DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.
there’s a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it’s huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.
like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I’d honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?
Pelicans have hollow bones. You’d be able to easily break it in half if there was a real fight.
The best way to fight is to prevent it from happening in the first place. I would recommend carrying an air horn or whistle and use the noise to scare it off.
I deal with a lot of unleashed dogs around here going after my dog so I’m already carrying pepper spray. it’s too bad avians are immune to it.
actually it’s not THAT bad. pepper spraying a seabird would probably end up with it drowning because it can’t see where it’s flying
I don’t know if he’d fuck you per se. But he might make sweet sweet love to you
Cue the Barry manilow
Who in the sweet fuck is boning to Barry Manilow?!
this person was obviously seeing your mother last night
She’s dead, so this only deepens my curiosity.
society as a whole has agreed that “yo momma” jokes are not actually about the other party’s mother. people like you who break that convention gets this
Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you’re a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.
You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you’re already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don’t really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it’ll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it’s subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.
Then take it to your mom and she’ll take the head and feathers off for dinner.
Best of luck brother.
You can never plan to fight a pelican. It just happens. We’ve all been there.
it’s a long-standing tradition. all official pelican fights must be a surprise
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right punch the pelican in the face with another pelican. that’s how you win
I don’t live in a place that’s even remotely hospitable for pelicans but you’re right. It just kind of happens sometimes. Like a fact of life
What’s it going to do? Swallow you? Lmao. It can try. I don’t see how it can intentionaly hurt an actual human.
Pelicans have stupid stumpy little legs, basically no talons because they have webbed ducklike feet, and are able to apply very little biting force with their beaks due to the length. Pelicans feed by scooping things up and swallowing them whole. They don’t bite, tear, or chew. I’ve never seen one try to peck anything. They’re certainly not built for that.
If you grabbed a pelican by the beak I think there is vanishingly little it could actually do to you aside from squirming and flapping feathers all over the place. You should be fairly clear to yeet the thing into the ocean at your own convenience.
Haven’t seen it mentioned here, so a word to the wise: their beaks are somewhere sharp-edged, and if you were to grasp the beak and your hand were to slide lengthwise (towards or away from the tip), you could sustain a nasty cut.
Source: adolescent me harassing pelicans that were a lil too inquisitive about my days’ fishing catch on a dock somewhere near Cedar Key, FL.
good to know. was it like a bad, dirty paper cut?
It was precisely like a bad, dirty paper cut that stank of fish munge.
Tasty
Some real advice
Nice to hear Florida Man has a voice. You, sir are a legend :)
Hey fellow Keys guy! Grew up partly on Summerland Key
We were on a Zoo trip during summer camp, me and my brother and a bunch of other kids from our judo class. Mostly early teens.
Certain areas in the Zoo had free roaming animals, mostly kangaroos, emu, peacocks, some ponies, goats and sheep. A couple kids had the great idea to pester the pelicans. Pelican are a funny bunch that keep begging for treats with their giant beaks open and waddling around. They look less than threatening, although they have that frowny looking eye.
Anyway the kids decided it’d be fun to take turns spitting into the beaks of one particular giant pelican instead of giving it treats. It didn’t really like it but the kids kept persisting, daring to lean in closer and closer into the pelican’s wide open beak. Finally my stupid little brother in the spur of the moment thought he’d show the other kids how it’s done. He ran up to the pelican, leaned in really close and spit the most nasty wad into its beak. At that moment the pelican turned its head sideways and
*** CLAP ***
I’ll never forget the sight of my brothers head being completely engulfed by a giant beak.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The grab only lasted for a blink of an eye. My brother didn’t even have time to realize what happened and struggle against it. He came out with a surprised and slightly scratched face. The surprise turned into a grin and then laughter within seconds.
Nevertheless, the pelican gained the respect from the kids and they’ve stopped pestering it. But somehow I imagine that this is basically the worst they can do. Give you a stereo-slap on your ears with their beak. You are safe against that brown pelican.
Be glad it’s not a cobra chicken.
Just be glad your brother isn’t a pigeon or other similar sized bird. A pelican can and will swallow smaller birds whole!
Those people are assholes. Like I was a prick when I was younger but never to animals and doing stuff like this.
My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you’ll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they’ll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.
It is a fight you can’t win good Sir or Madame.
what is it’s pelican season?
They immediately change the sign
Paprika or poultry?
It’s right after pony season.
OP casually walks by pelicans and hears the Mortal Kombat music begin playing
Pelicanitiy!
Sometimes it’s really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.
OP is going to get so rekt’d.
I actually have wrestled a bit with a pelican and can say that if you’re prepared to take a few scratches you’ll be able to hold one down. You just have to hold the beak and wings, once you’ve got it pinned their legs are too short to really get at you.
Admittedly the pelican in question wasn’t operating at full potential (recovering from a wound) but I was in my early teens at the time so wasn’t exactly an example of peak physical performance myself.
Alright, story time. How did it come to that? Just the typical youngster “wanted to check if I can?” vibe?
It was really just a matter of how to get a pelican to cooperate rather than it being aggressive or anything - they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out you aren’t going to eat them so will resist attempts be caught.
Dad and my sister were coming back from town one night and saw this pelican by the side of the road moving really awkwardly, so they pulled over to check it out and found it had a punctured lung (and a somewhat wonky beak, but that had healed from a previous injury). Best guess is someone wasn’t as good with a shotgun as they thought they were - being charitable there is a chance someone figured it would struggle with the beak, either that or they were an arsehole.
Anyway the pelican wasn’t up to anything much so they took it home, made up a comfy spot in a cardboard box, gave it some old painkillers, and expected to just give it an easier end than being eaten by whatever came across it that night. Next morning however when the box was opened the pelican was alive and kicking (literally) so we pinned it down and put it in part of the chook pen to recover. After a fortnight or so of hanging around eating bits of fish and scaring the daylights out of the chooks every time they saw it the pelican had healed up enough to be properly active again so we wrestled it down once more (took noticeably more effort this time) and bundled it into the car to release down at the dam.
Real answer?
Don’t fight the pelican. The law is on their side, for one thing.
No I don’t think you could hold it away from you without hurting it or you. No I don’t think it has any intention of harming you, unless you are a fish. Walk on by, it will either just sit there or fly away.
Bird law in this country is not governed by reason.
I have no idea, but I really hope some genius on Lemmy creates a simulation of this fight so we can all have a great time watching it.
Does the pelican have a gun?
idk but in this neighborhood, probably
Do you have ready access to a banana?
no but I can print a picture of one
Pelicans are naturally offended by bananas, a printout might work but a pocket banana is a solid distraction technique so you can get it pinned.
they couldn’t be naturally offended by bananas, as what we recognize as a banana is completely man-made. they must be unnaturally offended by it, or we bred the banana in such a way that it looks exactly like something that used to be offended by
probably pelican dildos.
They’re offended by their existence as an abomination on the natural order of things, pelicans are extremely strict in their interpretation of scientific ethics and their adherence to it.
then why do they keep trying to eat things that are bigger than them
