My ex tried this shit with me talking to any women. I had never, even once, given her any hint of inpropriety.
I ended it there, that day, and just stayed single for the next year or so.
A person that jealous is a red flag for control
That or projection and they are cheating themselves… been there
Oof this stung.
What, she once said “no more talking to other women”!?
A downward spiral that ended more or less there.
We had been together for a couple years, long distance. she was a couple months from moving back.
Start of conversation, I say: Kate said that the renfest tickets were about to go on sale
Who’s Kate.
Kate at work, there’s a crew that goes every year, we should go.
What else do you and Kate talk about?
Devolves into wanting an index of female friends and leading questions of if they are nice…
Mind you, we’d not been fighting; I was always accountable and on time. We had just spent most of a week together.
Near the end, she made it an “it’s either me or her…”
Kate is gay… I could have went down that path, But at this point, “woah woah woah, give me your key, we’re done”
I never regretted that.
Good for you!
This is the kind of healthy drama I want to see. It seems so far fetched it might actually make a good television show.
The older you get, the less fuck-giving you are.
Had a friend who’s wife started assuming he was cheating or trying to cheat with any other woman in his life. It was very extreme. Like - he once held the door open for a random woman entering a restaurant and she started accusing the woman of being a whore.
He ended up staying with her for a few more years because their daughter was 16 and he didn’t want to end up paying child support, and when they split up the 18yo daughter moved in with him.
she started accusing the woman of being a whore.
To her face? That’s like BPD or something
It was shortly after covid that she went kinda crazy, so I’ve wondered if she had some long-covid issues.
Oh probably not even that. I know a few people that had the psychological whiplash of going from being able to pretend that they were safe and bad things happened to Other People, to InVisIBle THinGs aRe OuT tO gEt mE!!!
And so they went antivax or some other psycho mindset
i lost two friends this way. went from cool people to being psychos post covid.
before i blocked them they would spam my IG feed with anti-vax and other conspiracy nonsense, and ended up adopting like multiple animals and going on rants about how men are awful. sad, and so fucking cliche.
i mean, yeah the dudes they dated were awful, and i often told them that over the years, but they never listened.
yeah, i have met women who make this a requirement to date them. it’s not common but it exists.
you basically can’t interact with any other women than your family. because so much as smiling at a woman cashier at the grocery store is cheating. it’s really not about that though, it’s about their need to control you to feel secure.
it also is almost always a double standard, because that rule doesn’t apply to her talking to men.
Yeah had woman like that. Cashier hand touch mind handing me my change at the grocery store. I ended it that day because she filp out over it.
Was driving and glanced at something in my peripheral, barely even registered what I was seeing before a shrill “SHEES FOUURTEEEEEEEENNN” blistered through my ear drums from the passengers seat.
Like I could have understood that reaction if I was legit checking out some 14yo girl but like I was just driving and watching out for pedestrians.
Tragically miserable human being that taught me a lot of life lessons the hard way.
Yeah. That kind of mindset is tragic, because it’s hard to live like that but it’s also so toxic that it pushes away anybody who might be able to help.
Good call!
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Instructions unclear.
Married a woman who plays video games with me.
My wife is currently breeding an army of factory workers for me in exchange for a ton of ammo and raw materials in Palworld.
The last two words of that sentence are the most important ones.
“…in Palworld” is the new “…in Minecraft”
*in Rimworld
*in Rimcraft
*in The Sims
*in Crusader Kings
If you squint a little the rest of the description does apply to the real world…
Hot
So did the guy in the meme later on.
Some of us have dated dozens of people and never met one what enjoys or is OK with video games.
women who enjoy video games are not exactly abundant.
I’m not sure what your point is? Ive dated people who didnt like video games too.
that you are lucky and statistically that isn’t an option for most folks.
I’d love to date a woman who mountain bikes. The ratio of men to women in mountain biking is about 100 to 1, far worse than video games. my chances of finding a lady who wants to do that with me is astonishingly low.
however what is very common, is for meet a woman who lectures me on how stupid and dangerous and dumb mountain biking is and that i should stop doing it. that’s like 1/4 ladies I meet.
Given the ratio you’ve listed, it should be extremely easy to find women into mountain biking. Though I suspect you meant the inverse of what you said.
Yeah, that sucks, man. I mean, it is a dangerous hobby, my nephew is really into mountain biking and I keep hearing about his hilarious but serious injuries.
However, if you love it, like you clearly do, that’s just part of the game. It’s not surprising that you have trouble finding a gf who can be okay with that part, and ideally you would indeed want someone who you can worry about equally because she keeps falling off mountains and breaking ribs or getting concussions or whatever.
I’ve had a partner criticize my video game time before. They didn’t want to spend more time with me though, they just didn’t like that I was talking to other people online. I’ve also had a partner spend 90% of their free time online and ignore our relationship. What I find most interesting about the meme however is that any time it comes up it’s always the female partner giving the ultimatum, and I do not think that is a coincidence, I think it’s shaping a perception, and rage bait.
It’s absolutely pushing an agenda. But for once, the guy’s response is reasonable and healthy.
Yeah it wouldn’t be a bad response at all in a healthy relationship context. I wish all partners could give each other the same respect. I like the response, just not the frame.
And yet, it’s also what a person would say if they did prefer gaming 24/7 but also wanted her to feel that she was at fault for ruining a relationship he was never invested in. He’s not even looking her in the eye to make his accusation.
Meh. Judging people on eye contact is ableist.
But yeah, it could be that tactic and then the outcome is still good. Relationship ends.
Not making eye contact is one thing, actively turning your back is another, especially with a person you supposedly have a close relationship with (although obviously that’s shottohell one way or the other.) But yes as regards outcome, the pretense of a relationship ends, which is probably good for both of them.
I think it’s shaping the perception that guys tend to spend more time playing video games compared to women, or at least that is the view from a societal standpoint
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The first person is a narcissist.
Literally, not as insult, as a diagnosis.
They do that because they want themselves to be the only or main person whose attention and input you value.
The video games disallow them from being able to monopolize your attention budget.
Narcissists, in relationships, seek to monopolize the partners attention budget.
Perhaps ironically, that doesn’t apply in reverse though… they’re allowed to monopolize the attention of many people, in their minds.
Other people though, no, they’re not allowed to do that, other people the narcissist knows are only allowed to spend attention on the narcissist.
I do not think that is a coincidence, I think it’s shaping a perception, and rage bait.
Also notable that the people in the meme are inevitably very attractive. They tend to be younger, whiter, and upper class. And the wall-of-text response is always dripping with smugness and guaranteed the final word.
It’s all very Reddit.
The answer to most ultimatums is no. It’s one thing if it’s something you need to change and is reasonable to demand, but even then by the time it hits an ultimatum the relationship is often in a position where the damage runs deep.
I’ve ended an engagement over an ultimatum and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made
What blows my mind, is everytime I was issued one of these… it was from a person who was objectively like way worse or had way bigger issues than I did.
Like, yeah I have to stop playing video games, but you have to pay off your $50,000 in credit card debt.
And the reply was, no, you have to quit video games, so you can work more, and make more money and pay off my debt for me.
And naturally friends/family took her side, because I have the penis and it’s my job to pay off her debts, or some bullshit.
anyway, good news is i’m single and financially secure, and happy, instead of together with someone being broke and miserable all the time and doesn’t allow me to have any joy on my own.
It sounds like you dodged a serious bullet there. I don’t know many people who started their marriages with huge debt who are out of debt or living happily at this point. Most of them are divorced. The smart ones kept enough paperwork to prove their spouses came into the marriage with debt, so they should not be held jointly responsible for it.
Yeah well, according to the women I meet, it just makes me a selfish horrible lazy asshole.
Almost every serious relationship I have had has ended because I was unwilling to pay off debt for my girlfriend. And they also all lied about it and pretended they had no debt. But in their minds, I was the bad person in the relationship…
But true that I am not stupid enough to have married any of them, or gotten them pregnant. One of them tried to get pregnant to entrap me, that was fun! Went off her birth control without telling me and then confessed one night when she was drunk.
And now I meet a lot of ladies who have like 10 million in the bank who think I’m also a lazy piece of shit because I can’t afford to drop 25K on a weekend getaway like they can. But I guess they aren’t in debt, so progress?
either way I continue to have my mind blown how awful and entitled people are when it comes to relationships and naively cling to my idea that we’re supposed to be equal partners who improve each others lives… but it seems that is not a popular mindset these days.
Them: You have to stop playing video games, they’re a waste of money and time and take up too much space
Me: Ok, then you stop collecting funkos
“You need to stop playing video games”
Normal people: says the person that is on Instagram and TikTok for eight hours a day?
I don’t even mind the hours on tiktok… what bothers me is the fact they become depressed and anxious because of it, because they are constantly comparing themselves to the lifestyles of millionaire influencers and thinking that is how they should be living their life or their life isn’t worth living…
almost every major big influencer/streamer comes from wealth, and pretends like they worked to get where they are… no they started there, and just decided to advertise it so they could con poor people into giving them more money, who want to live vicariously through them.
and every stupid streamer plays up that they are ‘just a normal person’. They almost never are. The ones that are normal people… basically live in shitty houses in the middle of no where, they aren’t traveling the globe.
THANK YOU. So glad to be free of that judgment and eating my cat food in peace.
I don’t judge. I am disgusted, but I don’t judge.
I appreciate that. Looking back, it really was disgusting that she tried to use “love” as an excuse to try to force me to change my damn diet!?!?
At the time, I was too caught up in raising our family to see her subtle abuses. So when she’d refuse my physical affection over so-called “cat food breath,” I used to really take it to heart. For a long time, I’d honestly almost convinced myself that I really was the problem, somehow.
The answer to most ultimatums is no
or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mu_(negative)#Non-dualistic_meaning
That’s a cool concept that I’m gonna find a way to incorporate into my vocabulary from now on
Ok, but few people will understand that response
Such an alpha move when, if someone sits you down, you first get up and sit down on the other side of them before you respond.
Also pushing the book shelf across the room and rearranging all the books
And replanting the trees outside so they face in the opposite direction!
Don’t be ridiculous. The alpha move is to get a mirror and place it facing of both of you.
Relationships built on ultimatums are very abusive. You’re forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do to fit your expectations.
If you feel like your only recourse to get what you want is to make an ultimatum, maybe it’s already time to move on.
It depends on the more on what is at stake more than just the ultimatum. Get sober or get out is very different than stop your hobby or get out. No matter how you try to get someone to give up their running club, it’s probably an abusive move.
You either never cheat on me or this relationship is over.
It doesn’t matter though, you’re still a massive asshole in the other person’s mind.
Even if it’s objectively something positive, like stopping drinking or other destructive behaviors.
People have to want to change themselves, if they don’t, you’re just being a dick. It’s very different if your partner wants to change habits and lifestyle and asks for your assistance.
It’s part of setting boundaries and letting someone know that they exist. You aren’t being a dick of someone chooses meth over a relationship. No one is entitled to a relationship, there are plenty of acceptable reasons that could be ultimatums to end a relationship.
the methhead thinks you’re a dick though.
ask any of my exes and they will tell you what an awful abusive piece of shit I was, for not ‘fixing’ their addiction issues for them and ‘judging’ or ‘punishing’ them for it. and plenty of their girlfriends 100% took their side.
people are not rational and objective when it comes to relationships when they are in them. They hardly ever look back and go ‘gee that guy who dumped me for my meth problem, he was so great and I was the shitty person in that situation’.
Every relationship is built on ultimatums. Such a weird opinion to say it’s abusive. I’m leaving if my partner cheats, picks up a drug habit, or spends all of our money, for instance.
I think there’s a difference between a hard boundary and an ultimatum. The former exists before it needs to be said, and the latter is a “do/stop this or the relationship is over”. It’s often associated with existing relationship issues or a sudden change in the relationship.
It’s also associated with an expectation that one gets their way. Rather than approaching as a conversation about “are we still compatible” it becomes a cudgel. When I rejected my ex’s ultimatum it resulted in her begging me to change my answer and later yelling at me about my being willing to end the relationship.
yep, been there. I had one ex crash out at me 6 months later, because they found out I had found someone else… while they were also dating someone else. Like we broke up in Sept than one random day in March I had multiple ranting voicemails that I woke up to one day about how I ‘betrayed’ her and how I had ‘clearly never loved her’.
She was the one that initiated the breakup over an ultimatum, but her ‘plan’ was that I would come crawling back to her or something. Because it’s only True Love if you’re completely broken and subordinate to the other person, including abuse.
There’s a difference between ultimatums and boundaries
There really isn’t. You’re just adding a connotative difference if it’s a socially acceptable reason.
Boundaries are healthy limits set to protect oneself, while ultimatums are demands that pressure others to change, often with a threat.
Boundaries respect both parties. Ultimatums prioritize one’s own needs.
Using the meme as an example, “if you don’t stop playing video games I’m leaving” is an ultimatum, putting herself first. It neglects the fact that he enjoys playing video games, and forces him to choose between her or his hobbies.
“I feel neglected when you play video games so much instead of spending time with me, what can we do to find something that works for both of us. If we can’t find a solution, I worry about the sustainability of our relationship” would express her feelings, identify his behavior that is causing those feelings, and respect the fact that his hobbies are important to him and give him space to continue enjoying them. And the boundary is “if we can’t work together on this, this relationship won’t work”.
There is nothing in what I said that suggests connotation or social acceptance are a factor - polyamory exists, couples could enjoy drugs together, and money is important to everyone. What you listed are your boundaries, and that’s cool - I have the same ones. But they’re not universal (though definitely some of the most common). What matters is how they are communicated.
You just explained the connotation and presented it as a difference in definition, but an ultimatum is just attaching consequences to a “hard boundary” or “deal-breaker.” Usually, the consequence is just walking away from the relationship. I know in real life it often does turn abusive, and you can have an abusive ultimatum, “have sex with me or I will hurt you,” but it’s not inherently abusive.
Even your examples are ultimatums but said more kindly.
“I feel neglected when you play video games so much instead of spending time with me, what can we do to find something that works for both of us. If we can’t find a solution, I worry about the sustainability of our relationship”
The boundary is “being in a relationship with someone who plays video games so much” and, assuming the status quo is not acceptable, what turned it into an ultimatum is “I worry about the sustainability of our relationship.” I.e., I’m going to break up with you if you don’t play less video games than you are now. Just because you would like to stay in the relationship and keep playing video games at the same rate does not make it abusive. What would make it abusive is if there’s a pattern of manipulation that puts the ultimatum in a negative context.
The difference is “let’s figure this out so we’re both happy” versus “stop this or I’m leaving”. Boundaries let the other person know what we’re comfortable with and what our limits are. Ultimatums are about control.
In my example, the boundary is feeling neglected because of so much time playing video games, and the limit is not wanting to be in a relationship where one feels neglected. Finding a mutually agreeable solution shows respect.
The ultimatum of “stop playing video games or I’m leaving” is about controlling what someone does. It neglects the video game players needs while prioritizing the person giving the ultimatum
The terms are confusing, for sure, and it doesn’t help that some boundaries could easily be interpreted as ultimatums. “I’m not staying with you if you cheat on me”, for example, could be read as both.
Yes, but:
Three hours later
OMG so why did you guys break up? You were so perfect for each other!
He chose his video games over me…
Wow what a loser, you’re so much better than him
The fact they’ve graduated from a “talking stick” to rearranging the furniture and trading sides of the couch between responses was prob an early warning sign
He is in line, and he’s right.
I feel like the whole situation would not even happen if they had a healthy relationship, as in discussing their feelings.
This is a reasonable response, however if his habits are inhibiting his lifestyle then she has every right to bring it up as an issue.
FRFR glitches be trippin
Yeah, it’s obviously framed like this to dunk on the non-gamer for being goofy, but the reality is (most of the time) someone forcing an ultimatum like this is doing is because every other method failed. So, it’s hard for me to see this anything other than a sort of power fantasy. I’m not sure what to call it. An “I’m right” fantasy? A high-horse fantasy? Not sure.
And the frustrating this is that goofy posts like this hide this so well, because yes, ultimatums are generally bad, but if you point out something like that, they’ll just say something like the non-gamer just jumped to the ultimatum with no warning… But… It’s just a single panel. There’s literally nothing else.
Idk, it’s just weird to me. Also feels a little misogynistic.
Lost me at the misogynistic part. There’s nothing about this that necessitates a specific gender, just happens to be what’s in the meme.
And yet it’s usually the woman in memes like this that’s behaving inappropriately and usually the woman that’s acting boring in the memes comparing boys and girls.
You’re free to do your own memes about whatever you want, buddy.
Never said I couldn’t.
And it’s ok when other people do, too.
This absolutely happens, and women can be toxic too. Not everything is misogyny. I’ve had some absolutely horrible girlfriends and women in my life. I’ve also had amazing women in my life. Instead of assuming everything is misogyny you could idk… maybe consider that women arent always sunshine and rainbows?
When did I say otherwise? I even specifically mentioned most of the time in my comment, acknowledging that it’s not universal.
Theeere we go. It’s misogynistic everybody. Pack it up, we’re done.
“Feels a little misogynistic” is all I said, jeez. 🙄
It’s not a reasonable response at all. It’s unhealthy AF.
If the partner is prioritizing games over their relationship or responsibilities, and is making the other feel like they have to compete for attention and time with their partners habits or addiction. The affected partner hss every right to desire to leave that relationship because their needs are not being met in that relationship.
This is what the ultimatum is targeting. His response being intentionally obtuse and flipping it back around to the partner whose needs are likely not being met in their relationship being the problem is extremely toxic and manipulative.
I like how everyone is inventing a scenario to fit the two lines of dialogue and claiming it’s this or that.
There’s no way to definitely say if it’s reasonable or not because they guy could be prioritizing gaming over his life and relationship or the lady could just be embarrassed that she is dating a guy with “immature” hobbies and he may be very regulated about the time spent gaming.
In one scenario it’s reasonable in the other it’s not.
people are confirming their biases via projection, often into extreme scenarios because those are more emotionally vivid and dramatic, than more mundane ones.
If the two characters were a gay couple you’d see very different replies, and probably a lot more light hearted ones, but a lot fewer of them.
but this one nicely plays into the ‘men who play video games are awful and terrible people’ trope, especially with the headline inciting that the male is the mature one here.
and for some folks in relationships, they MUST be the victim, no matter what. those were my favorite breakups, the classic ‘i am doing this but it’s hurting me more than you so therefore i’m the real victim’ nonsense. classic! you can bet some posters who think that way are totally triggered by any suggestion they might be the problematic one.
plus you know, the weirdos who just have an irrational hatred for people who play video games and think they are all depraved jobless man children who goon to anime girls all day.
anyway, it’s fun because so many folks tell on themselves without realizing it, when you put up these kind of relationship Rorschach tests.
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And I was dating a girl for a month and she mocked me for playing video games while she was on vacation and said video games are immature and the only reason I should ever play them was when I was spending time with my nephew.
Context matters, yes, but how often do we see posts painting men in a bad light with no context and everyone cheers it on?
The whole real men don’t play video games is also unhealthy nonsense constantly pushed by toxic members of our society
https://www.aol.com/articles/dating-coach-reveals-why-video-181930000.html
Honestly this is a contrived conversation, but I don’t think the guys answer is that far off of a healthy response. It is important to shutdown this type of behavior when it happens.
https://blog.couplestherapistla.com/ultimatums-dont-work-do-this-instead/
She would be much better off just saying, “When you ignore me or your chores by playing video games it makes me feel like you don’t care about the work it takes to maintain our home and relationship.”
what a awful shitty lady.
half the women on my dating app matches love golf. it’s incredibly popular right now. it’s the new climbing gym.
Without more context she could definitely be shitty or as the poster I responded to said, it could be a toxic response if he is actually ignoring his chores and the relationship by playing games.
I am probably making more out of it than it is though and overthinking things.
i’m talking about the ‘dating coach’ who is clearly an idiot.
Oh yes, I agree completely.
Not everyone disagreeing with you or acting precisely the way you like is “toxic”.
no, that’s your interpretation of it. which is mostly projection and your identification of the two people as being ‘good’ and ‘bad’.
Positive masculinity!!
So many on here are critical of the lady without knowing the full circumstance. Some people have a huge game addiction problem to level like alcohol or drugs and cannot regulate/manage appropriately. She may have tried more conservative options. If she said either you quit alcohol or gambling or I am leaving…no one would bat an eye. I play video games, have for decades, and know I can neglect my daily life if I let myself. So it isn’t black and white.
So I’m a woman and I play a lot of games. But I don’t disregard my other responsibilities over games.
I dated a guy gamer many years back and he played literally every single day for at least 4 hours usually more.
Mostly in the evenings. Most of the day on his days off. But he definitely would make excuses why he couldn’t help me with things all the time just to go and play games instead.
I sure would have liked to be able to fuck around all the time too but things have to be done.
He basically lived with me so it was frustrating to always be cleaning up after him because he just played games in all of his free time whereas I had to clean and do my studies when I wasn’t working. And the little free time I had to maybe go out and do something, he just wanted to play games.
Idk if I would call it addiction. But he just prioritized it over time with me. And I wasn’t even asking for much as I worked full time and went to school half time. He had a part time job.
I dated him way too long. 2 years.
He mostly played league of legends. He didn’t really play anything else. Which I also thought was kinda meh.
Zero other hobbies or interests.
As I said I myself play a lot of games. I’m not against video games as a pastime. But for some it’s literally the only thing they do and they prioritize it over experiencing life or being present for anyone else. Use it as an excuse to not help out their partner or take care of themselves.
I was always cleaning up after him.
It wasn’t a video game issue per se. It was him being incapable of putting in effort. And using games to avoid responsibilities. But I could see how someone might think it was the gaming causing the problem.
I agree with you, it isn’t black and white and every situation is different. It may not have been a full addiction but it was a major problem. Sometimes it is a full addition as wel but not the sole addictionl. You made the right decision, his excess video gaming was likely a manifestation of his overall behavior pattern. You likely wouldn’t have fixed him even with him playing games.
Yeah I didn’t break up with him over the gaming. He was a bad partner in many ways. The gaming thing to me was just him trying to excuse his poor behavior.
Agreed with most of what you said. Don’t like the gatekeeping over what a person plays though.
Pvp helped when i was mourning the loss of a fam member. That’s aside from other therapies though. And it wasn’t where I dropped all other responsibilities including handling estate.
Him shirking is bad enough regardless of what game he played. You had strong enough points on that.
I Just don’t like the gatekeeper shit in the gaming community. We got enough of that. Let’s do better than this. To each their own.
I just mean he only played one thing. That’s it. Like it’s kind of boring to only like 1 thing in the entire world to spend your time on.
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Yeah, but those kind of people rarely end up with significant others in the first place. You know… because the do nothing but play videos games all day.
Reverse the sexes/genders, and write that again.
Everything you just said would still be true, right?
If the man was issuing the same ultimatum, and the woman gave the response?
It’s rarely a good idea to give an ultimatum. Obviously state your concerns. Set some boundaries on yourself. If you’re at your breaking point, just leave.
Ultimatums just build resentment even if they choose you. They should want to pick you over video games. It’s just a short term fix otherwise.
FR. If a relationship gets to this point it’s for a reason.
If the partner is prioritizing games over their relationship or responsibilities, and is making the other feel like they have to compete for attention and time with their partners habits or addiction. They have every right to desire to leave that relationship because their needs are not being met.
the number of people who are addicted to gaming is 3.5%, of people who game.
the number of people who are alcoholics in the USA is 10%, among the entire population of the USA.
One of those is vastly more prevalent than the other.
I have played video games my entire life, and never once have they ever caused me to neglect anything in my life.
And yet, most every woman I have dated thinks playing video games is a disgusting gross embarrassing thing, like smoking. Even a few of them who liked to play games themselves.
It’s stupid, and it’s false. It’s just a cultural stigma because ‘cool’ people don’t play video games. Only ‘losers’ play them. And yet like 2/3 of the adult population plays them.
Even more weird when you think about ‘watching tv’ as an activity. People think you are weirdo if you don’t watch TV, because it’s so universally popular and has no negative stigma as being for socially undesirable people.
I was in this situation with a woman where she would get pissed if I would play games while she watched tv. Apparently we were supposed to watch TV together. Not talk or anything, just sit and watch. That one didn’t last very long.
Haha no, short answer: too bad for you, it’s video games! ❤️
Video games don’t cheat on you and they don’t mind if you cheat on them.
Proof acc to my backlog
Arbitrary cosmetic changes are also a feature, not abusive criticism
I’m not sure that’s a healthy way to view relationships or how respect works with the reference in the image
I think he’s talking about video games
While comparing it to real relationships.
That’s what you’re doing.
