Same, dude. Gave myself surface germaphobia during a plague that turns out doesn’t really transmit via surfaces. I’ve made lots of rituals over the years about the objects that I touch. Hand sanitizer everywhere, cell phone sanitizer, gloves, etc. Went a little too far for a while, now I’m also trying to crawl back into normalcy.

Biggest positive change I’ve made recently is this: if I’m not eating finger food, what the fuck does it matter if my hands are dirty? I’ve got my cell phone in my hand right now, I’m touching the TV remote, I’ve got a can of beer. Not freaking out. I’m gonna scrub my hands like a surgeon before I eat this bag of chips, but right now? Fine.

Still got some hangups about doorknobs and sink handles, but I’m miles better than I was a few years ago.

You’re describing OCD.

OCD is treatable, so I’d work towards getting a formal diagnosis and begin treatment.

My spouse has this exact same thing, the thing that worked for them is OCD therapy.

OCD therapy is a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, and occupational therapy (which despite the name is more just about strategies to use for practical things like going to the store, out to a cafe, etc)

It hasn’t been easy but they’ve been keeping at it and it’s really helped them in a way nothing else has.

There are very few problems so large that they can’t be solved, but that doesn’t mean the solutions aren’t big and scary themselves. It’s easy to say “go get therapy” but I know that the reality of doing so is difficult. I’ve seen it now first hand how hard it is, but it’s worth it.

The phone call to discuss whether or not they can help is free, NOCD

Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

Edit: I will probably be downvoted to hell for engaging with the fear. I refuse to treat any fear of disease as invalid, for personal and historical reasons. Feel free to downvote.

I have been wearing a P100, 3M 6000-series half-face respirator everywhere I go in public for the last 5 years (genuinely far more comfortable than any other mask I’ve ever worn). I have particularly compelling reasons why my doctor and I feel this is necessary. In my experience, it’s an effective measure, and I literally teach high school 8 hours a day with it on. It is simply normalised that Mr. Wolfram wears that mask. In my experience, the trick is this:

• if someone wants you somewhere badly enough to demand you go out of your comfort zone, then they want you there badly enough to be brought out of their own comfort zone by having Darth Vader show up. They want you there for you, and whatever it takes to make you feel safe is a worthwhile price to have you there.
• People who look at you weird are not people you want to be around. People who ask you why you are wearing it are worth a brief explanation, and the simple fact is, nobody really gives enough of a shit for it to matter.
• I have gotten very good at not inhaling when I don’t have my respirator up, so I’ll take it off momentarily to explain the situation to anyone who asks, and they are, 19 times out of 20, immediately understanding and we both go on with our days.
• You have to make your own threat model. For me, I’m to the point where I’ll downgrade to an N-95 in my therapist’s office (since we’re 1-on-1 and nobody else has been in that room for 15 minutes) and when I go to a triannual game night at a friend’s house, because i know they’re all vaccinated, and I trust them to tell me if they’re sick.
• Outside of some place like Japan, where societal pressure has led to an actual culture of hygiene, propriety, and basic consideration of others, you simply cannot assume that people give a flying fuck about their effects on the people around them. In a million ways, from cutting in line or on the highway, to playing music or a phone call on speaker on public transit, to the myriad externalities of the way they live, they inconvenience you and others around them. This is, unfortunately, normalised throughout most of the world, and bad hygiene surrounding infectious disease is just another part of that. Unlike playing music on a bus, however, poor infectious disease hygiene can lead to someone else’s death. You have to decide the precise level of risk and investment you’re willing to accept, and fuck anyone who disagrees with you. They can either deal with your non-negotiables or not. Set a clear fucking boundary. Rather than demanding that they act in accordance with your whims, judge by their past actions how they fit into your threat model and inform them of your new criteria by which you feel safe to engage with them and the world.

Note: a P100 filter literally filters out all particulates and organic vapours, so I also don’t have to deal with other people’s BO, the smell of a public restroom, nasty perfumes, cigarette smoke, or car exhaust. Each filter lasts me a couple weeks of near-constant use without any vapours or particulates getting through. It is the greatest peace of mind I have ever been granted in my life.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

So sorry. Please see a therapist if you can afford it, this sounds like a big deal.