I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that “gay” men (men who didn’t conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the “conform or fucking die” model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can’t meet anyone because I’m frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can’t function this way. I’m not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can’t be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I’m too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we’re talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it’s not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else. You’re an adult now in an adult world where everyone else has their own stuff going on. Can you remember the personality of the 2nd to last random person that held a door open for you?
Our insignificance gives you permission to be who you want to be and the freedom to do whatever you want. No one thinks more about you than you do. Your experience with your family left a strong impression on you about the world you’re in, but that’s their experiences not yours. It’s now your time to have your own & build a worldview on your terms as you. No one has the authority to tell you to act a certain way. You are who you are & everyone else will have to just deal with it if they have a problem. It sounds like the only person attacking you right now is you.
Learn how to make small talk. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People and pick out the tricks you think would work.
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else.
True until you’re visibly disabled. People can’t handle being reminded life isn’t fair, and they take it out on you.
I know you said you can’t leave because of family and stuff, but you do need to be somewhere that will get you away from the abuse you are getting. Get an apartment in your town, that’s a good start. And travel to the closest city to you. Central Ohio? I was in Columbus recently and was really digging it out there. Take a day trip or two every so often. Get out of that atmosphere.
You kinda answered your own question in the OP… you got this OP. If you’re not going to kiss your parents’s asses for inheritance, then cut them out and move on; the faster you do that, the better it is for you.
Not trying to dismiss you here at all, but my genuine advice is to get some therapy and not take advice about serious stuff like this from strangers online.
I’m a somewhat feminine man myself, and man I hear where you’re coming from. And truth be told, you’ve managed to accept yourself the way you are earlier than I did. It took me a while to accept myself.
I also get the impression, though, that you have a traumatic response to the whole situation due to your upbringing. And it seems to me that that is something that you’ve accepted on the surface, but deep down, you’re still fighting with it. Which, by the way, is OK and normal. This shit takes time and work. If you have access in any way to mental healthcare, use it. You need to work through what you’ve experienced and learn how to deal with it better.
And I’m not sure I quite understood the situation completely - but if you’re still living with your parents, pull out all the stops to move out. As soon as possible. Otherwise, it will only keep dragging you down. As you’ve alluded to, despite all the shit happening today, there’s still a brighter world out there than what you’re experiencing with your family. It will be worth it, I promise.
I’m also in central Ohio.
You need to get out into public. Start small, just little steps. Go someplace that attracts a diverse crowd, buy a coffee and leave. One Line would be perfect. Dip a toe, try more later.
Get the same coffee and then take it to goodale park. Watch the chaos of unleashed dogs and note that nearly nobody is looking at you.
You will come to realize that leaning into that fear is paralyzing. Most people don’t pay mind to others unless you give them a reason to. If you want to just blend in, it is wildly easy.
If you need a sherpa for your early expeditions, let me know. I’m a jobless bum right now and have time on my hands.
I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional
I believe that this is the better way of being a man.
They who told you that this were a bad thing, they were wrong. Very wrong. And their concept of patriarchal men is not just outdated, but bad, really bad, bordering at criminal.
I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me
Or maybe a majority.
Definitely agree with this. I’m a very “soft” man, I don’t yell, anger is very rare for me, I care deeply for others, all that jazz. My wife loves that about me and it’s a big reason she agreed to marry me. Imo a woman (or man or enby) who sees softness as a plus, that’s a massive green flag.
Or maybe a majority.
100%. People (not just women) are attracted to confidence. A cute, caring, and confident man who doesn’t give a fuck about toxic masculinity definitely checks off a lot of boxes as an absolute stud. Modern day women with any sort of self respect are done with patriarchal bullshit.
Hey, it’s me, the you that grew up in Kansas!
I’m 32 this year and I can tell you first hand that it’s not as bad as it looks. I’m so comically flamboyant and feminine that the trans girls at the high school I worked at were coming to me for hair care and outfit advice, never once have I been threatened by some ass backwards bigot. I even spent my mid 20’s hitting on them whenever they creeped on my gal pals.
Despite teeth like a meth house, ears I can glide with, and the worst case of psoriasis one dermatologist ever saw, my guy friends were always baffled by how my geek ass could land some of the women I dated. The answer is that intense heterosexual love you feel. Every partner I’ve ever had has been genuinely wholly the focus of my affections and they feel that.
Now I’m married to a fem presenting Non binary who’s not sure if she can call herself ace anymore now that she enjoys sex. I don’t care what she calls herself, she’s my person and I wake up next to her and grin like a loon.
Sorry for the life story, but my point is that guys like us can make it out there. It can be rocky, especially when it comes to unpacking the damage, but you can thrive. Get your ass to that city, reach out to friends and make some new ones along the way. Don’t let anyone tell you not to be you.
Hit me up in the DMS, I’d be happy to add you on Discord. You sound fantastic
You and your partner sound awesome. Just wanted to say though that enjoying sex has absolutely nothing to do with being ace. There’s lots of us that like it and many others who feel neutral or repulsed by it. You can enjoy the cake without craving any specific cake, and that’s just as valid as the person who doesn’t crave the cake and don’t want to eat it.
That’s exactly how we’ve been playing it. I’m not one to pick at peoples titles, all I care is she’s happy.
I’ve always got on better with women than men. Always found more enjoyment in typically female pastimes. Decided not to show my power level. Never been happy with myself or my life as a result. I never enjoyed being something I’m not and all the friendships I made were based on a lie. Now at almost twice your age I figured out that maybe I was exposed to a wee bit much estrogen in utero. And that the reason I was infinitely more comfortable in the presence of women is because (at least mentally) I am one.
People always misunderstand gender as something that is either solely biological sex or solely a societal construct. There are actually a ton of weird endocrine, genetic, epigenetic, and environmental factors that contribute to the baseline state of the brain. All things considered it makes perfect sense that gender would be a spectrum of states with clusters around male and female. You should read a bit about it. Even if you aren’t some sort of atypical gender it’d still be interesting. And you might find that the LGBTQ community is more accepting of your unique brand of masculinity. Even before my revelation most of my friends were some flavour of queer, just because they’re largely nice people.
Also I grew up rurally (I’m pretty sure more rural than 99.9% of people here) and the people back home are largely fine with queer folk if they know them personally. Like a family member came out as bisexual and didn’t loose any friends over it. And it’s a really small place so if one person knows, everyone knows. I’m not going to assume it’s like that everywhere though. One key difference is that my particular rural community is approx 70% atheist.
But yeah make gay friends and look into the whole gender thing. It’s perfectly normal to question these things.
Decided not to show my power level.
Are you a Z fighter ?
Kinda. But instead of a kamehameha, I just sleep with my opponents mother.
I want you to know that there are probably more of us women than you think, who find feminine straight men to be incredibly attractive and sexy. We are out there and we see you, even though you might not see us. We’re still a small minority, but we are everywhere.
Society by and large doesn’t accept feminine straight men as being valid or real, and the amount of shaming is heartbreaking, but if you can find people who accept you and become part of that community, you can gain the confidence and strength to tell the rest of society to go fuck off while you live your best life.
I know you mean well and you aren’t contradicting OP, but this is very cold comfort.
If a woman came to me and said she was threatened and harassed by men to the point of being unable to leave the house and I told her “don’t worry, there’s a minority of men who won’t do that. You just need to pick better men” you would think I was a monster.
I identify as somewhat effeminate compared to most other men. I’m not gay or bi, I just don’t like most “macho” culture stuff like sports, fighting, hunting and generally being belligerent evolutionary dead-ends in groups.
I have a wife and son. Sometimes I carry her purse for her in public. Sometimes she’ll paint one of my nails for fun and I let her. Because it is.
It took me a long time to come to grips with myself and to accept myself that particular way, but I’d say I’m doing just a little bit better with that every day.
But it does put your social life in “hard mode” imho. It would be so much easier if I could be as enthousiastic about a piece of pigskin being kicked a certain distance but unfortunately I’m not easily impressed by feats our tree-slinging ancestors would easily destroy all of us in if push came to shove.
My partner is very much in your boat. At home and any time we go out to “safe” spaces (like queer spaces) he is very open and absolutely enjoys himself. We got pedicures the other day and he had sparkly blue toenails for like a week and loved it.
Unfortunately, he works in the auto industry and we live in a more conservative area, so whenever we’re not in a “safe” space, I can 100% see him reverting to a more “hardened” version of himself. I know it’s just self-preservation, but I can see (and he knows) how much happier he is when he doesn’t have to be that way. It really sucks and I wish I could help him out of his shell a bit more, but I totally understand the shitty circumstances.
The patriarchy hurts every single one of us.
Not a similar situation, but still possibly close enough. I am very hairy and lived in a country with virtually no body hair. The little that men had at my age (little younger than you), they would shave away in shame.
90% of people would find me disgusting, maybe 95%. I felt shunned and hideous. People called me monkey or gorilla and did little dances when I would walk by.
Then I found out that there were 5, maybe 10 percent that either didn’t mind or actively liked my body hair. It’s not a lot of people, but it’s enough to surround yourself with love and affection.
A lot of women love effeminate men, or “soft” men. Maybe a lot more don’t, and a lot are probably just afraid of liking something they are not supposed to like. But you’ll certainly find enough of the right kind for you to enjoy your life just the way you are.
Just make sure you don’t carry any of that bigoted hate you grew up with, with you. You and everyone you love deserve better.
Kpop Demon Hunters Spoiler Alert
Rumi, Mira, and Zoey are demon hunter popstars.
But Rumi is half demon and living with it with only Celine, the person that raised her, knowing.
A bunch of stuff happens
then it gets revealed to the world Rumi is half demon
Rumi goes to Celine saying how now everyone knows
celine says to cover up, say it was all an illusion, make things right again
Rumi: no. no more lies. this is what i am
rumi: why cant you look at me? why couldnt you love me?
celine: i do
rumi: all of me
rumi leaves and that’s the last celine is seen.
rumi goes to the final demon concert where teh demon king is about to eat everyones souls
demon king: you expect to fix the world? you cant even fix yourself.
rumi: i cant
demon king: and now everyone finally sees you for what you are
rumi: they do
and then rumi’s demon patterns start becoming beautiful and she starts singing
some lyrics from rumis song: i broke in to a million pieces and i cant go back. but now im seeing all the beauty in the broken glass.
some lyrics from rumi’s song: my voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
mira and zoey return to her and a verse is: but none of us is out here alone.
imo that’s what you need. you need a mira and zoey and to not be out there alone. you need people that really love you. all of you
and then the movie results in tons of crying and gets very blissful
and the key to maximizing her potential and truly being herself turns out to not have been to hide who she was, but to truly be herself.
I don’t have any advice for you, unfortunately. But I wanted to say that you’re brave for asking for help and putting this out in the open - this is not as easy as one might think. Just know that you are loved and that you matter.
Sending you lots of love and power. It’ll get better, I’m sure of it. 💜
I can’t say I related to your specific situation but the world you describe doesn’t look like the world I live in at all.
Definitely seek therapy and learn how to accept and love yourself. It reads like you have some self-loathing based off your upbringing that you are projecting onto others when it’s really not the reality
