Please read further. I can’t be bothered to quote them all but (almost?) none of what follows after the actually seems genuine. Here’s the full Texas one for example:

Actually, Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I’m from Texas. I once witnessed a guy who took a lady cyclist right of way, nothing much you may say, but I got my gun out and shot a hole in the car’s motor the size of a bowling ball. An eye for an eye, thought him a lesson I tell you. Alas, this altercation was witnessed by the police, and I was arrested for aggravated assault. Seems the female cyclist didn’t have the right of way after all. I write these lines from prison, but I would still vote for Trump in the next election.