Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?’

From Futurama when they’re getting dragged down to Atlantis and the professor is like “That’s over 1000 atmospheres of pressure!” and Fry asks him how many atmospheres the ships hull can withstand. “Well, it’s a spaceship, so anywhere between zero and one.”

What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

What’s big, flat, and green and if it falls from a tree on you it will kill you?

This one has been my favorite since I was single digits years old.

A man visits the doctor: “Every morning at 6 o’clock sharp, I take a huge shit.”
“Oh, well, that’s good - it means you have regular bowel movements.”
“Sure… but I never wake up before 7.”

Another one:
A man visits the doctor: “Can I take a bath with diarrhea?”
“Of course - if you can fill an entire tub…”

I couldn’t figure out why the basketball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

“-IGHT NOW!”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

“TIME TRAVEL!”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

“R-”

Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.

Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?

Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.

A gunshot is heard.

Hunter: Ok, now what?

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, “oh look, deer tracks.” The second blonde says, “no, those are moose tracks.” The third blonde says, “you’re both wrong, those are bear tracks!” Then they were hit by a train.

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Why do Swedes put barcodes on all their ships?

So when they arrive back they can scan da navy in

I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“ … ”