I have a couple friends like this. Live with their moms, over 25, never had a job or anything. Only plays games. I feel so bad for them because they don’t think they are smart but they definitely are, they just dont spend their time wisely.
Im not judging. That life sounds great when youre young. But I dont want them to wake up at 35 and be even more depressed because they’ve never done anything in life.
It would be well and good if they were happy like this but they definitely aren’t. Im just not sure how someone like that could even integrate into society. I give them advice here and there and sometimes talk about jobs with them, but they are also self proclaimed “lazy” and never really branch out to try new things. I try to send them links to code camps and stuff like that i think they’ll enjoy, but they dont do it. I’ve offered to hang out with them when im their town (we’ve been friends for years and know each other very well so this isnt weird) but they cant drive either which makes ir hard.
I already know most replies wil be “ITS FINE TO HAVE A BORING LIFE LEAVE THEM ALONE AND STOP TRYING TO “SAVE” THEM” but a boring life is different than a healthy life, imo.
Edit: i knew there’d be a lot of misinterpretation and people self reflecting on their own lives as a result of this post. Regardless, I am glad for the discussion. Thank you to those of you who had constructive comments instead of outright attacks.
If you didn’t want help, and someone showed up and started doing stuff, saying, “Hey I’m helping,” I doubt most people would want that help. Tl;dr you can only help those that want help or those that are open to it.
I think the best thing you can do is be supportive, invite them out, and showcase the positive aspects of your life & the life you’d want them to have. It’s not showboating / gloating, but it’s including them & offering them what a wider life might look like. When they want to change, you can be present for them in that moment.
Trying to change people can be such a fool’s errand. I’ve tried to do it with a bunch of friends over the last decade. You can’t move people who don’t want to be moved. You can maybe inspire them for more.
The best you can do is help them in the endeavors they start. And also be positive.
This is good. I do try to do this in a non bragging way and hopefully they don’t take it that way. But stuff like, I went out to a park near me and there was some cool rocks to climb on, you should try it at a park by you etc. Or small projects im working on.
Would try to introduce them to more friends and broaden their social circle.
Tell their food providers if they don’t do something now, they’ll end up like my 70 year old parents. They just shelled out $16,000 for dental care because my brother who barely graduated high school, has never held a job, and never left the house, has no insurance of any kind. When they die, he’ll probably starve to death because I’m not stepping in to help that racist, misogynist, homophobic prick live.
I dont know the whole situation and it sounds like your trying. My closest parallel is, my friends that are kinda introverted.
I have one in my friend group, that thinks the perfect Friday night is air frying chicken and playing Command and Conquer.
Not that i hate that, but just like any good thing it gets tiresome.
So i sometimes spend time asking around for fun stuff to do on the cheap.
A week ago we drove roughly and hour to a OLD, OLD AS SHIT Drive in movie theater. It was $20 for 2 movies and for as many people as you could cram in a car.
It was honestly really fun, watching horror movies with my friends and just dicking around.
I was really introverted when i was younger and my friend is pretty introverted.
My best tip, is to invite somebody they enjoy hanging with something. Then offer them to join, and make it low stress and no schedule.
Thats how the best times with friends happen.
My friend really wasn’t thrilled about going to the movies, but because another friend was going. They wanted to go
We dont go out a whole lot because well shits expensive. But every time they get less introverted, because its not “oh im going somewhere with people i dont like talking to people” its more of “i may not like other people that are gonna be there but my friends are gonna be there”
Heard mentality helps introverts
That sounds great!
We are both introverts really, I just learned how to get out of my comfort zone more often. I dont think they’ve ever done that
I originally read this as “terminally ill” but my answer doesn’t actually change: unplug them.
nice one
Offering to hang out once in a while is nice. Without going into fancy considerations, it’s nice
Do be careful when suggesting specific activities, it can feel like you’re telling them what to be (and cause reactance). If you had parents doing it to you, you know the issue
I don’t think the “judging” part matters. They are likely to be unhappy at some point in the future, and if you happen to be proposing something different at that time, they might be more interested. This doesn’t need to be about judgement or respect, having a way into another life should always be desirable (as long as you’re not being an asshole)
note that I am basing this on how I believe I would feel if I was them, and do not have any experience as your “role” here
Dismantle capitalism so they are free to return to Real Life and stop ignoring reality.
Best answer
My honest question for you is what you think it means to be doing something meaningful?
Frankly, the world these days are filled with suits working jobs they either hate or you’re a dude working a job you like that pays you nothing. We’re not really in a place to help people with platitudes about “making a meaningful life” when there’s no meaning to be had.
But perhaps it’s the absurdist in me who feels this way. For the record, I have an OK programming job, and could probably make more money had I decided to not go into games fwiw.
Its more about improving their life than making life meaningful. I mean to most people, working a 40hr office job is preferable to being on the street.
Im one of the very lucky few that have an awesome job with great bosses and Co workers who are actually doing somewhat important work, or at least work we dont hate.
I think that’s really cool youre in game programming. It always seemed really interesting to me but id be more interested in the story writing and music aspect of games.
The road to hell is paved with good intention.
/thread
Well just ask what their plans are over the next year, if there’s anything new they wanted to try, even just like a pet project not even a job.
Lazy is a label people paint others or themselves with. It’s not an innate character trait, it can be gained or lost.
Little nudges and brainstorming are fine but I don’t think anyone wants someone else’s vision of their life pushed on to them. What’s more valuable is if you could support them with things they’ve expressed they want to do.
I have asked. They always say nothing.
Agree, theyre not really lazy. They just say they are a lot.
Agree. The problem is they dont want to do anything. Idk, I guess some people want nothing more than to game and that is fine, I just dont see it lasting late into life.
Yeah. It’s tough, probably the only other thing you could do is lead by example.
You can lead the horses to water but you can’t make them drink. Keep offering to hang out, maybe if you’re having a deep conversation ask if this is how they want the rest of their lives to go and if they have ever looked into mental health help (this absolutely may be them struggling to do things and not letting themselves think about that fact). But at the end of the day you can’t improve things for them, you can only offer whatever help you can offer, help if they ask for it, and provide a good alternative.
Also, encourage them to take regular walks. It’s a really good first step to stopping being a shut in. It involves changing scenery, exercise, and places you around other people. Biking or running would be a next step if they’re interested, they can serve as a hobby and cardio and biking can also be a form of transportation around town as well as providing an opportunity to get involved in social rides. Things like that drastically impact mental health
A bit of a tangent but I wonder if this is becoming more common these days. The “shut-in” phenomena, japanese call them hikikomori. News headlines say it is but i wonder how well they represent reality.
I think a lot of people felt personally triggered by this.
I’m in this picture and I don’t like it
Lol
Hey man there really is nothing wrong with doing this if youre happy and it fits your life. But it probably isn’t a long term living situation
Need to get them to do something fun away from home.
I have a couple friends like this. Live with their moms, over 25, never had a job or anything. Only plays games. I feel so bad for them because they don’t think they are smart but they definitely are, they just dont spend their time wisely.
If you hadn’t stated they were over 25 I would have assumed they were children. Because they sound like children. Someone has enabled this behaviour so that they can live like a child. So maybe taking these enabling factors away is what you can do to help. I don’t pretend that’s easy.
Yeah it is a parenting thing for sure. Im not at all one of those asshole “KICK EM OUT AT 18 AND WORK TILL YOU DIE LIKE I HAD TO NNNGGHHH KIDS THESE DAYS!” people, but there is a line to be drawn at some point.
Like, if their mom died, wtf would they do?
Absolutely. I am very fortunate to have very supportive parents, both financially and interpersonally, but they told me and my brother after school, in very clear terms, to learn a job that can pay the bills. For me, learning a trade, where you need to show up every morning, on-time, sober, wearing a clean t-shirt and smelling okay, probably saved me from becoming like your friends. Sadly, that ship has sailed for your friends. Now, pulling themselves out of their hole will be harder for them. I don’t really have good advice.
