Let’s have a lunch and learn!
How dare you not overachieve for your corporate overlords!
Dance, monkey, dance!
Any mention of “family” and I’m out. You aren’t my fucking family. I barely tolerate any of you, and I only go that far because I am forced to participate in this bullshit just so I can feed and shelter myself. Just give me my project, shut your dick sheath, and let me grind my life away in silence.
On a totally unrelated note, “team player”.
Alright, team, let’s circle back and ensure we’re fully aligned on our north star objectives. We need to leverage synergy, engage in blue-sky thinking, and touch base on our pain points to drive mission-critical outcomes. But let’s not boil the ocean with unnecessary jargon - at the end of the day, we need to optimize our bandwidth for real, value-driven impact. If we keep moving the needle with this kind of thought leadership theater, we risk losing sight of our core competencies and drowning in a sea of meaningless buzzwords. Let’s pivot toward clear, actionable insights and sunset the overuse of strategic messaging before it becomes a blocker to true innovation. Instead of just playing the fast-follow game with every trending framework, let’s focus on original, high-impact execution that actually drives results.
Thoughts?Chris, do you have any builds?No?
Good. Then let’s action this and drive it across the finish line!
Jesus fucking Christ. This was excellently written and horribly real.
Other than the lack of a “shift left” it’s just about perfect.
What’s shift left
Basically just means handling problems earlier rather than later, catching issues early instead of fixing them when they cause expensive issues.
It usually means moving tasks earlier in a workflow. You could often also just say “start early”.
There’s also “shift right”. 😄
shift right
Me commenting insteada sleeping when I have to get up in 5 hours right?
Buzzwords
How do I delete someone else’s comment.
Thank you for reaching out. After a strategic review of available pathways, we regret to inform you that the requested course of action is not viable.
I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
There was a website at some point that would put up themed meeting phrases each week, with points if anyone used them and caught it. I still remember a few of them.
“I don’t want a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, I expect a pot of uranium.”
“We either play barbie or go home. I didn’t get come here today to be Skipper.”
“I don’t say we build a barbie dream house, I want use to build a barbie on ecstasy house.”
“Is this a queen alien problem? Or more of a face hugger we can ignore for a while?”
I want this to still exist
Sounds like AI slop finally found a good use.
Perfect except for ‘Thoughts?’ Instead of that it should be an appeal to the speaker’s boss: ‘Chris, do you have any builds?’
Done. 😁
Thanks. It hit close to home. I hate it.
Lol
Here at Lemmy, we are steadfastly committed to leveraging our core competencies in order to drive strategic alignment across all functional units. Our focus remains unwavering on fostering a culture of continuous innovation and optimizing synergies that propel us towards achieving scalable growth and value creation for our stakeholders. By embracing agile methodologies and harnessing cutting-edge technologies, we endeavor to stay ahead of the curve, ensuring robust ROI while maintaining unparalleled customer-centricity in every facet of our operations.
Should you have any further inquiries or require additional insights into our visionary pursuits, please do not hesitate to connect with us. Together, let’s pioneer new paradigms and redefine excellence!
Take your upvote and choke on it.
Congratulations, you win both this thread and my disgust. This is literally every company in software development these days.
I can’t read this shit on the weekend you guys are killing me :p
That they treat you like “family”
They do, the family just happens to be dysfunctional and abusive.
I still hate “leverage” used as a synonym for “use.” “We leverage technologies” yeah sure, when was the last time you had your asshole leveraged?
Anything they use to replace the word “layoffs”.
Rightsizing
Fun sizing
Excising.
Snack Sizing
“We’re family”
Unrelated but I only recently realised that when someone says they believe in family values it means they want to impose their definition of “family” on everyone else.
From an employer I guess when they refer to family they’re really referring to a bond beyond work, which basically means they’re expecting more from you than you’re paid for?
#1 toxic workplace red flag
I fell for this once. Thought it sounded great. Everyone at that place hated each other, constantly spread rumors and sabotaged each other’s work.
“pAiN pOiNtS”
these are not knots in muscles they are severe institutional shortcomings and failings that are draining us all, making us want to jump ship, hazardous, and in some cases even making the company lose profit but you fuckheads just want to write down pAiN pOiNtS and jerk yourselves and the shareholders off instead of actually doing ANYTHING MEANINGFUL
“going forward.”
Yeah, “from now on” worked fine there Phill.
“double click” to mean “focus on” or “explore in more depth”
It always sounds so deliberate.
It just sounds forced to me.
It’s never said by people who created this slang as kids growing up with computers, it’s like managers who just invented it in their 40somethings.
Like they’re trying to be cool, but it’s just not cool
Sorry, I run KDE.
“Department / Corporate Retreat”
As in, “we’re holding our annual corporate retreat next Wednesday! It’ll be offsite, you’re all required to be there, and we’ll be spending the day having a 6 hour meeting about absolutely nothing, just like we do every year. But dont worry, when we’re done we’ll play a game no one wants to play, or do a craft no one wants to do, but everyone will pretend they enjoy it because if they don’t, they’re not ‘team players.’”
This year, our day-long-nothing-meeting was about how management is working to secure everyone’s jobs despite budget cuts, and we have nothing to worry about. Then we took a personality quiz that said I was a character from Stranger Things. Then the next day, they told me I’m getting laid off and have 3 months left at the company.
Fucking RETREATS are so relaxing.
That’s what you get for being such a Will
Actually, I’m a Nancy!
A negative Nancy for sure /s
Briefcase wanker.
“No”
Dude, you’ve said the same exact thing 3 times.
Sounds like a meeting.
Touch base
Leadership at the company I work for started saying “let’s double click that” to mean let’s go into more detail on that topic. Hate it.
Also “let’s take this offline” which just means let’s have a different meeting about it, it’ll still be online because we’re all remote.
Also “let’s take this offline” which just means let’s have a different meeting about it, it’ll still be online because we’re all remote.
See, I would think that would mean for more individual discussion, as in “this isn’t relevant to this meeting, why don’t you and I talk about this after the meeting or at a later point.”
I think everyone has those coworkers who see meetings as an opportunity to ask about things with no relevance to anyone else in the room and makes everybody sit through 10 minutes (per discussion) about an issue that only pertains to them, instead of just going to the manager/whatever’s office in their own time to ask about their personal situation.
If it’s just to table it until another meeting, though, that doesn’t make any sense.
I think in many cases it results in separate discussion over slack, probably between managers but it still often ends up in a follow up meeting.
Oh snap I should have read more comments before posting about “double clicking”. I hate it.
I’ve been hearing “velocity” a lot recently and that also makes me cringe.
The first one is an Abomination unto Nuggan. I’m OK with the second one being used in a meeting to divert a topic that needs covered but is getting off tack.
Take it offline as in turning it off? “We’re taking the service offline” or “Let’s talk about this face to face?”
Nope, all in a teams meeting discussing something, topic diverges or becomes too complicated and is slowing the meeting. Manager says “let’s take this offline” or “we’ll discuss offline”. Keeps the meeting focused but I hate the phrase. It’s not offline because it’ll just be another teams meeting!
Do you have a better way to phrase it? I usually see this to mean “focus on this topic rather than get distracted. We can discuss that later” … or I guess that’s a better way to phrase it
Let’s take that offline perhaps better as let’s discuss that separately/later.
Double clicking should just be something like “to go into more detail” or something. I get why it happens, easy and quick to say, i just find it so irritating.
Before “double clicking”, it was “drill down”. That was no better
I really wish they’d use drill down instead
let’s discuss that separately/later
That can come off as, “Not now dumbass.” The new slang comes off as, “Yeah, needs covered, and we will, but not now.”
As always though, it’s all in the tone.
