I have a friend who all of a sudden was broken up with by their decade-long partner. Never saw it coming, never got full closure. Point is you can’t look into someone’s head and you might never get a definitive answer as to “why” and “how” and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on.

Sounds harsh now, but things end and this too shall pass eventually. Stay strong.

Apologies for the direct question, but how old are you?

In a couple months you’ll find someone or something new and exciting, and laugh at how this felt like the end of the world. Just make sure you don’t wallow in a pit of depression. Go out into the world. Do your hobbies. Find new hobbies.

Also, consider using more line breaks for readability.

I’m afraid you can’t really just stop it immediately. It will get better with time though. In the meantime healthy distractions are probably your best shot. When I was in similar situation to yours I started spending pretty much any free time I had on two things: running and learning guitar. Half of the time I was doing it with tears in my eyes but it was still better than just getting lost in depressing thoughts. It took me like 3 months until the breakup wasn’t dominating my thoughts everyday. It was hard AF but in this time I actually learned something, improved and rediscovered myself. Sport and music have become major parts of my life. Now, years later, I’m actually thankful for this breakup. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it didn’t happen and I definitely prefer current myself to the past myself.

You just need to plow through the hard times. It WILL get better! I wish you all the best.

Ayy so I got a game in 20 sec and can’t read all that but I promise you, you will heal with time. You will move on. But do something productive in the meantime. Become a better person - hit the gym, study for your next job hop, go for a hike, start a new hobby and meet friends - by being better, you’ll have a chance to slowly get better.

I’ll read your post after but you need to preoccupy your mins with other things.

I don’t know the details of your break up, but when I went through my last serious relationship where he broke up with me over text, I just stopped talking to him. Yes, I cried a lot because I was so confused and destroyed because hd kept telling me that it wasn’t anything that I’d done (found out later he was cheating), but I knew I had to move on.

I turned my sadness in to anger and picked up running and exercise. Endorphins helped a lot, and so did the mindset of “I’m going to be better, and he’s going to regret it, but I’ll never take him back.” Probably not an entirely healthy way of deal with it, but it worked. Still cried every night, but it worked. I then found another sport and just fell in love with it, so I focused entirely on that. I’m still doing this sport today.

You may never get the closure that you’re satisfied with. This you will also have to accept. He may not even be telling you the truth.

Make sure you have some supportive people around you, and keep yourself distracted. This is #1. Best of luck. You’re stronger than you think.

It feels awful to have someone completely change what they want out of life from under you. Know that he’s probably been trending that way for a while, and it just took a while for him to bring it to words.

You’re going to get angry with him soon, but what you’re feeling right now is normal. You’re dealing with grief, and there’s stages. They’re going to take months-years to work through. That’s how this shit works.

There’s no substitute for time.

Take how long you were together and roughly 1/3rd of that is your recovery time before you’re going to have this as a distant, faded, annoying memory of a time before you were stronger and a more capable partner.

If you let yourself, you can use this as an opportunity to get stronger. I know it feels like the two of you were perfect for each other, and that you’ll never find someone as special as him again, in all the ways that matter to you; and you’re right, you won’t, because you’ll find someone that will be even more special and will really get you.

You just have to hang in there and give this some time to work through. Don’t go rushing into another relationship imo, I’ve done that and it feels great in the moment, but all it does is delay your healing from this relationship even more. It will make your next breakup even worse, and then you’re trapped in a cycle.

Take some time for yourself, give yourself a minimum of 6 months before you think about or start dating again. Nobody is emotionally ready for that out of the gate unless they’re sociopaths.

You’ll know when it’s time. It’ll feel right. I promise.

Until then, hang in there, and best of luck on the anger phase of this, that was a rough one for me and lasted longer than I care to admit before I learned to let it go.

I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people.

this may be part of your problem. Bottling things up like this is super destructive and it’s going to overflow. You can get these feelings out of you without necessarily directing them at people. Write a letter… Go for a walk and talk to yourself… find some healthy distraction to help you deal with the feelings.

That might help somewhat. But this kind of stuff can’t be avoided, it just gets easier with time unless it’s not dealt with.

Go volunteer to help someone else.

Nothing gets my mind off my problems like being useful.

Song written from a dude’s point of view, but I think it’s equally applicable:

Chris Smither - Winsome Smile:

https://youtu.be/CuMpm6g5xIQ

"Stop thinking now
Quit second-guessing all your failed relations
With your would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, maybe might-have-been
I’ll show you how
Send your feelings out for lubrication
Lose these blues and screw your head on tight again
She cut you bad, your heart is just a scar
But if you could just get mad, you’d be better off by far
What you want is taken
What you need is better circulation
Work that heavy heart and get it light again

Listen to me now
You suffer from a sad mis-apprehension
That if she could read your mind she’d see just how it ought to be
But she’s read it all by now
And your style don’t get a grip on her attention
She ain’t in your state of mind and she don’t want to be
You think if she’d just talk, you could explain it all
She’d be polite, but all night she’s been hoping you won’t call
She’ll say it’s all her fault, she’ll always be your friend
Plus loads of shit too dumb to mention
I’ve been that road and it’s paved with good intentions

Well it’s hard to believe
But I’m telling you your heart would soon recover
But you don’t want it to, you love this aching agony
'Cause it’s noble, and it’s true
You won’t forsake this pain for other lovers
Happiness would fill your mind with misery
Time will wound all heels, and it ain’t pretty
With any luck at all, she’ll find some dope that you can pity
Your loss is measured in illusions
And your gain is all in bittersweet intelligence
And your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence
Your winsome smile
Your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence"

Fresh wounds always hurt the worst. This sounds like it just happened. You are obviously going to need time to emotionally move on from a failed relationship.

My advice is to distract your brain from the event in the short term. Play with your pets, go see a movie, hang out with your friends, eat some ice cream, focus on your creative hobbies. When this sort of thing happened to me when I was younger, I would flip it around and use my newfound single status as a positive - I can enjoy the foods and activities that I knew my ex-partner didn’t like, I didn’t have to plan my schedule around making time to see them and include them in stuff, and I just generally enjoyed the liberating feeling of being single, even though it still hurt to lose someone so close that I had been so attached to. By the time I started to feel like the feeling of being single was losing it’s appeal, I was emotionally ready to move on and meet new people.

In short, just give it more time. Distract your brain. In time, this too will pass.

It’s going to suck. There’s no getting away from the fact it’s going to suck. You are going to have a lot of pain ahead, and so is he. You’re going to see people who know you both, and need to choose between which of you they’re seeing, you’ll drift away from some people who he was closer to, and he’ll drift away from people you were closer to. Eventually you’ll date someone else and he will too. You’ll have photos, trinkets and many other things that are bound to him as memories. You likely will never get closure, and just have to let the pain fade.

When I reflect on memories, I often feel that the good ones change how they feel to think about after six weeks; they start to feel that they happened to someone else, a very long time ago. Maybe this is how memories feel when they change from short term to long term, I have no idea. The bad memories take longer, it’s different for each one. You are in mourning, in a manner of speaking, and that’s okay to acknowledge. Give yourself a time to mourn, to leave those items up that make you think of him. Get rid of the photos now, put the digital ones in a folder to be forgotten, change your lock screen, if it’s him, to something you love, a friend, pet, parent etc. Let yourself otherwise have a mourning period and let yourself feel the emotions. Set a date, perhaps a month from today, or a month from the breakup. On this day, clear away those little trinkets you bought together. If they’re valuable or you’ll miss them for another reason, don’t bin them. Don’t go overboard, just because that dress was his favourite, or he bought your favourite book or whatever doesn’t make it his, it’s yours. But some things will only bring pain to dwell on.

A poet, Richard Silken once said “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” You are going through something that is nearly a universal pain that every adult faces. Mourning, without closure, about someone who is still out there, who you may see at parties, in the street or with your shared friends. This is a pain we all have experienced, that colours so much of our happy memories with pain and despair. There are people I wish I could hold when they cry who I’ll never speak to again, and there’s people I wish could hold me who I’ll never see too. They may hate me more than the last time I saw them or have forgiven me and wish things went differently, but they definitely have not forgotten me, as I haven’t them.

These memories need to fade into that back part of your mind, and that takes time, and every memory that reignites that pain, perhaps the better word is trauma, will delay it. But eventually those memories together will feel like they’re not wrapped in the same emotion, but the memory of emotion. Until that point comes, it’s okay to let the feelings in, to mourn.

I hope you read every comment, even the worse ones about finding someone else quickly, to rebound. That is a tool to move these memories into a more distant part of your mind faster, but you won’t get to process them. You may never get closure but you’ll get even less if you don’t let the emotions in. Turn to positive distractions, do exciting things, do things with friends and family. Reach out to those friends you’ve seen less because you made so much time for him, they will be happy to have you back. Don’t mask the pain with drugs, weed or alcohol; nothing good comes of that. I had to avoid drinking when I had similar experiences. Seek process therapy, it’s not always too cheap, but this is a terrible pain that deserves professional check in, being young doesn’t make it easier, and most of us can empathize with the pain, and know not much is worse. Let yourself spiral today, this week, this month, but don’t make decisions that close you off from the world. Don’t stop seeing friends and family, do more activities, take up a hobby like the gym that you didn’t find time for when your hobby was time with him. Make your guiding light who you want to be next month, next year. You don’t have to be them now.

In a few months, this pain will be sadness, and nothing more. Let it in now but prepare for that day. Forgive yourself, you’re going to be okay.

hate to post a fb link, couldn’t for the life of me get it to work otherwise

time will heal.

one day you will remember the good times instead of the bad.

that day will come.

meanwhile, best of luck

I know it’s easy to say but time will help, hope you feel better soon

Planning your days might help? My thoughts here is simply that structure and routine may provide something to focus on, that might help you “push through” the negative thoughts. And if you have any support network, please reach out! I’m sure you’ll struggle with feeling guilty burdening your friends, but times like this are when you do need that support.

It wasn’t you! It was all him. I promise.

These kinds of things are not cut and dry, and shrinks are honestly still trying to figure out better ways to cope with grief all the time. Some folks choose to start a new relationship to get over a breakup, others like to just get all the emotion out in one go. It sounds like you’re dealing with invasive thoughts, and I’ve always found keeping myself occupied with things helps me tune them out.

You want to keep your mind off it. It’s an emotional wound, and the more you pick at it the more it’ll linger. You can come back to this when it hurts less and the situation is more distant, but focusing on yourself for now can do great things.

Exercise, Friends, Comfort. All these help you stay feeling human, and you should make sure to have these three things squared away, since they can help steady you.

Hobbies are great for occupying yourself. You focus on the project and try to just think through it. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy either. 100% a game, make a goal out of folding a certain amount of origami crafts, make a scrap book, learn a language, doodle, etc - it doesn’t really matter what it is so long as you have something to occupy you for a longer length of time.

Changes in setting can be good, too - but the right kind of routine can also help. It really depends on your preference.

And go easy on yourself. You’ll still have episodes for some time, and that’s OK.