So I moved back to my city after 7 years where my family lives.
It’s been 2 years but I never really enjoyed people here. Mostly people I met were from my previous circles, family, school friends and their partners.
I always thought something was off and maybe over time I will figure things out but it was just not happening.
Yesterday I went to dinner with my partners friends and damn it was whole different vibe. As if it’s a different culture. I really enjoyed talking and was genuinely interested in next meeting.
Resparked my joy in meeting people and I guess I was with wrong people and there are people who are out there who vibe match with me but it’s so hard to find them.
Totally get you. I was 100% born in the wrong place and only understood whats normal after I moved.
I think the larger problem is that a huge portion of our planets current inhabitants don’t know how to have a conversation. I’ve tried so hard to have actual conversations to go deeper than “the weather/work/kids/etc.” It seems almost impossible to find someone who can not only think for themselves, but also think of something to CONTRIBUTE to the conversation.
It always goes like this (where I am from):
Me - (sees a few tattoos on their person) “I see you have some tattoos! Do they hold any special meaning to you, or did you just think they’d look good/cool? :)”
Them - “I just thought they were cool.”
Literally it. In the same position, even from someone who doesn’t like talking either, I would ask if the person asking about my tattoos has any. It’s really as simple as that for most people, or could be, I should say.
I stopped putting so much time into trying to open doors for actual conversation a few years ago when I realized people just don’t know how to talk to actual humans any more. It’s fucking weird.
*I understand some people have issues with social activities, and no harm done. This is a very common thing though, and I just don’t believe 90% of people who I have interacted with are those types of people, if you know what I mean?
this made me laugh. That’s precisely what I deal with all the time. Everyone is weirdly superficial and the second you try to go any deeper they freak the fuck out. Apparently everyone is operating on a level of immediacy and impulsiveness that I can’t comprehend. I ask people all the time, why they like something and they look at me like I’m a freak and reply with ‘i just like it’. Then I tell them why I like something they look at me like I’m mentally ill for actually giving reasons or explaining the context that informs my interest.
I used to go on dates in the 2000s and 2010s and have cool conversations and feel like I was getting to know the person on a deeper level… that basically disappeared about 8 years ago. Every date I had from 2018 onwards was just endless shallow bullshit or the other person complaining about politics or money. Zero substance, zero curiousity, zero depth. It makes socializing/dating feel totally pointless.
It just feels like people have collectively mentally regressed to toddler-like thinking and communicating any hint of adult conversation is terrifying and bizarre to them.
YES. Exactly!
“Oh, what a WEIRDO for wanting to know about my insert obviously favorite thing / something they enjoy here!!!”
I’ve complimented peoples nails, their tattoos, their outfit/shoes, their accessory or any number of things you can think of that a normal person would consider a nice thing to be asked about, and even then some people just say thanks and then we sit there in silence when the door was wide open to say something, elaborate why the enjoy so and so, or ask something themselves.
That’s just the iceberg of course, I could rant and rave about the myriad of ways people are just so rude and/or self centered these days! It’s maddening, truly.
In a somewhat funny outcome, while I was reading into ways to become a better conversationalist (because I wanted to be better at it, since I never seemed to make friends very well LOL) everyone else was studying the book of “Isolationism, and You, the Main Character”.
There’s a reason so many people who suffer from chronic loneliness are told to first join some kind of socially-integrated hobby, activity, or group: Doing something you already enjoy, in the company of other people who enjoy the same thing, is likely to bring you people you are more likely to vibe with.
One of the best possible ways to start actually finding people you enjoy being around is to go to activities that involve people with a similar set of interests to you. For example, if I go to my local hackerspaces/makerspaces, I’m going to find a fuck ton of people who are interested in the same technology as me, and that means I’m probably gonna find people that have similar interests overall.
The main problem is that with the major reduction in third places, and with things becoming more and more costly to do, (e.g. my nearest makerspace costs over $100/mo to be a part of) it’s hard to actually get into those social circles where you can meet people that you’ll actually like being around.
I remember reading somewhere that you should combine this (doing an activity) with wearing something that signals another interest. The idea is that you’ll potentially find people where you already have 2 common interests. For example, going to this hackerspace with a concert t-shirt for one of your favourite bands. And lastly, if you want a deeper connection, you can’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
just because people like the same shit that you do doesn’t mean they want to be your friend or you will have any deeper connection than them than the superficial interests involved.
what people are lacking is deep relationships. like emotional connections. not just enjoying being nerdy together. i have been involved in tons of nerdy groups and it never goes beyond the shallow superficial stuff of the activity. like, i don’t know about you but talking about shit i have bought or shit i have done isn’t really what i’m looking and doesn’t really satisfy me emotionally in any significant way.
most of my good friends and relationships came from people I didn’t have common interests with, but common values. And my values are rapidly disappearing from the world and people like me are actively shunned by the sycophancy of social media addicted people.
i don’t know about you but talking about shit i have bought
I am more than what I purchase.
A statement hard felt these days.
where i live all anyone cares about is the clothes you wear, the college you went to, the job title you have, the town you live in, the car you drive, etc. nobody cares about anything beyond that. and the second you don’t have the ‘right’ answer to any of this stuff you are subhuman scum not worth interacting with.
and i know this because only half my answers are ‘right’. i went to the right school, and live in the right town, but i have the wrong job, and grew up in the wrong town, and drive the wrong car. it’s like whiplash the way people behave towards men when they hear the ‘right’ answers and later get the ‘wrong’ ones. i go from ‘great guy’ to ‘piece of shit’ in the span of a few minutes.
i also don’t have the ‘right’ hobbies. which in my city are international travel, indoor rock climbing/Peloton, and loving expensive trendy restaurants.
Unfortunately I found that to meet new people you need to make an effort… Sometimes a lot of effort. But it is rewarding. I was in the same boat. Moved back to the city I grew up in, 3 years passed, no new friends. So I made an effort to go to different events and meet people in real life. It has helped a bunch. Sure I’m not going to get along with everyone but you only need to get along with at least one person and you’ll be good. If you get along with more then that’s just a bonus at that point.
It definitely helps if you pick up a hobby or go to meeting with people you share something with. It doesn’t have to be hobby though, it can be a religion, a philosophy, a lifestyle, etc.
This so much. My depressed ass with social anxiety is getting more and more lonely everyday.
Yeah, and even among your people there may be some measure of discomfort.
I really miss how friendships and socializing used to be before social media.
People get distracted so easily now.
Honestly every gathering should have people leave their phones in a locker at the door. Guarantee it’ll be more fun.
I actually don’t bring my phone when I leave the house. Especially if it’s for a short trip under an hour or 2.
It blows people’s minds and they immediately start lecturing me how stupid, rude and irresponsible it is. What if someone texts me and I can’t reply for a few hours? THE HORROR.
Its great doing this! The only issue is I drive older cars so the phone is very nice in case of a breakdown ha
A dumb phone for calls only would be good for that. But youd have to preload it with phone numbers of tow companies and friends etc. Would be pretty easy…
I much prefer not having my phone on me. Humans forgot how to be bored and instantly turn to the little dopamine device at any chance
Yeah, I agree it’s really social media shit.
I had no problems socializing 10-20 years ago. Now it’s incredibly difficult because people don’t really want to socialize anymore so much as be validated incessantly. It’s warped people’s brains to think any minor discomfort is this horrible thing, and anyone who disagrees with you is a raging asshole.
In my college days I used to like being around people who disagreed with me and talking about those disagreements. That is how I made most of my friends Now that is all but impossible. The second you disagree now, no matter how trivial, people demonize you and start saying crazy over the top conclusions about how evil and awful you are. I used to like my friends because they were different than me… now people hate anything different than themselves.
Literally, I’ve had many of my dates the past few years scream at me what a racist piece of shit I am for the books I read, and also for the books I don’t read. Mostly because I read classics and to people’s mind anyone author born before 1970 is a racist piece of shit or something. I do not understand how people have normalized this insanity. I am still reading the same books I have always read for decades… but now instead of being viewed as a positive it’s viewed with straight up delusional hostility. Apparently reading Dostoevsky makes me a conservative Pro-Putin, anti lgbt, racist now…
It’s true.
I’m lucky to have a lot of friends via the roller derby community, but I’m a white man in a largely liberal and activist community, so my mantra whenever any controversial topic comes up is: “I don’t feel it’s my place to speak on that” or “I don’t know enough to have an opinion on that”. (Which in a lot of cases is probably true.)
Those friends end up being surface-level in a lot of ways because I love the sport and can’t risk accidentally saying something that offends someone and risk losing my access to it, because if you say the wrong thing, malice is always assumed and there’s simply no grace given for error.
that’s exactly why i left my communities/hobby activities. I can’t live my life that way. It’s miserable being around miserable people who want to be offended by everything. like you want to play a board game, and there are only male/female pieces and the person goes on a rant about how awful and cruel and abusive you are for choosing that game because it’s not ‘gender inclusive’. it’s a fucking game. it’s not reality. it’s supposed to be simple. just like the pieces only come in one color and not 1000s.
In a personal relationship it’s called ‘walking on eggshells’ and it’s a form of emotional abuse. I don’t want to hang out with emotionally abusive people. The irrational insane abusive people should be shunned, not the people who are well-intentioned, but for some reason we’ve inverted this now and the insane abusive people get catered to as being far more valuable and special than the non abusive people.
It can be like that for sure. I accidentally called a trans skater ‘she’ three years ago, and they got over it and understood it was a mistake, but one of the refs in the league still won’t talk to me. So petty and stupid how people can be.
honestly, i have had the SAME experience. the trans people are way more chill than the non-trans people who think they are ‘fighting’ on behalf of trans people. they are drunk on self-righteousness. i got more shit about BLM from white women who had zero black friends, than i ever did from a black person. multiple times I got screamed at for not attending a BLM protest… by a woman who didn’t herself attend and would say ‘i woudln’t feel safe attending a blm protest as a white woman’. totally ignorant of her own racism inherent in that statement.
I also think its super hard to find them. Most people are nice but you dont feel a true connection.
But yeah, as others have said, group up with people who enjoy the same things you do, and you have a bigger chance of finding your tribe of people.
Try a revolution of the mind. Instead of looking for people who vibe with you, try to identify people with whom you can vibe. Instead of trying to get people to like you, allow yourself to like someone else. Then give that person a small compliment about the thing you like about them. “I like this guy’s jokes.” They will understand that you’re a fan, and you will have a mew friend.
Don’t get your hopes up on the Mew part though. And if you try to recreate one in lab and call it MewTwo, it will end in disaster.
You have to keep searching. If you don’t try, you won’t get it.
Shit is awkward sometimes but great. You’re right, finding people who are that right amount is difficult. Find them.
Yes, but also sometimes the more you try the worse it gets.
If I don’t try to date, for example, I won’t get a partner. OK, but I also won’t have drinks thrown in my face, be screamed at, and be harassed by stalkers. All of which I have had to deal with in dating and was all so intensely negative I’m not sure the potential positive is worth it. I can’t even talk about my hobbies, my history, on a date anymore in 2025 without being told what a stupid loser piece of shit I am. People are insane. 10 years ago I could talk about all that stuff and people thought it was cool.
society has become way more not just anti-social, but openly hostile to strangers. in 2015 I never had anyone scream at me on a date. even if they didn’t like me they were just chill and polite about it. Now if they don’t like you they flip out at you, call you names, and sometimes threaten you.
Same is true of many social spaces and groups I used to hang out with. Used to be very laid back. Now it is very hostile to anyone who is a ‘non believer’ of whatever dogma the space is espousing.
My best advice for finding a partner is to first find a best friend that evolves into a partner.
that’s not how sex works though. people dont’ want to be friends with people they want to fuck, and they dont’ want to fuck people they are friends with.
and a romantic relationship requires the desire to fuck. so that’s why people focus on that first and foremost.
Many people marry for different reasons. To each their own. In my eyes, I married for my forever partner. Beauty fades and I want more than a bang. I want someone who’s brain will be my partner more than their body.
The “make friends first” method works for me for this. Yes I want to have sex but I don’t want my intimacy to be wasted.
I only read the abstract, but that appears to not be the case, and a majority of relationships start as friendships: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8892041/
It’s only when you start to learn to be happy alone, is when other people want to be around you.
No, it’s when you tell other people what they want to hear, they want to be around you.
Meeting other people’s friends groups (as you described meeting your partner’s friends) is a great way to shortcut that awkwardness. Its not just that someone else has done the hard work of filtering folks out, but that people are just on better form when with friends. Part of the problem of making friends in random social events is most people are either a bit awkward or putting on a social ‘mask’, which makes it harder to actually identify the people you’d like once you got past that.
My wife social circle has a bunch of people who entered as someone’s partner for a whole, but stayed friends with us after they broke up (even if there was a delicate period post-split where we hung out with them both, but never together).
Yeah it’s hard to stay motivated when you keep on meeting just acquaintances
I guess it’s like a good doctor or therapist you gotta just keep on trying and hope you find one among all the rest…
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I believe OP could have this thought in the shower…
U good though?
I think they could use someone to vibe with, too.
