A Gallilean philosopher and ex-slave was teaching a class on Paul, known Christian.
“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Jesus Christ and accept that he is the greatest deity ever, even greater than Jupiter Optimus Maximus!”
At this moment, a brave, patriotic, Centurion who had served 30 years duty and worshiped the Emperors every day stood up.
“Who is the son of god?”
The arrogant philosopher smirked and smugly replied “Jesus Christ, you stupid pagan”
“Wrong. It’s Augustus Caesar. If it was Jesus Christ, as you say… then why did he die pathetically on the cross instead of creating an IMPERIVM SINE FINE?”
The philosopher was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of the Gospel of Luke. He stormed out of the room crying those crocodile tears. The same tears Christians cry for the conquered Gauls and Britons (who today live in such luxury that most even visit baths every week) when they jealously try to claw justly earned riches from the deserving legionaries. There is no doubt that at this point the “learned” Christian wished he had joined the auxilia and become more than a cultist preacher of barbarian superstitions. He wished so much that he had a gladius to disembowel himself with due to the shame, but he had none for he himself had always preached unconditional pacifism!
The students applauded and all joined the legions that day and accepted the Emperor as their lord and savior. An eagle flew into the room and perched atop the SPQR symbol and shed a tear on the chalk. The 12 tables were read several times, and the Emperor himself showed up and sentenced all Christians to die in the Flavian Amphitheatre.
The philosopher lost his tenure and was sent to the lions the next day. He died with a thunderous applause and was tossed into Tartarus for all eternity.
Which brings up a question I’ve yet to have a Christian answer properly for me- Why did Jesus live and die in a backwater rather than bring his world-saving gospel to Rome?
I mean even ignoring the fact that Jesus never got around to telling the indigenous people in places like Australia that he existed and humans had to do it, going to Rome seems like it would have been the best place to spread the message at the time.
I learned long ago that there is no point in a response to such Christians because they want you to respond.
And I should add that there are plenty of Christians who are absolutely not like this. Even evangelicals. My wife’s evangelical family has never been anything but completely welcoming of me. No one has so much as tried to convert me, let alone said anything antisemitic.
It walks a very fine line that appeals to both Christians and non-Christians. It’s more about the drama and struggle around Jesus, without ever directly addressing his divinity or lack thereof. Judas has all the banger songs, though. He’s the protagonist, really.
On behalf of those of us who found Jesus to be a lackluster prophet, thank you. /s
My pleasure. You’re also welcome for all those Hollywood movies I’m apparently responsible for.
S P A C E
L A S E R S
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAZhtT-dUyo
A Gallilean philosopher and ex-slave was teaching a class on Paul, known Christian.
“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Jesus Christ and accept that he is the greatest deity ever, even greater than Jupiter Optimus Maximus!”
At this moment, a brave, patriotic, Centurion who had served 30 years duty and worshiped the Emperors every day stood up.
“Who is the son of god?”
The arrogant philosopher smirked and smugly replied “Jesus Christ, you stupid pagan”
“Wrong. It’s Augustus Caesar. If it was Jesus Christ, as you say… then why did he die pathetically on the cross instead of creating an IMPERIVM SINE FINE?”
The philosopher was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of the Gospel of Luke. He stormed out of the room crying those crocodile tears. The same tears Christians cry for the conquered Gauls and Britons (who today live in such luxury that most even visit baths every week) when they jealously try to claw justly earned riches from the deserving legionaries. There is no doubt that at this point the “learned” Christian wished he had joined the auxilia and become more than a cultist preacher of barbarian superstitions. He wished so much that he had a gladius to disembowel himself with due to the shame, but he had none for he himself had always preached unconditional pacifism!
The students applauded and all joined the legions that day and accepted the Emperor as their lord and savior. An eagle flew into the room and perched atop the SPQR symbol and shed a tear on the chalk. The 12 tables were read several times, and the Emperor himself showed up and sentenced all Christians to die in the Flavian Amphitheatre.
The philosopher lost his tenure and was sent to the lions the next day. He died with a thunderous applause and was tossed into Tartarus for all eternity.
Ave, true to Caesar
[copypasta not mine]
Which brings up a question I’ve yet to have a Christian answer properly for me- Why did Jesus live and die in a backwater rather than bring his world-saving gospel to Rome?
I mean even ignoring the fact that Jesus never got around to telling the indigenous people in places like Australia that he existed and humans had to do it, going to Rome seems like it would have been the best place to spread the message at the time.
While atheist myself, there’s a fairly obvious reply.
God had a plan, and look where the religion is now, so that plan obviously worked.
I learned long ago that there is no point in a response to such Christians because they want you to respond.
And I should add that there are plenty of Christians who are absolutely not like this. Even evangelicals. My wife’s evangelical family has never been anything but completely welcoming of me. No one has so much as tried to convert me, let alone said anything antisemitic.
Not according to the book of Mormon.
I don’t think the Book of Mormon says that Jesus went to Australia, just the Americas.
Oh really? Well, I’m sure they’ll get around to baptizing them all posthumously if they haven’t already.
Probably. After all, they baptized Ann Frank.
Every time I look at you I don’t understand…
Nice. I’ve never heard any of the music from Jesus Christ Superstar. I like it. I’ll have to listen to the rest now.
It’s unironically one of my favorite musicals. It’s surprisingly not very religious, considering its subject matter.
It certainly sounds critical based on that song. Randy Newman did a version of Faust which was similarly critical of God. I quite liked it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgcsMphORJo
It walks a very fine line that appeals to both Christians and non-Christians. It’s more about the drama and struggle around Jesus, without ever directly addressing his divinity or lack thereof. Judas has all the banger songs, though. He’s the protagonist, really.
Honestly, I wasn’t even concerned about the plot. If it has a good plot, that’s also good. I just liked the song and wanted to hear more.
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They provided a dramatic climax at the crucifixion.