I know some one in their 50s who is in an arranged marriage. They are happy as far as I know and did infact fall in love. They are from Kashmir. The way he told it to me, it was very similar to friends setting you up with some one, except it was the parents who did it. No forcing and no personal gain for the parents. Just people who know you trying to find a good match for you with their contacts.

I feel a little ashamed. Everyone here has cool trauma.

My parents chose each other. They argued over money, which we didn’t have a lot of, and her chronic illness which loomed large over all our lives, but they loved each other and us. She was in her late 50s when she died of a cardiac event caused by complications from her chronic illness 12 years ago. My dad is still alive and I dont think he’s even looked at another woman since. I have a hard time even imagining it.

Mine chose each other and were ok people. Not ideal parents, they were emotionally distant which has left me with some mental garbage but they weren’t cruel, didn’t fight much, and generally tried to do the right thing.

My parents are neutral people. They care about the people close to them, and not others.

They chose one another, and are toxic af. They argued constantly, my mom physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me all my childhood and still tries.

Shortly after I was born, my dad bought a small adobe house 18 miles from town, it had 1 pull string light and one plug socket in each room. There was no bathroom, and no indoor plumbing when we moved into it. My mom grew up in NYC and could not cope with this. Everything my dad did he did for the betterment of the family, my mother saw anything not directly for her as a slight against her.

The fighting and abuse got so bad I used to try to get my dad together with my friends with single mothers moms.

Mom mother finally moved out of the house a few years ago. It has been the best thing for their relationship.

My parents ostensibly chose each other, but it’s really more like my mother preyed upon my father. He’s a bit younger than her, not as educated, was shy and not overly ambitious, and perfect for her campaign of modeling someone into what she wanted. My aunt says he used to have a great group of buddies back in the 60s when they met, and one by one she weeded them out of his life and replaced them with people she thinks had higher social status. This tape has recycled itself routinely throughout their lives as she discards someone and finds someone new to glom onto for a while and try and be them. She has him totally under her thumb, and she’s a vicious monster who regards other humans like furniture she rearranges.

People didn’t know much about borderline personality disorder in the 60s when they met, and he’s too shy and unable to defend himself, and while they do squabble, she always wins. He has very little insight into how toxic she is, and goes along with all her psychotic shit, like how nobody can use a bathmat and you can just slip and slide on the wet floor, or how you can’t keep the toaster or kettle on the counter and have to put it immediately back in the cupboard burning hot, because her narcissism means everything has to look like a museum.

He dated some woman before her, just a girl really, who was chubby I guess, and my mother spent one dinner with extended family joyfully insulting this woman, who he last laid eyes upon probably 40 years prior, and asking him repeatedly with vicious gleeful delight if he remembered “the ball”, meaning this chubby girl. My spouse wanted to clock her in the teeth. We were all just kind of numb to her behavior then and tried to ignore it, but not long after I awoke to who she really was and haven’t seen them since. It’s sad, but she regards me as a piece of lost property really, and I don’t think there’s a good enough therapist in the world to wake him up to how dangerous she is.

As my mom was becoming an adult, women in my country still couldn’t have their own bank accounts nor could they vote. So how much choice did she have? She could stay under her abusive father’s control, or roll the dice on marrying a guy who had minimal red flags. They’re fine, they had kids and are still married decades later. But I can’t really say she was able to freely choose.

I am mixed on how they did as parents. I have no doubt they mostly did what they thought was the right thing. I just strongly disagree with them on some things they believed to be right. Like I wasn’t given certain vaccines as a kid, not because my parents thought they would cause autism, but because my parents thought Hep C would only be caught by drug users and sexually promiscuous people. And their kids would never.

My parents chose each other. My mother chose my father to get away from her mother.

My father is an only child who isn’t used to not getting his own way. If you had asked me 30 years ago, I would have said she’d eventually divorce him or murder him.

For a long time, he’d leave her alone so he could go out and ride his motorcycle, and she was miserable because she was stuck at home alone.

Now he’s too old to ride so he’s home all the time. He’s definitely crossed into “elderly”, and he’s having serious health issues. He’s depressed because he thought he’d be young forever, and he can’t accept the reality. He won’t do anything to improve his situation. He just sits around saying he’d rather be dead. So now my mom is miserable because she’s stuck at home with him.

Despite all that and the hostility they’ve expressed to each other over the years, I’d say they are perfect for each other.

My parents chose each other. They’re both good people, but they weren’t a good match at all and none of us were especially surprised when they divorced.

The Mrs and I chose each other, and while it would be arrogant to assert that we’re definitely a good match I get the impression that my kids would be shocked if we split.

The structural key to a happy marriage is, I think, the freedom to leave. If my parents had split when I was a kid they’d probably have a better relationship. But because of economics and law and pride they didn’t, which made the pain last way longer than it should have.

My mother chose my father. Toxic relationship, divorced in two years.

My mother chose my stepfather. Wholesome relationship, still married some dozen years later.

Chose each other and are good enough people. They have recently been maybe a little more stressed over money troubles due to their bank account/my mom’s cards being targeted (and I swear they refuse to change banks only because my dad’s job goes through them), but overall are about the same as always.

My parents chose each other. Are they good people? Sure. But they had a ton of problems and split when I was in high school.

My grandmother, my dad’s mom, she was a terrible person. Very difficult to be around. I’m sure that’s why my dad has the issues he does. He ended up abandoning our family, and he’s very… Well, he’s passive-aggressive and will do almost anything to avoid conflict. Which doesn’t sound terrible, but that means he avoids us when he thinks we’ll confront him with anything. It was frustrating for a very long time but now I just accept that we’ll never have a close relationship because of it.

He remarried about 10 years ago now. We get along okay except she’s an alcoholic and has a really awful temper. After a specific incident in which she screamed at me over something very minor, I decided I was done trying to foster a relationship with her and now it’s very at arms length. Oh well.

My mom, she and I are close but her issues are very much wrapped up in my brother, who also has issues. They’re very co dependent, and my brother takes advantage of her. He sucks her dry of resources and refuses to do anything on his own. He’s in his late 30’s and it’s still going on.

No, people who choose each other can be very toxic.

People actually do arranged marriages. Wow.

They chose each other all right, an undiagnosed autist in denial raised with backwards Ukrainian village values (dad) and a narcissist (I suspect slightly retarded, in a medical sense, too) raised by pretty irresponsible parents who’d tell her how smart she is instead of teaching her something (mom).

And they wouldn’t be such a bad combination, if my dad hadn’t moved from a technical to a management position at some point, which affected his mental state negatively, and if my mom weren’t anywhere near opportunities to worsen her narcissism (stupid conspirologic books helping her feel herself very smart, books on psychology, such stuff).

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