i only feel sexual attraction towards my partners, and they have to be sexual first. if they’re not sexual people, i only feel romance to them and no sexual feelings. i frankly don’t wanna bang anyone and have never felt like actually doing so until i met my partner, and even then, it’s more out of curiosity and romantic sparks than anything else (i’m super romantic so i’m not aromantic).
i only feel sexual feelings under certain circumstances, and even then, i use it to make myself happy and not really wanting to have sex with someone.
i am sure i feel sexual attraction, like probably towards my partner, but i’d say less so than most people do, perhaps???
i’m demisexual for now which is on the ace spectrum.
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There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Fuck/don’t fuck whoever you want, you’ll always be valid.
#NoQueerCopsAtPride
The Vegan Police, on the other hand, are very serious business.
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Yet
Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.
Whether you describe yourself as “asexual” or “demisexual” (or "straight’ or “gay”) only matters when you’re looking for a new partner and need to choose how much “what do you mean by that” you want to put up with.
Don’t worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It’s not what defines you.
You are 100% valid.
Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn’t an all or nothing thing.
What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is “sexual first”? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.
One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.
Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.
Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.
Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!
Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.
If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.
Just ignore the labels. They’re one-size-fits-all ideas made up by strangers at some point, so you’ll never be able to properly wear any of them. They’re ultimately pointless things anyway.
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You can call yourself whatever you want.
There’s no sexuality police (yet).Not a stupid question at all, but my recommendation would be to worry less about labels.
Who cares about the label? You’re a human being with all your little quirks and capabilities, just like everyone else and I guarantee you that nobody fits any label perfectly. A label is only required for those with a need to show off the label.
See also https://dlm-econometrics.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-average-man.html?m=1
I don’t see any reason you can’t be anything you want to be.
Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That’s even a common friction point in relationships.
that’s interesting, where is that distinction from?
I’m not sure where it’s ‘from’ necessarily, I’ve just read about it a couple times.
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otherwise known as a normal person.
the vast a majority of folks only have sex in relationships. despite what popular media tells you.
You can be a valid Apache Attack Helicopter if you want to be. Nobody else gets to decide whether that’s valid except you. You might confuse or even mislead some people, you’ll have to be prepared for that, but before you consider whether it even matters that some people get confused or misled, you should consider why it’s any of their business in the first place, because it probably isn’t. If it is, then by all means, check whether it’s valid with them, not us.
the people you are in relationships get to decide what is valid to.
but if you never engage in relationships, yeah you can be an attack helicopter. but if you do feel that way, don’t be surprised that nobody else wants to interact with you.
There might be a more accurate sublabel for your exact position, but so long as the label is serving well enough in it’s purpose as a communication tool and it isn’t getting in your way in other ways, then there’s no reason to fret about it.
I was gonna just say “yeah, that’s textbook demisexual” but at the end I see you realized that already.
Not sure why you feel possibly invalid when it sounds like (based on this post alone) that you are the actual dictionary example.
I’m still kinda figuring it out, but I’m thinking I’m double demi for now (not sure if there’s another word for it).
For me I am far from completely nonsexual (basically allos’ only version of defining “asexual”), but it would only be important at all in a solid relationship (if I could even get that being demiro).
I just don’t feel an urge to go out and “get some”, but if someone I felt familiar and safe with just landed in my lap naked, then something has a decent chance of happening.
I consider that valid asexuality. It might be kinda “dictionary”-like too, but you don’t see a lot mentioned of people having the green and purple stripe (demiro/demisexual). Or at least I don’t.
