Having some financial trouble and I’m unsure if the money will run out before the next paycheck.
I hope you are able to make the cycle.
My work. We’re understaffed and underappreciated.
Under appreciate them right back. Try to keep work about funding your lifestyle.
I don’t know how intense or emotional your job is, so that advice might not be practical. But I do think everyone needs to set boundaries, but also emotional boundaries. Please make sure work isn’t wearing you down when you aren’t there. Try taking a few minutes to reset after clocking out, and close the door on your work day.
Thanks. I don’t take my work home as such but I also do have a partner that lends a sympathetic ear when I need it. So I’m lucky in that regard. Truthfully, I get to focus on my home life the moment I’m off the clock.
At the time of answering though, we could have used a few extra hands.
Assuming that you don’t work somewhere where people’s safety isn’t in your hands, just try to remember that every system, including each person in it has finite capacity.
Can you use recent history for workload capacities to make the case to your leadership that they either need to hire more workers or rethink their resource planning?
Psoriatic arthritis flared up in my entire body that has made it impossible to sleep or even really exist for the last week and a half.
It would be awesome to just not hurt for a few hours.
I hope it calms down, I cannot even imagine what that must be like. Do you have access to people with experience with this? Support groups, or even one mentor?
I could probably find one with a little effort but the fatigue is crazy. I can barely keep myself awake during the day and can’t sleep at night.
I think it’s starting to calm down a bit now at least.
I hope that when you’re feeling better you can use that time to find a way to get more support. But more than all, I hope you’re feeling better. Lean on your friends, they love you.
I know nothing about psoriatic arthritis but I do know a little about joint inflammation. I read about how an imbalance of omega fatty acids can cause inflammation and after taking a fish oil pill most of the pain went away in my knees. Would that be something you could try?
Diet changes are one of the major things I’ve been working on that has made the last little bit rough. I’ve been cooking a lot more, primarily oily fishes which I love, but I did cut out the trash sugars and caffeine that I use as a crutch.
Almost daily mackerel and salmon has been awesome though. Saba shioyaki is probably my favorite comfort food and I never realized how easy it was to make. I’ll have to give the actual fish oil pills a try though, thanks!
Kicking my ex out. I’m terrible at any kind of confrontation and at this point I do have the option of calling the police to assist. I just know that I am a doormat and am afraid I will cave if he gives me a sob story. He’s had over two years to get his shit together and leave but it’s come to forcefully removing him. I could use someone besides the police with a firm voice to convince him to get up and moving.
You can’t help anyone else if you can’t take care of yourself first. That’s a really hard position to be in, but you have to do it for your benefit and eventually for his too.
In fact, if I found out my lady wanted me out but didn’t flip the switch, I would be pretty upset about the time we lost living in that state. That time could have been spent rediscovering myself or finding my next partner. What a missed opportunity!
I first informed him I wanted him to move over 2 years ago, but he never left. Hopefully this will finally be resolved in the next week. I’m at the end of my rope, barely surviving in my own home. I hide in my bedroom, while he roams the house making a mess…I want him to be happy and healthy but that won’t happen while he’s in my house. We’re both miserable.
First I want to apologize somehow I didn’t register “ex”, and parts of my comment therefore made no sense.
Do you feel physically unsafe to confront him? If not, I think you’re within your right to flat out say “you don’t live here anymore and you need to pack now and then leave”.
He’s your ex. Nobody owes (or is owed) any interpersonal relationship from anyone else, nor any favors or support.
You already know all this though.
If you do feel threatened by him, I am always skeptical about involving police, but you have the best angle for that judgement call, maybe you should get on it. I hope there’s space for you to give him a chance not to need that though. Involving the police only due to being timid I think would be an irresponsible play.
Do you have a trusting relationship with any mutual friends that can help you mediate and navigate this?
No matter what you do, it’s going to have to happen, I don’t see any sense in waiting. You need to be able to take care of yourself and move your life forward. There are only so many years you’re alive… Don’t give him another 2.
Thank you! I did have a friend with me at the time of confrontation which helped me immensely. It did require the police as it turns out there was a warrant for an unrelated matter for him although he wasn’t arrested at the time. I think by having the police come he finally realized I wasn’t backing down and he’s run out of time. He’s now moving his most important things out and working on finding another place. He has until the sheriff’s department, which handles civil cases like this in my state, comes and officially removes him. I haven’t told him but I think I will make arrangements with him after that happens for him to get the rest of his stuff at a later date.
I feel like I have more energy now than I’ve had for the last year, I actually want to do something with my time at home other than sleep.
I’m glad to hear you’re turning that page, and I hope he chooses to as well. Congrats, and eventually congrats to him.
Life.
Life doesn’t come with a manual, but it does come with an author for its manual.
I like to keep a small size binder (I hate notebooks because I’m very fickle about organization). Like A5 size with some line ruled paper and some grid paper. I keep some in the back for random notes and extra fill. I use dividers, and the very front page I keep a to-do list of things that really need to happen now. The next page are to-dos that i don’t want to forget but aren’t really critical.
Then I have a section where I keep one page for any major problem in my life. I’ll try to do a root cause analysis. “Just keep asking why”. Then I’ll sort of journal some observations over time until I solve my problem.
These can be as simple as being flustered in the grocery store or as serious as co-parenting problems. You need to know what parts of your life you can control, and harmonize with the parts you cannot.
Then, I have a section of sort of “how-to’s”. Simple things can make a big difference, like what order works best for me to get myself ready in the morning… Like start the water kettle before I wash up and get dressed so I can have my coffee while I make breakfast. A lot of these pages will be written (or rewritten!) after I’m ready to throw away my problem solving pages from the other section.
But on a day by day and hour by hour basis, focus on triage. What can you do for yourself and your people that will have the most impact in the shortest amount of time? What can you do that will bring you a little joy, what can you do that will reduce a little irritation? Then do that.
I’m a software developer but a lot of the work is ambiguous and the instructions are lacking sometimes. My company puts no pressure on me and is amazing with my neuroticism and ADHD. Yet I can’t not wreck my mental state by worrying about things and thinking I’m not cut out for this. This issue is worst Mon-Tue and then gets better towards the weekend. It’s also dependent on the work load and client emails.
Also, crashed my mums car last night by not paying attention and rear ended someone. Then they tried to fight me cause I asked them to all stop screaming as nobody is hurt and it’s only material objects and I’m fully comp so they’ll be fine. Fucking cavemen. I’m not adverse to hitting someone, but it would have to be over something more serious than a minor accident.
Oof… Yeah it is hard to deescalate with a person who is primally furious with you. It was probably really scary for them, and it sounds like they might not have been emotionally intelligent enough to handle it. I’m glad you and everyone are ok.
I’m also in software and, yes, depending on what kind of business you’re in people often have no idea what they want. Do you like reading? One thing that helped me in those situations is Don Norman’s book, the design of everyday things. It helps me get into a big picture mindset.
Thanks for the response.
Yeah I agree they were just people not cut out to handle the stress of the accident and just got mad. It was my fault and I owned up to that instantly, I’m just more a chill guy as things could always be worse and no body was injured thankfully.
Thanks for the book recommendation I’m have a look for it.
Yes we are consultants and we write extensive spec that clearly the clients don’t read and then we have to go back and redo a lot of work as “it’s not what they want” but they can’t articulate what they want so you have to infer it and then when it’s wrong they’re like bruh. This is what I struggle with, the ambiguity of it all. I like to know what I’m doing and when, whereas this small company is incredibly chill and don’t expect a lot which I find hard as I’m used to being worked to death in crappy jobs and here it’s like the staff come first the code is second after we are all happy. I am blessed in that regard.
How long are you working as a software dev? Basically a lot of new devs want to “save the world” by closing tickets and using that as a metric if they’re doing well or not. The reality is that a software dev’s job is just about as much writing, as dealing with clients, going to meetings, etc. People might value you for things that you don’t think have value. For the cut out for this part - you most likely are. Imposter syndrome is normal, I had it too, even 6 years into my career. Been the “goto guy” for the team, multiple times a teamlead at 3 different companies / teams. Never had a problem I couldn’t google away. Yet in the back of my mind, there was always a “maybe you’ll encounter one on the next ticket? And they’ll fire you for it” etc. I managed to silence that shit and bury it deep behind all of my achievements.
For the second part - some people are just idiots, some are governed by emotion, etc. Also, saying “it’s not so bad” is a shit way to deescalate the situation ^^
Only 18 months.
So my company is less ticket based and more here’s a spec for the whole application go ahead and build it kind of thing. My boss is amazing but he keeps a lot in his head and when I ask for help he doesn’t explain it in way that makes me understand or feel more confident. These issues do pass and they’re never as bad as I make them seem in my head at the time. Then we get emails from clients which we just action as and when. You’re right about it not just being about coding, as a lot of time is in client meetings, email writing and stuff like that.
I don’t know if glad is the right word for you having imposter syndrome, but I’m kinda relieved so many people say they experienced it too.
Yeah I’m an enigma as I’m incredibly socially adept at times, but then others I’m a fucking idiot. Especially, if I think people are overreacting as I’ll then try all the wrong things to get them to calm down. It was just strange that they were screaming and talking to me like shit and the second I’m like fuck this mate they wanna get physical, I’m not adverse to physical altercations but not over something so trivial (in my mind). Perhaps I should watch the way I say things.
Well, there you go - the issue is with the company and the irreplacable boss. He is the weakest link obviously. Imagine he gets into a car crash, gets hit by a bus. Suddenly all his knowledge is gone, either for a while when recovering, or forever. Knowledge transfer is incredibly important. Things like tickets, scrum, kanban etc are used because they work for every type of person - they serve to transfer knowledge, the hierarchy in a team protects the programmers from shit they shouldn’t be dealing with (that’s the project manager’s role, to be a shield for the team, to curate the the messages comming from “higher up” and the ones sent out by the team). The most important thing to know is that “do the needful” is about as shitty of an ask someone can pose to a programmer. People doing that don’t know what they want, and instead rely on what they don’t want - once you actually implement something that remotely fits what they needed. As for clients not reading specs - it might be time for someone to have “the talk” with them (obviously not you). One thing you need to know is that shitty clients can be fired too, once the development starts breaking down, the communication is arse etc.
For the people on the road - they probably took it as you trying to bail on them. But yeah, impulsivity when things are getting heated is never good, it’s better to stay silent for a few seconds and then say something, rather than immediately say something that can be taken very badly.
Let me follow up, that that lack of direction is also a great opportunity for you too. If they afford it, take your time and weigh different ideas, different technology stacks or different designs, try to get the costs together (development and maintenance), and make a presentation to them. But most importantly learn as much as you can in the process every time
Not today, but recently at work, I, a DevOps engineer specializing in Linux and other Unix/Unix-like systems, was given the task of doing some admin and maintenance work on a few Windows servers…
I FUCKING HATE WINDOWS
THIS OS MAKES NO SENSE AND ADMINISTERING IT IS A NIGHTMARE
FUCK MICROSOFT!
What’s your task? I’ve supported quite a few systems
Upgrading/reinstalling some company specific software (it’s an absolute mess, we essentially build our own tools for everything in C++, there’s probably a quadrillion memory vulnerabilities and the software crashes all the time), because random people on the Windows team have been tinkering with the config over the years, and now essentially everything is broken and has to be reinstalled. We have been shipping newer versions of our software to customers than we were running internally… (of course it was tested in the staging environment, but our prod was pretty unmaintained and messy) I’m so glad that I’m usually on the Linux team… I was a software engineer before, but I was tired of C++ and the weird way we do things, so I was probably the first one who asked to move to the newly formed Linux team, when we started slowly migrating away from Windows around 6 or 7 years ago. Unfortunately like half of the Windows team recently quit or was laid off, so they had to find someone who could do this. Since I was a dev before, I’m quite familiar with our internal tools. I’m now working with 3 Windows guys on fixing this insanity. The entire process is not quite as bad as it sounds, but I really don’t want to touch a Windows system ever again in my life.
Sorry to hear that, it originally sounded like I might be able to help with some scripts but cleaning up the org is definitely going to be work. Stay strong
it originally sounded like I might be able to help with some scripts
Thanks man, I still appreciate it a lot
I feel like I just need to clarify some things. In my initial comment, I was bashing Microsoft, not because it’s their fault that my company has such a messy environment and workflows, but because the way Windows Server works is just stupid. Since there’s no proper shell (PowerShell is absolute garbage), everyone on the Windows team uses fucking RDP to log in to the server… Most of the stuff can’t be reasonably done through a CLI, and requires using the stupid GUI wizards. Configurations can’t be replicated as easily, since I can’t just use scp to copy a config file, I actually need to go through the stupid GUI wizard again. Active Directory is a huge mess that’s been held together by hopes and prayers over the past few decades, and I hope it dies sooner rather than later. Also fuck my company’s stupid decisions from 20 years ago… Integrating some stupid Windows/Microsoft specific stuff into all of our products was not the best idea, and they realized this a few years ago. Now we have a huge amount of technical debt though, and it will take decades to get everything ported over.
Preach! I got onboarded to a team with 31 other SRES and 2 weeks in I realized that I was doing all their jobs in Linux solo. The things got helped my team before I got there: octopus deploy’s “run script on host” it’s not too different from invoke command -computername “”, but Active directory :vomit: and security locked down most of the useful tools, so they used octo runbooks instead (also vomit but you do get tools back in the remote UI) but it’s setup with tentacles w/ identifiable ssh keys so it skips ad. It also lets you set env variable libraries.
Move configs to dev repos and make them set/read their own yaml/json, for some reason windows shops didn’t get that memo. Royal TSX is a decent rdp client that you can script host lists and store prod/dev credentials, ours is basically just
knife node list | sortwindirstat is a GUI replacement fordu - *. The light at the end of the tunnel is when you drop the codebase in a windows container and just remove all of the iis mess/instability for container management.Right now we are trying to figure out bootstrapping. In order to provision a new host we need to reboot the box 2x for ad and one for the app stack. We think we can remove the hostname assignment, but AD shakes fist… it’s kinda pointless targeting an automated step, when it needs manual intervention later anyways.
I used to work in IT.
Having to make promises about things with so many uncertain variables was really bad for my mental health.
Don’t forget about ChatGPT, which is pretty good about giving (mostly accurate) answers to tech questions.
My anxiety is particularly bad today. I woke up with my hands shaking and I got so nervous I started to dry heave.
Would you consider trying a meditation app? A medical professional recently recommended “insight timer”, which has guided meditations and somatic tracking programs and things.
Just a caution, if you do check it out, it will ask you to start a free 7-day trial for their “plus” version, you have to find the “skip” button, and avoid starting the trial so you don’t get charged. I can see how that bit might not be anxiety relieving! But otherwise she had a lot of praise for it. I haven’t tried it myself, but I have it ready to go. I’m in a pretty good place at the moment… I hope I remember it’s there when I need it.
Wow how do you normally deal with that?
I usually distract myself with a YouTube video or a movie. But it’d be nice to have some help with it
Try doing puzzles on Chess.com or playing Tetris. Things that make me think on the fly really help with anxiety attacks.
I posted about distractions earlier in the thread, the most effective distractions for me has been Geoguessr.
I also learned a lot about how the Swedish road network is numbered as I live in Sweden and mostly played the Swedish map.
If you need a free alternative, you can try Geotastic
i drank too much last night and now i feel a bit too sick. I live alone so cleanup and cooking are a bit challenging
Crap!
Don’t forget to load in tons of water. Be patient with yourself today. Only do what you have to until you’re feeling better.
I hope tomorrow is a fresh start for you!
I brute forced myself into cleaning up and cooking healthier meals for myself. It sucks, but if you rinse your dishes right after you eat and put leftovers away instead of “letting them cool” or “soaking the dishes”, everything gets so much easier.
If you want a really tasty, filling cheap fall dish that will 100% help a hangover:
Throw some evoo and garlic into a pan and let it go for like a minute. Then throw in a handful of fresh spinach. Then a handful of halved cherry tomatoes. Then two cans of drained cannelloni white beans. Then a cup of heavy cream and a half cup of Parmesan cheese. Salt, pepper and toast some bread.
Buying all the ingredients at once is like maybe $15 and this stuff can be used for anything. I’ve made breakfast sandwiches with these beans, a fried egg, and some Sriracha on an English muffin.
Take vitamin b complex and drink something with electrolytes. (It’s what plants crave) (Kidding about the Idiocracy joke, do it). Source: recovering alcoholic
Yup, like the others, I’m broke. Month to month barely getting by. Gotta trim back where I can.
It’s hard but you are doing it. Don’t forget to find away to enjoy yourself, is there a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time?
I’m doing fine really, just stressed about money. Working overtime where I can and keeping expenses low.
I play D&D with friends twice a week. Low cost, high imagination way to hang out.
The main issue is that we took in someone in need this last summer who can’t pay their own way and for now, we are shouldering the difference.
It’s worthwhile but taxing.
That’s so kind and awesome of you.
Is it looking like a long term situation?
Probably for at least a year.
My life is pretty good but one of my good friends is currently going through post partum and it’s causing manic mania. It’s hard to see someone so happy but so unstable.
That is really stressful and sad. Try to be there for her but also keep in mind what is and is not inside your (and her) sphere of influence. But you can’t give yourself away for her. I hope she pulls through soon.
Everything. Or just this.
I need to get my car fixed so I can leave.
I need to empty out my car so I can get it fixed.
I need my car fixed so I can empty it out.
I need to go shopping so I have food.
I need to bike to go shopping.
I need to eat to bike.
I need food to eat.
I need to get paniers and a rack for a bike so I’m not so reliant on my car.
I need to get my car fixed so I’m not so reliant on a bike.
I need to find a therapist to feel safe.
I need to set up a computer to email every provider in a whole state to try to find one.
I need to set up a computer so I can work.
I need to feel safe to set up a computer.Everything seems like the most important thing to do right now. I know the actual only important thing to do today is get food for at least 3 days so I can have at least 1 day when that’s not a problem. I need someone to tell that to even though I’d already thought of that and thought that I have nobody to tell it to, so thank you for asking.
You might not need to empty out your car to get it fixed.
I’ve fixed some cars that are between “hoarder” and “they probably live in here”. It’s not the most pleasant thing, but it’s possible.
This sounds to me like an ADHD cycle of failing to know how to prioritize. Focus on your immediate needs and take this step by step. First, find something to eat. Pasta with ketchup if you have to. Now figure out how to do a round of shopping. Just one. Not how to do them the best way forever, just once poorly to get some easy to eat foods in your house. Step by step.
When everything is precious nothing is precious, and that intermingled list of demands is pretty cluttery. No offense!
“Reliance” is a risk to mitigate, but mitigating risks shouldn’t come at the expense of taking on more risk.
All the things you want to do are worthy and valuable but like you said, you just cannot do them at the same time, and I doubt they are quite as cyclically dependant as you think they are.
(For example, if you’re in a pinch for transportation and you’re willing to bike but cannot get one yet, you could try a bike share or scooter for a few dollars for a few hours… I have done this to get me home from dropping the car at the mechanic).
Try to organize those things into a clear roadmap, where things that cause more things to become easier are done first. Where you have cyclical dependencies, think outside the list to solve that problem.
I got rear ended and I think I may have a concussion.
My finances are so tight right now. I’m at an ER right now, because everyone I know says to get any symptoms documented ASAP.
Rear ended at a stop light two nights ago (Thursday). Tried to work last night (Uber driver), but whereas I usually do 4-5 hours before a break no problem, I could only go about 1 hour before being too exhausted and feeling my attention slip.
I really, really need to make money this weekend. I hope there’s some kind of lost wages support I can get, because I’m afraid if I drive (a) I could be unsafe and/or (b) I could prevent my brain from recovering by not resting enough.
I don’t have any buffer to cover me for now, even if I’m awarded some kind of lost wages judgment later. I’m worried, overwhelmed. Don’t know what to do.
On top of this, my nephew who’s in a rough spot in life just showed up in town unannounced. He didn’t ask, but I offered to let him stay with me. He’s homeless. He says his plan was to just stay on the street or at a shelter.
He’s a good kid, but he’s a total spaz. He found some gig work today, but he botched getting up on time and I woke myself up early to drive him to this job.
I really, really need my sleep. When I wake up there’s like a 30 second window for me to go back to sleep. But I rolled out of bed and drove him to the job site. Because he didn’t plan well enough for getting there.
I grilled him the whole way on how he can avoid making that mistake in the future. His answers were vague at first. He literally just said “discipline” when I asked how he can avoid this in the future. I was like “no, I’m asking what specific steps you can take to avoid this”.
He’s got a seizure disorder. He’s in and out of mental hospitals. He’s been on the street in Oregon. Got OR gov’t to provide him a train ticket to Denver.
I feel for him, but I really really need solitude and rest if I’m gonna recover from a concussion.
Fuck.
He’s got really bad adhd. I keep finding food he took out of fridge then just forgot.
I’m in my 40s, he’s in his 20s. This is my first apartment ever. I’m struggling to survive. Living week to week doing uber with a rented car. But the shelters are full as far as I’ve heard. Meaning he’d be on the literal street.
I’m praying. My own father is helping me out.
The fucking timing on this is crazy. Was heading to the train station to meet him, stopped at a red light, when the other car just ran into mine. Like, just sitting there then bam, my world is changed.
Nephew is weirdly childlike. He’s turning 30 this year, but he talks like a teenager. Thinks like one. I find myself naturally fathering him, like “Did you remember your coat?”. Shit like that.
When I lived on the street it made me grow up. I don’t understand how it hasn’t made him grow up. Or if I’m mistaking mental illness for childishness (as others have done with me).
I’m sitting in an ER waiting room right now. Staff giving me dirty looks like I’m a drug seeker. Don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do.
My own father, in his late 70s, is offering to lend me a little money to get through this. I’ve got shame issues around accepting that. Trying not to let the shame control me.
I might just tell the nephew that he’s got to go out for the next four or five days. Figure out other housing or sleep on the street. I simply cannot rest my mind unless I’m alone. It took me until my fucking 40s to secure an apartment that was mine, where I could be alone. Then when I really need the solitude, in order to let my neurons relax and recover from the fogginess of this concussion, is literally the same day (out of the approx 15,000 days of my life) that my nephew drops out of the ether needing help.
I don’t even know what kind of help I need. I guess I need clarity and courage. Clarity to know exactly what I need to do, and the courage to do it.
I think the right move is:
- Accept the loan from Dad
- Kick Nephew to the curb (at least for a week while I recover)
But I feel no certainty about that. It feels wrong. My mind and my heart are out of alignment.
Your dad loves you and wants you to do well… Honor that by letting him help you out.
Regarding your nephew, it sounds highly likely that your house is not his final stop in life. If you don’t have the capacity to take him in there’s no sense in letting his one homelessness become two homelessnesses. You can support him in other ways, maybe as a role model and a mentor, but if he needs a parent you might not be it. Parents grow into that role alongside their infants.
Do you have any interest in doing something other than Uber, or doing Uber just on the side?
I could use some help with the metric shit ton of chicken biryani I made a couple of days ago.
That sounds delicious, was there a certain recipe you used?
This one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XlMguO9r-M
There’s a few ingredients missing from the recipe he puts in the comments so watch the video closely if you’re going to try it.
Also 1kg of dried rice - I measured out that amount and yes, it’s the same as he uses but it’s just way too much.
A fap session.
I hope you find what you’re looking for
“That’s not a good thing for a taxi driver to say.”
