There are people like that. You hear about their new partners all the time and see them constantly looking for new partners. That’s not because poly is like that, but because these are the same people who would be serially monogamous if they wanted monogamy.
For me, monogamy just felt too restrictive. My wife and I both broke up with people who wanted monogamy not long before meeting and have always been poly. As a 22 year old I loved the idea of sex, but nearing 30 I love that I can have multiple happy and long term relationships. I love the fact that I could fall in love with someone new without risking losing my wife who I love dearly and cherish. And yeah I’ve been in two happy relationships for about 5 years now. And both my partners like each other and I like my girlfriend’s husband
I’m her girlfriend and her husband is quite happy with the situation. Just as she’s been when he’s had other partners. He actually set us up. The only reason he’s not seeing anyone else at the moment is that nobody else has really gotten his attention. Same reason my wife isn’t seeing anyone else at the moment. If my wife were to be interested in someone I’d encourage it, I love her and want her to pursue what her heart desires.
It’s annoying when monogamous people act like we’re all lying about experiencing compersion.
It’s annoying when monogamous people act like we’re all lying about experiencing compersion.
Man, do I feel this. Why is it so hard to believe that people can feel differently about things?
No, I’m not jealous and afraid my wife is going to leave me if she has sex with someone else. She isn’t when I do that, either.
We’ll eagerly discuss all the juicy details. She loves hearing about my adventures. She’s more shy, so I hear more about who she’d like to be with rather than actual adventures. We both giggle and discuss people we’d totally bang and there really actually isn’t an undercurrent of anxiety about it.
If I found someone that I started to fall in love with, isn’t that an awesome thing? Love is wonderful! And the sort of person that I could love would be someone that my wife would, at the very least, like. How does this not sound like a wonderful situation to people?
Monogamy doesn’t make sense to me, though I respect people’s right to feel the way they do. If they feel jealousy, that’s allowed. If they think it’s better to have jealousy, then I’m confused, but whatever.
It’s just weird that feeling differently gets such negative reactions and accusations of lying.
Exactly! Like, I get that some people are very bad at polyamory and are total wrecks about it. Those people weren’t good at monogamy either. It’s easy for casual acquaintances to miss that I’m poly because it’s not causing problems in my life. I have far more romantic problems from my wife’s clinical depression (that she’s had her whole life) and my girlfriend’s abundance of children (also not related to her polyamory) than I do from jealousy or anything like that.
Fuck I’m the boring old married lady even next to some monogamous friends of mine. We don’t do the whole juicy talk thing, but we do get happy at the other’s happiness.
I am extremely happy whenever my partners find someone who can help make them as happy as I try to. I want my partners to have the happiest possible life ever and it’s unfair to everyone involved to stop them from being able to get that happiness.
I think something a lot of monogamous people forget when talking about poly is that jealousy is a pretty natural thing to happen… Even in polyamorous relationships.
I’ve felt jealous before in my situation, the difference is that I talked with my partners and found a good solution and set of boundaries that made everyone happy vs trying to control their time and life.
I said this in another comment but the most loved I’ve ever felt was when my fiancé helped me pick out my outfit for my first date with my bf (who I’m also to a year with!!). I also love helping them both with their relationship struggles and life issues and so on. I love them both tremendously.
That’s totally fair, but also I think a lot of people need to accept that they don’t need to get something to respect it or believe people expressing it. Look at the comments in this thread, there’s polyamorous people explaining our feelings and reasoning next to people asserting that they think it’s just a fetish.
I completely agree, but it’s a big ask of some people for them to respect something they don’t even think is real. If they get some sort of basis for understanding, it’s at least possible then.
for a lot of people in long term polyamory, it’s about intimacy, which sex is part of. even if you have relationships that are primarily about fun sexy times, you’re probably going to do a lot of scheduling to maintain those relationships, or find new ones.
It’s not mostly sexual, it’s entirely sexual. As in, sex is the entire point of being in any kind of non-monogamous relationship.
You know what you call a relationship that doesn’t have sex? A platonic friendship. If it really wasn’t about the sex, then they would call them friends.
EDIT: I see I’ve gotten the polysexual people angry with pointing out their bullshit. :D
First: I notice that you’ve made no effort to refute my claim; you’ve changed the subject instead. So I’ll ask directly: if polyamorous relationships aren’t about sex, then why not simply have friendships? If sex was absolutely out of the question in any polyamorous relationship, how would they differ from any other deeply intimate friendship? (ETA - intimate friendships have changed over the centuries; things that we would consider bordering on sexual without being overtly sexual were much more normal among same-sex, nominally heterosexual friends up through the 20th C.)
Second: Yes, arranged marriages (and political marriages fall into that category) are entirely about sex. Or, to be more complete, they’re about producing children that have a specific parentage, which generally requires that the two people have sex. (Adopted children are not usually considered an acceptable substitution for blood in arranged marriages. Similarly, the children of concubines do not have rights of inheritance.) Charles was expected to marry Diana and have children with her–which absolutely meant that he was obligated to have sex with her, even though he and Camilla were very much in love with each other–in order for the royal line to continue.
Hmm that’s interesting. I thought it was mostly sexual.
There are people like that. You hear about their new partners all the time and see them constantly looking for new partners. That’s not because poly is like that, but because these are the same people who would be serially monogamous if they wanted monogamy.
For me, monogamy just felt too restrictive. My wife and I both broke up with people who wanted monogamy not long before meeting and have always been poly. As a 22 year old I loved the idea of sex, but nearing 30 I love that I can have multiple happy and long term relationships. I love the fact that I could fall in love with someone new without risking losing my wife who I love dearly and cherish. And yeah I’ve been in two happy relationships for about 5 years now. And both my partners like each other and I like my girlfriend’s husband
Well at least you’re the girlfriend’s boyfriend, not her husband, lol.
I’m her girlfriend and her husband is quite happy with the situation. Just as she’s been when he’s had other partners. He actually set us up. The only reason he’s not seeing anyone else at the moment is that nobody else has really gotten his attention. Same reason my wife isn’t seeing anyone else at the moment. If my wife were to be interested in someone I’d encourage it, I love her and want her to pursue what her heart desires.
It’s annoying when monogamous people act like we’re all lying about experiencing compersion.
Man, do I feel this. Why is it so hard to believe that people can feel differently about things?
No, I’m not jealous and afraid my wife is going to leave me if she has sex with someone else. She isn’t when I do that, either.
We’ll eagerly discuss all the juicy details. She loves hearing about my adventures. She’s more shy, so I hear more about who she’d like to be with rather than actual adventures. We both giggle and discuss people we’d totally bang and there really actually isn’t an undercurrent of anxiety about it.
If I found someone that I started to fall in love with, isn’t that an awesome thing? Love is wonderful! And the sort of person that I could love would be someone that my wife would, at the very least, like. How does this not sound like a wonderful situation to people?
Monogamy doesn’t make sense to me, though I respect people’s right to feel the way they do. If they feel jealousy, that’s allowed. If they think it’s better to have jealousy, then I’m confused, but whatever.
It’s just weird that feeling differently gets such negative reactions and accusations of lying.
Exactly! Like, I get that some people are very bad at polyamory and are total wrecks about it. Those people weren’t good at monogamy either. It’s easy for casual acquaintances to miss that I’m poly because it’s not causing problems in my life. I have far more romantic problems from my wife’s clinical depression (that she’s had her whole life) and my girlfriend’s abundance of children (also not related to her polyamory) than I do from jealousy or anything like that.
Fuck I’m the boring old married lady even next to some monogamous friends of mine. We don’t do the whole juicy talk thing, but we do get happy at the other’s happiness.
Everything you said here was so good honestly.
I am extremely happy whenever my partners find someone who can help make them as happy as I try to. I want my partners to have the happiest possible life ever and it’s unfair to everyone involved to stop them from being able to get that happiness.
I think something a lot of monogamous people forget when talking about poly is that jealousy is a pretty natural thing to happen… Even in polyamorous relationships.
I’ve felt jealous before in my situation, the difference is that I talked with my partners and found a good solution and set of boundaries that made everyone happy vs trying to control their time and life.
I said this in another comment but the most loved I’ve ever felt was when my fiancé helped me pick out my outfit for my first date with my bf (who I’m also to a year with!!). I also love helping them both with their relationship struggles and life issues and so on. I love them both tremendously.
I feel like compersion is one of those things people can’t really “get” until they experience it themselves
That’s totally fair, but also I think a lot of people need to accept that they don’t need to get something to respect it or believe people expressing it. Look at the comments in this thread, there’s polyamorous people explaining our feelings and reasoning next to people asserting that they think it’s just a fetish.
I completely agree, but it’s a big ask of some people for them to respect something they don’t even think is real. If they get some sort of basis for understanding, it’s at least possible then.
Bigot
for a lot of people in long term polyamory, it’s about intimacy, which sex is part of. even if you have relationships that are primarily about fun sexy times, you’re probably going to do a lot of scheduling to maintain those relationships, or find new ones.
The old saw is that its mostly scheduling and deconflicting
And today you learned you thought wrong.
You may be thinking of “swinging” or some other variant of non monogamy.
Don’t worry it’s just like when furries say it’s not sexual
Like OK we’ll nod and smile and maybe they’re the golden case but everyone else is sex obsessed - poly community drama is always about sex.
It’s not mostly sexual, it’s entirely sexual. As in, sex is the entire point of being in any kind of non-monogamous relationship.
You know what you call a relationship that doesn’t have sex? A platonic friendship. If it really wasn’t about the sex, then they would call them friends.
EDIT: I see I’ve gotten the polysexual people angry with pointing out their bullshit. :D
Are arranged marriages entirely about sex in your opinion? Or political marriages?
First: I notice that you’ve made no effort to refute my claim; you’ve changed the subject instead. So I’ll ask directly: if polyamorous relationships aren’t about sex, then why not simply have friendships? If sex was absolutely out of the question in any polyamorous relationship, how would they differ from any other deeply intimate friendship? (ETA - intimate friendships have changed over the centuries; things that we would consider bordering on sexual without being overtly sexual were much more normal among same-sex, nominally heterosexual friends up through the 20th C.)
Second: Yes, arranged marriages (and political marriages fall into that category) are entirely about sex. Or, to be more complete, they’re about producing children that have a specific parentage, which generally requires that the two people have sex. (Adopted children are not usually considered an acceptable substitution for blood in arranged marriages. Similarly, the children of concubines do not have rights of inheritance.) Charles was expected to marry Diana and have children with her–which absolutely meant that he was obligated to have sex with her, even though he and Camilla were very much in love with each other–in order for the royal line to continue.
No my point wasnt to refute your claim so why would I?
I was simply asking out of genuine curiosity. Dont be so defensive, they werent sarcastic or rhetorical questions