I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that “gay” men (men who didn’t conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the “conform or fucking die” model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can’t meet anyone because I’m frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can’t function this way. I’m not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can’t be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I’m too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we’re talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it’s not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I identify as somewhat effeminate compared to most other men. I’m not gay or bi, I just don’t like most “macho” culture stuff like sports, fighting, hunting and generally being belligerent evolutionary dead-ends in groups.
I have a wife and son. Sometimes I carry her purse for her in public. Sometimes she’ll paint one of my nails for fun and I let her. Because it is.
It took me a long time to come to grips with myself and to accept myself that particular way, but I’d say I’m doing just a little bit better with that every day.
But it does put your social life in “hard mode” imho. It would be so much easier if I could be as enthousiastic about a piece of pigskin being kicked a certain distance but unfortunately I’m not easily impressed by feats our tree-slinging ancestors would easily destroy all of us in if push came to shove.
My partner is very much in your boat. At home and any time we go out to “safe” spaces (like queer spaces) he is very open and absolutely enjoys himself. We got pedicures the other day and he had sparkly blue toenails for like a week and loved it.
Unfortunately, he works in the auto industry and we live in a more conservative area, so whenever we’re not in a “safe” space, I can 100% see him reverting to a more “hardened” version of himself. I know it’s just self-preservation, but I can see (and he knows) how much happier he is when he doesn’t have to be that way. It really sucks and I wish I could help him out of his shell a bit more, but I totally understand the shitty circumstances.
The patriarchy hurts every single one of us.