Decided to take the initiative with my crush. I asked him if he wanted to come over tonight so I could give him a massage and we could talk about us. He was very enthusiastic and said he wouldn’t miss it. Now I have to go buy massage oil after class because this was kind of a heat-of-the-moment idea…
Now, you might think I’m dumb or clueless, but I’ve only had one boyfriend in my life (from sophomore to senior year of high school), and he took the lead from the very beginning. So this whole approach is a first for me. Very excited for tonight.
As a middle aged man, the best advice I can give you is to state your intentions clearly and unambiguously, and ask it they’re ok with it. Consent goes both ways and starts with explicit statements. Nothing fancy or legalese, start with “I would really like to kiss you right now”, and go from there. No “vibe of the moment” bullshit. Yes, it’s maybe less traditionally romantic. But yes, it’ll lead to a much healthier relationship.
There’s a thought terminating cliche that boys are dumb and don’t get hints. The truth is most if us wouldn’t dare do anything remotely inappropriate based solely upon the assumption that hints were dropped. Hints are by definition subtle and easy to miss and/or misinterpret. Some of us are bold enough to take the plunge and ask if the attraction is mutual. Those who initiate sexual contact based solely on this assumption are rapists.
Agreed… this made me think about stereotypes like “women are attracted to bad boys” and “nice guys finish last” largely stemming from ambiguity about consent.
“Bad boys” refers to behaviors that appear less empathetic, and care less about consent; as in guys that are more reckless and take more risks. Biologically, success in mating is mostly a numbers game, regardless of species, and without taking a chance and trying, the only way you’l ever succeed is through luck. It’s easier to take a risk if you don’t care about consent or the feelings of others.
“Nice guys” refers to behaviors associated with empathy and caring about consent, but sociopathic people also display due to anxiety, cowardice, or attempted coercion/manipulation etc.
The truth is most if us wouldn’t dare do anything remotely inappropriate based solely upon the assumption that hints were dropped.
This can’t be overstated. If a person is caring and empathetic, they are far less likely to take the risk of making the people they care about, or are attracted to, feel uncomfortable, objectified, etc. The threshold in taking a risk will be much higher. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that empathy and care = ability to read “hints”, navigate social situations, or possesses emotional maturity either.
Stating directly and unambiguously what you want while asking for consent at the same time is SO FUCKING HOT!
Frankly, even if I wasn’t into someone, they have my respect when they do this.
He is probably like 99% sure you are into him but might still be scared to risk your relationship over this 1% chance of you just being nice. If he doesnt initiate anything after that just tell him you also want a massage and be proactive from that point on…
Always use this video as a baseline for how stupid guys are: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR_9Yw
I’m gonna be so for real as a guy who never had a girlfriend until he was like 20, you can write everything off as just ‘them being friendly’ to the bitter end. It isn’t a case of being oblivious, but just because until I hear it, I think everyone is just putting up with me because my ego is so bruised.
I get it now being older, fatter, and gayer now, but it can be hard to believe people can just like me.
Is he like that? I dunno because I’m not him, but you might have to just be straightforward with him. State your intentions clearly with him and let him know what you want. That’s the safest bet…
…except it isn’t lol. A ton of people were that with me and guess what? My wounded ego told me they were just putting up with me too. We live in a society.
I hope I made some kind of sense to you. I tend to ramble even in text.
I agree with the other guy, just say what you want. Sounds like you want him to lead but people are different, if you want it to happen then just say.
Can I ask you a question? When I hear the word “crush” I think that you have someone you like but they either don’t reciprocate or don’t know you like them? Is that the case here or have you gone out with this person before on a date where there was clearly a romantic interest from both of you?
I can’t stop laughing, I’m sorry. I’m just imagining that scene from Van Wilder where Taj is giving that girl a massage.
You sound like you’re not even old enough to be having sex.
Unless he’s actually mentally challenged, he knows what’s up after such an invitation. If he’s still casual and aloof, take it as rejection and move on, he may just not have the courage to say it. Good luck! 🫶
