Could be a one liner or a long drawn out thing I don’t care. I like all kinds of comedy.
Have you ever noticed how all the vampire lore is based around Europe, but never in Africa?
It’s because they bless the rains down in Africa.
I don’t see it. Bloodless raign? How am I suppose to misshear it?
Blessed water aka holy water is very bad for vampires.
Noted. Thank you.
The last one i learned:
What does a Dutch man do when his team wins the Soccer World Cup?
He saves and switches off his PlayStation.
deleted by creator
Woooooooah.
…too soon?
A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”
The genie says, “Check your pants.”
The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”
Genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It shouts “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.” The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.
First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.
Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”
Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:“Guys, I think I fucked up.”
Heard it in Russian a while ago, it’s one of the classics. Here’s another one:
A guy walks in a pub, sits at the table and orders a pint and a thimble of beer. Bartender gets him a pint and asks why he needs a thimble of beer. “Hold on a sec”, — replies the guy, putting an inch long little man onto the table from his pocket: “Jack, tell him about the time you told the wizard to go fuck himself”
There’s a lot longer version of that in German too, where the wizard is hard of hearing and the guy at the bar didn’t actually wish for a 30cm big person, but it’s all German puns and impossible to translate.
They have it in English too but he plays the piano.
In the German version, he’s the author Johannes Mario Simmel.
Makes me think of the one like:
A sailor walks into a bar and has a really small shrunken head. The bartender out of curiosity asks “I’m sorry to pry, but how and why is your head so small?”
The sailor says "Well I was out to sea, and I saw a mermaid. She said she would grant me one wish. I said to her - Well it’s awfully lonely out here and could go for a roll in the sheets you know what I mean? But seeing as your all fish down below, how about a little head? "
A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of a farm and a small boy opens the door.
“Hi kid, is your father at home?”
“No, he’s in the hospital”
“I’m so sorry, what happened?”
“He got run over by a tractor”
“That’s terrible! Is your mom at home then?”
“No, she’s also in the hospital.”
“What happened to her?”
“Got run over by a tractor as well”
“Then who’s looking after you?”
“Well, my aunt and uncle did until they got run over by a tractor”
“How horrible, so you are here all alone?”
“Yes. Everyone’s been run over by a tractor”
“So what do you do here all day all by yourself?”
“Not much, just riding around on a tractor”
I fear for that salesman’s life
A woman is deep in the throes of labor, bringing her first child into the world. “Push, push,” the doctor tells her as the baby’s head appears. “One more big one,” he exclaims; she cries out and obliges.
The doctor gently cradles the new arrival, moves to hand it to the mother, her tears of pain turning to tears of joy as she reaches for her baby. But suddenly, the doctor grasps it by the ankles and begins to bash it against the end table.
The mother screams, begs him to stop as he punches it, bites it, slams it against a wall. But her cries are ignored while he tosses around like a dog with a rat. Exhausted he finally hands it to her.
“I’m just foolin’. It was already dead.”
Many years ago when I did stand-up I tried to come up with a better take on the “dead baby joke”. The foundation isn’t mine, but the delivery was. It was one of my best bits and I get that it’s not funny in the classic sense but in the “Jesus Fucking Christ!” sense.
Actually, I was working on something similar. The original ‘stable relationship’ joke is very compact and for me, kind of unfunny. I decided to adapt it into an Aristocrats format. I wanted to spin this out into a five minute monologue and commit it to memory, someday:
A man has been admitted to the trauma unit after inserting a massive collection of objects into his anus, following an unhinged crime spree of public indecency, raucous violence, and gravely harmful bestiality.
He was apprehended by police at the Churchill Downs after a dispute with a jockey. Apparently he had pinched their riding crop and was whipping himself and shrieking like a mare in heat. He was discharged from custody immediately, as it was apparent he had a life-threatening number of objects inside his body. Later, the partially-eaten body of a horse was found hidden under a pile of shit-covered hay. The opinion of the forensics lab was that the horse was slain in a crime of passion.
On arrival, doctors found the man completely insensitive to all known sedatives, until they tried a near-lethal cocktail of horse tranquilizers and Mongolian fermented horsemilk known as airag, which calmed him enough for imaging to be taken.
The preliminary x-rays showed eight My Little Pony toys and one limited edition plushie of Twilight Sparkle, a hardback copy of Equus and a well-worn paperback of Animal Farm, an unloaded Colt revolver, half a lucky horseshoe, a lasso, a ten gallon hat, a pink Himalayan salt lick, figurines of Mr. Ed, Maximus, and Secretariat, a Lego cowboy set, a half-empty pony keg, two white knight chess pieces and one black one which kept on falling out (because he’s been shitting himself uncontrollably this whole time you see), and the broken staff of a hobby horse, which protruded three feet from him. The head of the hobby horse he was using as a sort of codpiece, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. It was later found on eBay and recovered at great expense.
Prior to the procedure, his condition was reported as ‘stable’.
Anyway, it’s not quite there yet. There are some parts that feel kind of hat on a hat? I’d appreciate any notes you might have, I’ll take any critical feedback; after all, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
I love a good slow build that ends with what would otherwise be a dad joke level punchline, and that one’s 🔥.
Aw cheers, thanks for reading. I dream of finding a horse furry to pick their brains for better material. Something that really demonstrates a genuinely prurient mania that a non-horsefucker can’t really replicate. A joke like this is like Evel Knievel, you just hit the gas and go for airtime, yanno?
That’s incredible, goddamn!
This Twonks two panel is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Anyone I show it to cracks up. He is a genius.
“I guess that means I’m hired?”
A guy wakes up one morning and hears a voice inside his head. It says, “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He shrugs it off, but pretty soon he hears it again. “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He keeps trying to ignore the voice, but the more he tries the more he hears it. Pretty soon he’s hearing it constantly - “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!”
Finally he can’t stand it. he decides to believe the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, puts all his money in a suitcase and flies to Las Vegas. The moment he steps off the plane the voice says, “Go to Caesar’s Palace!” He takes a cab to Caesar’s Palace. The voice says, “Go to the roulette wheel!” He makes his way back to the roulette wheel. The voice says, “Bet it all on Red twenty-three!” He bets every cen he has on Red twenty-three.
The wheel spins around, and it stops on Black eleven. The voice says, “Fuck.”
I have a joke about piping to /dev/null, but you wouldn’t get it.
I told you a joke via UDP, but I don’t know if you got it or not.
I sent your joke to 0.0.0.0/0 and I’m sure someone will get it.
Did you hear about the drummer who had twin daughters? He named them anna 1 anna 2.
Badum-TSSH
I believe those are Lawrence Welk’s twin daughters.
A preacher tells his congregation that next Sunday he will be doing a sermon about the sin of lying. In preparation, he asks them to read Mark 17.
The next Sunday, he asks them to raise their hand if they read Mark 17. Everybody raises their hands.
The preacher says “that’s funny because there is no Mark 17, Mark only has 16 chapters. Now on to my sermon about the sin of lying”
That preacher is the prince of lies! /s
He tempted his flock into sinning.
A guy and his wife went to marriage therapy…
Therapist: Your wife says you don’t pay attention to what’s going on in her life and you’re not romantic, for example, you never buy her flowers.
Husband: Gosh, I guess that’s true. I mean… I didn’t even know she sold flowers.
A mild mannered working man one day hears a voice in his head whispering, “Give up everything and go to the casino!”
. The man is a little freaked out, but he puts it down to stress and ignores it. But the voice is there every day, day in and day out, not giving him a moments peace, whispering in his head, “Sell everything you own and go to the casino!”
.
This goes on for weeks, months. “Take all your money to the casino…it is your destiny!” Finally he can’t take it any more, it’s driving him mad. He can’t sleep, he can’t eat, he can’t concentrate on anything. So he gives in and sells his house, his car, his worldly possessions, everything, and takes the money to the local casino. He bursts in the door like a wild man and yells out, “OK! I’m here! Now what ?!”
.
The voice whispers, “take all your money to the roulette table and bet on 15 black.” The man shouts back, “Why should I ?!” The voice responds, “Do this, and you will have your answers!”
.
Weaving and stumbling, he stalks over to the roulette table and puts a bet down, all his money on earth, on 15 black. The ball drops, the roulette wheel spins, around and around it goes. The man watches it with feverish intensity, around and around, until finally the ball stops on…2 red.
.
The voice in his head whispers, “…fuck!”Over 100 years old, my grandfather would slip snippets of it into casual conversation making my grandmother slap him and go “STOOOP!”
'Twas the Night of the King’s Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. “What ho!” cried the King. “Ass-hole!” replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. “But what of the Queen?” asked Daniel. “Oh, fuck the Queen!” replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King’s word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, “Oh, shit!”; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
“Stop!” cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called “Halt!” and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions’ den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts — but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of tea?” Daniel replied, “C-U-N-T!” And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of pills?” Daniel replied, “NIP-PILLS!” And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel’s left nut, and began to munch upon it. “Oh, it tickles, it tickles!” cried Daniel. “What tickles?” asked the King. “TES-TICKLES!” roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion’s turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, “Where’s the Queen?” “Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper.” “And is she well-supplied with paper?” “Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen.” “It is good,” said the King. “And where’s the Princess?” “Oh, she’s upstairs in bed with laryngitis.” “Not that fucking Greek again!” cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, “Oh, fuck the Princess!” and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King’s word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, “Well, I’ll be fucked!” — more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature’s attire. “Roll over, Queen!” ordered the King. “I’ll be fucked if I will!” shouted the Queen. “You will at that,” observed the King, “but you’ll be corn-holed if you won’t!” Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, “Balls!”; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, “Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!”
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. “Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?” “Fuckin’ big ones!” replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.
This reads like a joke that’s been told since the middle ages and got more and more stanzas added over time.
One winter morning, Trump wakes up to a fresh snowfall in front of the White House, but is outraged that “FUCK YOU TRUMP” is written in yellow in the fresh snow. He orders every law enforcement and intelligence agency to investigate, and uncover the culprit, and by the end of the day, Ka$h Patel was in his office with an answer.
“Sir,” he said, with tears in his eyes, “I’m afraid we have bad news, and even worse news. First, the bad news is that we know who is responsible for this atrocity.”
“Well, that’s not bad news, that’s GOOD news! Who was it?”
“Mr. President, our analysis of the urine, indicates conclusively that it was JDVance.”
“JD? My little buddy? That IS bad news.”
“And it gets worse, Sir.”
“How could it get worse than my own VP turning on me like that?”
“Well, sir, we did an analysis of the handwriting, and determined conclusively that it was Melania’s.”
I’ve been telling this since the Reagan Administration.
