Just toying with the idea here. I am thinking about proposing in the next year and I never expected I would be in this position.
My sister was just proposed to and dude must have spent like 10 grand on the ring. I think she feels like he spent too much. It looks like the friggin thing weighs her whole hand down.
Also do you think it is misogynist to ask the lady’s dad for permission?
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The concept of an expensive engagement ring is based on the realities of a different era, as is asking her dad for permission.
At a time when women couldn’t have bank accounts, their jewellery was their emergency savings. The engagement ring in particular was a way for a man to prove that he could financially provide for her, and for her to show to the world that she made a good financial match. This is why engagement rings have historically been very expensive status symbols.
Today, the engagement ring is about love, not status. So forget about what you “should” do and show her that you love her, by thinking about what she would appreciate most.
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I wouldn’t ask her dad unless she is very traditional and extremely close to her dad i.e. only do this if you believe that she would like that and that he will say yes (and yes, it is very patriarchal).
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What do you think she would value more - having you propose with a ring, or going shopping for a ring together? She will have to wear it, so making sure that she loves it is more important than the price.
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Stick to what you can realistically afford, bearing in mind that weddings and honeymoons are expensive too. Might she prefer a less expensive ring and a nicer honeymoon?
3a) Definitely don’t overspend on a natural diamond. The value of natural diamonds in typical engagement ring sizes (< 1 carat) have fallen dramatically in the last 10-15 years, you can see a fun chart here: https://www.pricescope.com/diamond-prices/diamond-prices-chart/ (Ask me how I know 🙃)
Above all, remember that this is meant to be a fun and exciting time for both of you, so forget about what others expect and focus on what would make you the happiest in the long term.
The concept of an expensive engagement ring is based on the realities of a different era, as is asking her dad for permission
So is marriage in general in most developed countries.
It’s romantic. Asking the dad for permission is performative but adds to the romance. If someone thinks spending big bucks on an engagement ring is romantic, then go for it. Getting married is an expensive affair anyway.
But yeah, don’t spend it on diamonds because they’re bullshit.
Getting married is effectively signing a communal property contract, which can still have significant legal and financial implications in the developed world. Not all developed countries have the same legal system.
Also, traditional is not the same as romantic. There is nothing romantic about asking the dad, she’s not property. Some traditions deserve to die.
Edit to add: also absolutely shell out on a ring if you want. Just be sure it’s actually what you want, not what you think you should do.
Getting married is effectively signing a communal property contract, which can still have significant legal and financial implications in the developed world.
Pretty sure all countries in the EU let you do just that without getting married. You literally aquire exactly the same legal status as a married couple, without actually getting married. Which makes marriage completely obsolete and only performative and romantic.
There is nothing romantic about asking the dad
That’s just your opinion. I think it actually is. Nobody is talking about property anymore. It’s just an expression of intentions these days and is mostly a bonding moment between the groom and her father. It’s actually kind of sweet and emotional.
I want to add an anecdote to this: my wife and I, before we got married, went to a gem panning place up in the mountains and found a Ruby, her birthstone. We found a jeweler who cuts raw gems and sets them into rings. We used that for her engagement ring, and it wasn’t more than $400.
Point is, to add to SorryImLate’s reply, you definitely don’t need something crazy expensive, especially if it’s unique or personal.
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My opinion as a pragmatist and a woman: an engagement shouldn’t be a surprise. The formality of the proposal itself can be a surprise, but just like a birthday party it should be something expected and at the very least loosely discussed with the person. Asking “what kind of proposals do you like?” and figuring out if they want something public or private, or in front of friends or something small is really important. What kind of engagement ring should go in this discussion. She might hate diamonds, she might love them, she might have a metal allergy, she might have a stone that means a lot to her, she might hate rings with stones at all because they catch on things. You don’t know until you ask, and by asking you’re showing her the respect and that you value her opinion.
My wife picked out a maybe $50 moissanite ring that everyone thinks is worth thousands
She also picked where she wanted me to propose to her
I believe this is the right answer if you want a flashy bling bling.
OP, look into moissanite it doesn’t come with the price tag and with the blood + slavery as the diamond.
Spend what you can afford. Diamonds aren’t that special, maybe consider a stone that means more to your partner.
I refused to ask my wife’s father for permission to marry her. She is not his property and tbh even if he had said no (he wouldn’t have) I would have asked her anyway.
Yeah my brother in law asked my dad and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He was already obviously a green light.
I took my wife to a facility that was all about collaborative ring picking. It was no secret that I was going to propose; both she and I have always felt that the circumstances of the proposal could be a surprise, but the fact of and answer to the proposal shouldn’t be.
I ended up proposing to her while she was carrying a pile of my underwear. It wasn’t on purpose - I didn’t even notice until she had said yes - but she described it as “very us.”
With regards to budget, she and I discussed a range beforehand. We came up with a number that was nice but realistic for what we could afford at the time.
With regards to asking permission, I didn’t feel it necessary. I did technically discuss it with her dad beforehand, but mostly for the ceremony of the thing. I doubt he even remembers the conversation. It can be a nice gesture to do so - most good dads would probably like it and many women would probably enjoy the gesture - but I don’t think it’s needed.
Find a local lapidary society. Members will sell you a cut stone that is unique. Get it set by a manufacturing jeweller. The lapidarist I found gifted me a 1.75 carat topaz that he had fossicked and cut. Then it cost me $375 AUD to have it set. Wife loves it and it’s a one of a kind.
I have been married for 20 years, after 9 years of being together. Engagement rings are not traditional where I live, but wedding rings are. We bought titanium rings for less than 100 euros each. No stones, just the metal. Titanium is way cooler than gold or platinum too. They make reconnaisance planes out of it!
Where are you from?
Sounds weird but I collect titanium objects. They are so good.
I have 500ml and 1000ml camping pots. A titanium frying pan. My favourite is my titanium bong. You can drive over it with a truck and it can be cleaned perfectly by throwing it into the coals of a campfire. I’ve broken so many glass bongs over the years and this one is indestructible and can be carried anywhere at just 100g.
Netherlands.
I have never seen titaniuw cookware. Is it any good in terms of frying? Do you season a titanium pan in the way you would with cast iron?
It’s not possible to season titanium. It is indestructible and soaks up nothing
No I wouldn’t say it’s very good for frying. I make pancakes on the trail in the pan with lots of olive oil (more than i would use at home, trying to get calories while long distance hiking)
I use the titanium pots for things like mac and cheese, beans and rice, instant potatoes, or even just tea/coffee
I have a jetboil nonstick pan that I still use more than the titanium honestly. I like to have pocket steaks on the first night of a hike
The main appeal to me with titanium is its weight and the fact that you can clean it by throwing it in the fire at the end of the night. In the morning you dump the ashes and it’s completely sanitized and clean.
I associated with a guy online that turned a makeshift ring on a lathe at work to give to his girl as a place-holder for when he could afford a real ring. She loved it so much she told him not to buy one.
He was kind of a perfectionist and it actually looked pretty good, but as I recall there were no precious metals involved.
So, bottom line…what kind of person is she? Price isn’t important.
Whatever you do DON’T spend a year’s salary on a ring. That’s just jewelry store marketing talking.
I’m French. No more than $500, anything higher would be crazy. I don’t understand this American thing to spend 10 years of salary on a ring, and my wife does not understand that either.
do you think it is misogynist to ask the lady’s dad for permission?
No, it’s cute. Do it!
I don’t understand this American thing to spend 10 years of salary on a ring
The rule of thumb was three months’ salary. But that was invented by the diamond industry.
Depends on your goals. Are you putting something flashy on your arm candy’s finger so you can show off how wealthy you are to your male competitors? Shell out. Are you trying to give her the chance to flash it around to show her female competitors she landed a whale? Shell out. Are you buying it as a symbol of your secure, mature love? Price doesn’t matter. You could put a rubber O-ring on there and the point is served, but something that demonstrates you really know her is great.
As for permission, fuck the dad. They’re not the one you’re marrying. They don’t get a say.
The way my eyebrows shot up when you said “As for permission, fuck the dad…” 😳
I got the wrong message from that sentence on the first read-through 😅
“Assert your dominance as the new paternal authority figure!”
Ask her mum, that’s what I did.
Spend what you can comfortably afford.
I’ll give a highly biased answer: fuck the whole, tired conventional consumerist diamond ring custom. Find something not necessarily expensive that would be symbolically meaningful to you both.
The more you spend on a wedding, the more likely it is the marriage will fail.
I spent $1,000 on my wife’s ring, we just had our 15th anniversary.
Spend what you can afford. Pay more attention to the style she likes than the cost.
If she says no because the ring wasn’t expensive enough, you dodged a bullet.
Depends on your income. I think it’s silly and usually in bad taste to pay 10k or more for a ring, but it’s hard to argue that a 10k ring is a big deal if you have a networth in the millions.
Definitely don’t buy a ring with a natural diamond, it’s a scam. There are prettier jewels that are cheaper, and aren’t drenched in blood as much.
