I don’t know if I’ll be the one making the accusations. I generally think I’m chill and trusting, but I’m scared that the cycle will continue with me and my mind will go to stupid places and I’ll create a relationship not built on trust and love, but suspicion, deciept, and lies. So, now I make a conscious effort to not allow those thoughts to enter. I build every relationship I have, only friendships, on mutual respect for one another and caring for each other. I don’t want to be the accuser in a relationship and repeat the cycle, so I try to be the best friend I can be.

Did you notice the effects on yourself right away, or did it take years to even recognize the pattern?

Both. A lot of knowing something was really fucked up, eventuslly deciding it wasn’t because i was conditioned to it, and then re-realising later down the line. That said i had more subtle and less severe forms of abuse than most people, and i wouldn’t usually even speak about my childhood experiences as being ‘abusive.’ But i think any decent shrink would agree they were and be able to pick up in whst ways they were.

Does it ever fully go away, or does it just become something you manage better over time?

In some cases it will go right away when you manage to cut off your family for good. I guess i would advise that you see severing a connection with them as being spiritually akin to actually cutting that pain out of your life and your memory.

If you suffered something like sexual abuse then no, it’ll be harder to forget about. For me though, one thing i was subject to was verbal abuse and conditioning and i am at least confident enough in my own intelligence to not actually take that verbal abuse to heart.

You know what though? Whenever it happens with someone else, like a friend a romantic partner or a complete stranger, it’s all the more worse. Because of what i’ve already experienced. I got harassed and stalked in university and i couldn’t stop saying to myself “i hope they fucking die” et cetera. I’ve not had that before, but as a teenager i did have sleepless nights because i was so angry at the bullying and manipulative people i was surrounded by in society.

I think we get stronger and weaker from day to day in so manyways we don’t notice. Thinking about it now, i’m so past some of the symptoms of mental torment i used to have and i haven’t thought about the triggers in months. Psychologists/psychiatrists say that actuslly thinking and feeling through your trauma is what heals you and allows you to move on so i guess that’s it.

Well I’m funny.

I think it stuck with me. We were always moving, I’ve had 2 step fathers, both were absolute shitbags. I never had a name in the house with the last stepfather, it was always jerk off, moron, idiot, etc but then always “God I’m only kidding” when confronted. Now I have literally 0 self esteem, I joke that Hitler has more redeeming qualities than I do.

As far as the always moving goes, even after leaving the house at 17, I’ve never known stability. Because of my lack of self esteem and general stupidity I ended up being uneducated working shit jobs, and am now a worthless factory schmuck in yet another precarious living situation.

As for the wondering what a happy normal life looked like, I had my mirror image to grow up with. My friend from highschool had the exact opposite life as me, happy family that gave him job opportunities, let him live rent free after highschool so he could go to college, and now he works for Intel and literally sent me a message the other day worried about how he should invest since his company issued stock grew so much he became a millionaire overnight. I’m happy for him, but it’s a real kick in the teeth to see how our lives are so different constantly. He has a house and a family and wants more property, I’m living in a garage and my retirement plan is to eat a shotgun shell deep in the woods somewhere.

Dad beat the every loving fuck out of me for the simplest mistakes, refused to ever explain how or what I did wrong, just straight to hitting me. Then he left, so Mom had to take care of 4 kids on her own, so she was never home, too busy working to provide.

Dad came back at times, but he was always a horrid piece of shit to me until I was maybe a teen.

I cut him off this year, and started therapy (I’m 35 now). Turns out my sister and I were also sexually abused by him, she and I corroborated some memories that I always thought were bad dreams.

I’m healing, and getting past it, but in a lot of ways I feel like I’m starting from behind in life, never having had structure or order or someone to look up to till much later in life. But therapy is helping and little me is healing now. It’s a journey and I’m glad I’m taking it, and I’m glad to not be that horrid man to my children (though I definitely was too rough to begin with, having no idea what to do and only having my childhood to have learned from). I’m the calmest I’ve ever been. Find a good therapist and start healing. Talk through it with someone, it really does wonders to say all the shit you want and tell the names and things at an empty chair.

Next time I see the sperm donor will be at his funeral, to make sure he’s actually dead and gone. I think that’ll be really cathartic.

Whatever happened in the past will remain as memories. Though I has moulded me into the person today.

The physical place, I inherited mine, so I changed the layout to suit me.

Now it’s my fortress of solitude, to escape from this crazy world.

Similar situation with a dad that suddenly started working hard for his kids later.

They know they are getting old and they know we will be taking full care of them soon, hence the sudden compassion.

He still gets very irritable on smallest “mistakes” but holds back physical stuff in my case.