back then we called it “swinging” and it wasn’t rare.
now it’s an open relationship or “relationship anarchy”
i’m not a swinger. tried it. never will be. glad people can enjoy it.
there’s no “right way” to have a relationship.
People should identify less and relationship more.
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Big sigh. Every time this topic comes up, the same kind of questions come up. Usually there’s a lot of ignorance and some malice, and it’s kind of tiring. But, most people are probably talking in good faith , even if they’re firing from the hip.
First off, not all non monogamous relationship types are the same. Swinging tends to just be about the meat. Open relationships often are hierarchical and have some people as secondary “fun but not serious”, and often have one “primary” relationship. Polyamory and relationship anarchy tend to be less about hierarchy. But also sometimes people will use the same word and mean different things.
Common questions and responses
“This sounds exhausting”
Cool. So does rock climbing and marathon running. Don’t do it if you’re not interested.
“I don’t have time for that”
Cool. I also don’t have time for some things , so I don’t do them. I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to post on a topic about baseball that watching all those games takes up too much of my day.
“It’s just cheating”
No. Cheating is when you break the agreed upon rules. If your rules say “you can fuck other people” and then you fuck other people, you have not cheated.
“It’s just dating. I dated a few people before I met my spouse.”
Not really. It’s common for people to go on multiple dates before they go exclusive. In those cases it’s typical for the emotional connection to be more shallow. You’re just getting to know someone.
With some forms of non monogamy, people can form meaningful emotional bonds with multiple people.
Note that a polycule doesn’t have to be a closed shape. A can date B, B can date C, but A and C can have any or no relationship to each other.
“I want an emotional connection”
Many polyamorous people form emotional connections with their partners.
“This all sounds complicated”
Many things in life are. Pathfinder is a complicated tabletop game, but you don’t have to play it. Don’t engage with it if it doesn’t sound worth the effort. You can play simpler games instead and be perfectly happy.
“I knew a couple that did this and they broke up”.
Cool. I knew a monogamous couple and they broke up.
“But they broke up because of the open relationship!”
Did they? Or were they unhappy for other reasons? Also, I knew a couple that broke up because of WoW. Does that mean WoW will doom a relationship?
“I’ve never seen one work”
I have. Also many poly people don’t talk about it with strangers. You might know people who are happily non monogamous and they just never told you.
“I can’t even find one relationship”
Yeah it’s hard out there. It’s mostly a numbers game, and location is a big factor. Don’t believe incel or manosphere mythology.
Counterintuitively, pursuing non monogamy for me meant fewer dates. It’s a smaller pool of candidates.
“I’m too jealous for this”
Thank you for sharing your character flaw. The first step towards addressing a problem is usually recognizing it.
That said, most people experience jealousy sometimes. A mark of maturity and strength is recognizing it and handling it well. Talking about how you feel insecure when your partner doesn’t text you for a few days is fine. Stalking them to see what they’re up to is not.
"What about STDs??"
Use protection. Single people dating get by. If you feel the risk is unacceptable, don’t engage in non monogamy
“What about families? Kids??”
Kids are pretty flexible. The poly familes I knew, the kids were doing great. Everyone in the polycule loved them. It was like having extra aunts and uncles, mostly.
“But what if there’s a breakup??”
When my aunt divorced Uncle Steve I was sad because Steve was cool, but my parents explained to me that sometimes relationships end. It’s not different.
“You’re being really condescending right now”
Yeah. It’s one of those eternal September / for me it was Tuesday topics for me.
“But you made me feel bad, so I’m not really reading your content”
Yeah, that happens. Read this comic about it: https://theoatmeal.com/comics/believe
Ok, I think I got all the common ones.
“Traditional” meaning “the last 2,000 out of 300,000 years”… Not to mention how it was only the norm because it was forced thru powerful organizations and not everyone just choosing it.
Monogamy and Abrhamic values are nothing but a fad on the timeline of human existence.
We ain’t built for that shit. Some people are and that’s fine, some aren’t and that’s cool too.
There’s a reason we’re not all built the same.
Abraham himself wasn’t monogamous.
Nor all muslims, who are following an abrahamic religion
It’s almost like everything in nature is random
Less random and more “shotgun approach”.
I would love to have multiple partners so that more incomes are coming into the household
How do people have the free time to have multiple relationships? It sounds exhausting.
Let alone having A relationship. I still have to sort my own baggages before I enter into one.
Can’t speak for anyone else but I will never do an open relationship. Either you are with me or you aren’t. Your choice.
And that’s totally fine to have your preference. It’s not just a “your choice” situation. Communication at the onset and throughout a relationship should help weed out others who are not monogamous.
K
My wife and I have been poly from the start of our relationship and it’s been great. That said we’ve also long held a commitment to healthy emotional management
It’s only risky business if your relationship is defined by sex. People who would stay together even without the sex (because they like each other that much anyway) are generally going to be fine.
I’d rather be alone thanks
i dunno how i feel about this. on one hand, i wouldn’t mind having a fuck buddy, but on the other hand i just feel like committal relationships are better because im a emotional person. i dunno but i don’t have to worry becuase i know ill prolly be single and involuntary celibate for the rest of my life!
Oh young people.
The silents and boomers tried this crap too.
Raised a generation of angry Gen-X kids through weekend visitation rights.
I had very few friends whose parents hadn’t been divorced from some form of this (cheating or swapping).
Some couples survived but the marriages were strained.
I’m not going to judge people who try open relationships, but I’ve literally never seen them work. It’s also nothing new. Swingers were a thing decades ago. I’ve seen marriages implode, people end up needing therapy, and the like. I have a friend who is poly and has multiple people in her relationship group. She tried to tell me “how great it is” and then the next day I hear about the latest group drama. I’m like “yeah fuck that noise”.
It’s kind of like communism. I love the idea of communism. Equality for everybody and everybody has an equal say in the means of production. However, it only takes one prick not pulling their weight on purpose to abuse the system and it all comes crumbling down, which is why so many communist countries have a dictator forcing everyone to “be equal”.
The same is true of open relationships. It only takes one possessive or damaged person to blow up the whole group. The weakest link in most things is the fact that some people fucking suck.
I mean, I’ve seen a lot of monogamous relationships fail too.
Not denying that. Monogamy between incompatible partners who don’t communicate happens all the time.
My cousin and his wife did this and then one day my cousin and their new girlfriend dumped his wife
Somehow, the traditional model makes the rich richer, and that’s why they push it so hard. That’s all I know.
Why do people want so badly to have their government legally recognize their relationship? The legal contract does nothing but make it harder to separate when the relationship runs its course, whenever that may be. Have the ceremony, go on the honeymoon, get “married” but don’t include a legal contract in it. You don’t need it.
Primarily administrative privileges, at least from a practical standpoint.
It can be done without declaring it a marriage legally, with wills, medical proxies, etc. if you prefer granular control.
I just want my partner to not go through the nightmare of probate court and legal headaches should something happen to me, or be able to see me in the hospital without pushback. If one piece of paper covers 90% of that then I’m reasonably willing to sign it. On the flip side of that, I hate weddings and would prefer to spend that money on a more material investment lol
Everyone is different though, and there should be alternative options that aren’t such a huge hassle, so I do agree with you.
I went through the process of doing the wills and trusts stuff with my GF and it was about $500.
A marriage license is like $60.
Being hopeless romantics we did both.
Stability of partners and income makes it more predictable to pay for rent and taxes. That’s pretty much it.
Over the years, monogamy meant predictability and trustworthiness. Generally speaking that’s true. When there’s fewer emotions in the pile, there’s more predictable results. More emotions and people? More unpredictability. Landlords and banks don’t like that when it comes to loans or rental situations.
You don’t need it.
Actually, you kind of do for all kinds of things.
unrelated. But genetics is wild when you can have Lily Allen and Alfie Allen in the same branch.
