For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.
You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I’m sure she would have been fine with that.
What I wouldn’t have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I “don’t like new things” or “I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine.” That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.
It wasn’t about the “thing”. It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they’re angry.
I completely agree and thank you for articulating it better than I. All my draft replies either read as mean-spirited or dismissive.
So I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I don’t know if OP is coming at if from the same place as me, but I’m broadly anti-consumerist. I prefer using the thing I have until it doesn’t work anymore. When it doesn’t work anymore, I prefer replacing it with something used when possible. If I get something new, I do a lot of research to find something durable and reliable that will last a long time.
There’s a moral aspect to it for me. Every new gadget or tchotchy burns in my mind as future trash, as the sum of all the energy and materials to make and fuel to transport and the resultant pollution. I recycle as much as possible, I limit my consumption as much as possible, when I do have things they are generally books or tools to help me otherwise limit my consumption.
When I get some kitschy thing as a gift, that I don’t need and took resources and generated waste to make, I feel like a vegan being gifted meat. No matter how well-intentioned the giver is, I feel implicated in something that is dirty to me. If you keep telling your family that you’re a vegan, and they keep gifting you meat, any warmth from their intent is dwarfed by the sting that they keep ignoring your wishes.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture. The nicest A5 Wagyu is not a nice gesture to someone who already told you they’re a vegan.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture.
I think this is the heart of it. Really depends on OPs delivery, but if this was at least communicated, I can’t see how they wouldn’t see where OP was coming from too.
It’s so hard in this consumerist society to tell people sometimes it’s a better gesture not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
That’s not what people usually do though. For most people new thing brings joy, (that’s why consumerism is a thing in the first place), so people are buying new thing for you to bring you joy.
Absolutely it is often what people do.
Oh also it doesn’t fucking matter what most people would feel about new things. The gift giver isn’t a stranger. They are married(assuming mother in law comment about the origin of the watch being replaced) and should know by now say least this much about the person they are sharing their life with.
How could you be this oblivious to who your partner is by saying most people would have appreciated it.
Using that reasoning then you are testing your spouse no more intimately than a complete stranger. That would hurt most people…
In requiring this much care for a partner, you need to remember to also give this much care.
It’s not like they took something from him, it was a gift, a gift of a thing he likes, he just got all pissy about how nobody appreciates his hobo aesthetics. When someone gives you a gift, rub some dirt in your new dildo and say thank you for your partner that cares for you and loves you, don’t be a dick.
It think it’s about balance. I have the same view point as yours. Early on, my wife would just get me new things of objects I already had. The difference is timing. I would tell her after the fact to not ruin her mood. She eventually understood and learned.
Every now and then she still does get me a thing I believe I don’t need. But she’s learned to be observant and is usually correct. If it were up to me, I would likely wear socks until all 5 toes are showing through. What I do in this instance is keep the new thing and I make sure I gift the older item to someone in need of it, or as back up for myself if the space allows. I am very much known in my spaces as the person that gives things away. If you’ve been in my life at least 3yrs, you probably own something that belonged to me.
I’m not sure what the relationship is between OP and the partner, but timing of when you tell them, does matter. Don’t do it right when the person has given you the gift, just wait. From what info there is, it doesn’t sound like they are a repeat offender of violating their rules.
Yeah I am honestly taken back at the lack of emotional intelligence in this thread. “HOW DARE YOU NOT UNDERSTAND MY SPECIFIC BRAND OF MISANTHROPE.” Jesus Christ this is some shit most children learn. A gift exchange is a ritual. Complete the fucking ritual you fucking loser, or go hate yourself somewhere else. If someone giving you a fucking gift somehow offends you then deal with it later. Yes, even if you are a vegan receiving Wagyu. A person of even moderate emotional intelligence would laugh about it. “Lmao, you aren’t going to believe this…”
This is pure fundamental attribution fallacy in the most neckbeard way possible.
May I just ask… why? Why this obsession with old and used things? Seems like misplaced concern for the environment/the world.
Misplaced I say because our individual impact is negligible, and 99,99% of all problems stem from like 10 massive polluting corporations.
Because some people don’t think it’s misplaced. It’s not an obsession with old things, it’s an avoidance of new ones. Just because I’m only responsible for a tiny fraction doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore that fraction.
Consumerism is why those massive companies pollute so much in the first place.
If I may ask, why is everyone else so obsessed with new things? Why is it the people who don’t feel the need to constantly buy new products that have to explain themselves? That seems backwards.
I feel like it doesn’t have to be so extreme either way y’know. Getting a new better tool while your old one still (kinda) works is not wasteful. What’s wasteful is for cars to be manufactured purposefully to breakdown earlier. For TVs to break right when warranty expires. That’s something that impacts the world INFINITELY more than you holding on with white fingers to some old shit that’s falling apart.
Right, and buying new stuff when you don’t need it perpetuates all those bad corporate practices. You can want to fix that while also not wanting to personally contribute to the excess.
You and I have different tolerances for waste. I’m not going to preach to you about it, but you should at least respect the wishes of people who want to help in the ways they can.
You’re going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.
100%
OP doesn’t even need to answer, the omission of this kinda indicates they potentially already know why
uhhhh isn’t it a new 3d printer? i thought it is? might be wrong
Nope.
Their partner got them their last 3d printer. Whatever this item is, the version they want to keep is something that came from their mother in law.
Oh you know what, you might be right. I read that part as a non sequitur
On the other hand, maybe it’s a misplaced attempt at maintaining their privacy?
I’m guessing it’s a niche thing easily recognized
The boring answer is that it’s just not important for the story, but I chose to believe that it’s about an old denty disheveled dildo with a handcrank.
Rhymes with Bilbo?
/s
My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I’ve ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.
I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before “deciding” I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.
I think it’s god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.
This guy knows.
Sounds like a relationship with a fair bit of conflict avoidance? I hope you have some good relief valves…
I mean… yeah. I’m not going to hang our laundry out, dirty or otherwise, but we have plenty of conflicts and sometimes it’s good to know what is worth fighting over and what isn’t. This wasn’t.
Fair! Definitely wouldn’t have complained, but I’m a different person :)
So OP uses new printer to print stuff for the wife?
I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate.
You might’ve missed this part because it was kinda buried there. I’m not telling OP what to do or judging. But I related to the feeling and shared what I did.
A) You are acting like an ungrateful tool.
B) Perhaps she should have held off.
Be measured in your response next time, but at least have a conservation about what you want.
We had a convo about what we want. It really helped.
We have an apartment in a nice island of walkability a ways out of town. It’s beautiful but pricy. We have very little extra space.
We dont give gifts; we give experiences. Here’s a spa day for the trip we’re saving up for next year. Can we take the gondola up to the top of the hill for that fancy-pants restaurant your mum wanted to try? Do you remember that spashy canal ride at the animal sanctuary we did the one time, and we almost lost our keys? The adorable kids “selling shells” at Yelapa? How about the whale watching where all we saw was COVID from the borrowed all-weather gear?? Ha ha ha, that sucked.
Memories store well. Pictures of chichen itza, the gondola at Benalmedana, the CN tower, the NYC WoW, they take up so little space - and the last one’s gone now - and they mean so much.
Give experiences, even if all they do is affirm the plan that you’re going to Disneyland next spring, hell or high water. I think they reinforce familial bonds and get people out of their living rooms and into climbing gear or even just a shared breakfast where they can laugh and tease and make new memories.
Now that make more sense.
This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.
People keep telling me this in many situations. Sigh.
So…i hate to add to it…but my husband is mildly autistic and we’ve had this exact conflict with gift giving early in our marriage.
He sees the act of gift giving very logically and practically, which is perfectly fine, but i didnt really understand this early on in our relationship. We eventually sat down, talked about how we each felt, and it clicked that we had a disconnect on the social/emotional layer of gift giving. I saw and felt that gift giving was more of an act of showing the other person they crossed your mind; a display of emotion. On the other hand, my husband saw and felt gift giving was more about making sure the item is exactly what the other person wants, including if that item is “nothing”; logical, literal, and practical.
Sit down together and talk. Use “I” statements, keep calm voices, and dont interrupt. The goal is to express how you feel, listen to how they feel, and work together to help each other understand both perspectives.
Sigh. I’ve tried this with them. It doesn’t work. We need therapy.
Ill be honest, i agree that therapy may be needed, here.
Ive tried this with them. It doesnt work.
Im not a therapist, so take this with a grain of salt, but this is concerning to hear for me. It gives me the impression you might be closed off to your role in the conflict and the effort your spouse is putting in to understand your side (assuming there is effort to talk in any way). Talking together as a couple isnt a “Im trying”, its a “We’re trying.” “We” coming from the recognition that both sides are trying to understand the other even if resolution hasnt been found yet. Dont approach it as a “talk with them”, theyre not a dependent that needs a lecture, but rather as a “talk together” where both sides are actively heard and recognized regardless of if the other agrees. The goal is to understand the other, not necessarily to make your side heard. Once you both understand the other persons perspective, it becomes easier to find the disconnect or middle ground.
Declaring “it doesnt work” isnt trying to understand the other, its shutting things down and wont solve anything anytime soon.
And that is the first, and so far only, comment you engage with.
Because the reply is simple. The other ones require thought and energy.
They can go fuck themselves if they aren’t going to explain that. Being autistic isn’t a god damned reason for you to be insulted.
You might be autistic and don’t know it. Any of us might be.
That person is a piece of shit for treating autism like it’s a slur. And also shitting all over your clear attempt to try to understand this situation.
I would be pissed if someone did that to me and then makes me out to be some villain because they fucked up on their gift.
I didn’t say it as a slur. The fact that you took it that way says more about you than me. The situation described is textbook autistic behavior.
I didn’t take it as a slur
You didn’t explain it or provide any additional context. You used it exactly as it has been used, word for word, as is used when it’s being used as a slur.
I was clear to say without an explanation it is a slur.
I’m not feeling insulted. Moreso just recognized. I don’t think autism is an insult.
I have this feeling on Lemmy a lot
deleted by creator
Good take.
I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.
The sentence that finally got us on the same page:
“I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don’t necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise.”
This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
I couldn’t agree more. A cute little toy or gadget? Sure, surprise me. New laptop, car, washing machine, furniture? What the fuck, why would you surprise someone with that, if I’m to use it I want a say in what kind it is and that we didn’t waste money on bullshit. It’s not even that I don’t trust others, just that I feel left out. A simple “hey, the washing machine broke, I found a good one and I think ill buy it” is enough.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
This part is important. I touched in it a little in my comment to OP as well, but it’s easy to forget that a relationship is not only about how you show love, but how you accept it. I’m glad you’re able to accept some surprises and I’m glad your partner has accepted that not everything should be a surprise. It’s a good compromise!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Seriously though, this is a pretty good rule. I may have to talk to my spouse about doing something similar.
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Haha. That is the perfect example. Just seeing those commercials makes me feel uneasy.
Haha, you and me both. I don’t have too much trouble with surprises, but I think those commercials are super weird and out of touch too. Maybe it’s a class thing, since I don’t know anyone who has ever given a brand new car as a gift. Shrug.
They want to improve your life by giving you something which is not broken and assumedly works better than whatever you’re using now. You are rejecting that because of your insistence that things must be old. They know you will never get it for yourself, and maybe they think you’re just being cheap. It probably hurts them seeing you use what to them looks like a piece of crap. It’s really hard to say without knowing what the actual items involved are In just speculating.
It’s not so much an insistence that things be old. I love refurbishing old things and making them work for me. Just cooked breakfast on a pan my wife and I found in the trash! I treasure items like that more than something I merely threw money at.
For example; I could have a laugh with a friend: “Check out this brand new pan we found in the garbage!” Vs. “Yeah, I went to Walmart and bought a new pan.”
One of my favorite vintage shotguns took me a month to refurbish, make it mine. Promise you’ve never seen one like it. It was all of $200 (parts, stain, every little cost). I’m far more proud of that than the any shotgun I could have bought at the store.
Anyway, I understand OP. But he still shouldn’t have insisted on returning the damned thing.
They literally said the old one still “works just fine”…
And it seems clear from the text that it’s a 3D printer
The text makes clear that the 3d printer was an older gift that they enjoyed (which they enjoyed building)
Yes, and:
“For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have.”
Seems clear that the gift was a replacement printer?
They said only that it is “a thing they already have” there could be literally anything, though they said it was dented which makes me think it’s not a printer
The 3D printer was previously gifted by the spouse.
This new gift would replace something gifted by OP’s mother in law.
They’re different things.
Are you neurodivergent? If, then it seems like a clear and typical misunderstanding of expectations.
If not, consider if you might be 😉
Peer reviewed ✅
A super old sex doll may be harboring microbes that could get your partner sick. Take the hint and accept the new one with some grace and class. Your mother-in-law is probably ok with it.
You may be autistic and should get properly diagnosed. I am not joking. Your spouse was trying to do a nice thing for you and maybe even liked the idea of you using something they got you all the time the way you use your current one. Given how you form emotional attachments to old and familiar things and given how you don’t understand your spouse’s hurt, you are very likely on spectrum. Being diagnosed will help give you the tools to better interact with others, and will help those close to you — like your spouse — know how to relate to you more effectively.
You’re not the first person to say this.
In that case, here’s a plausable explanation that might resonate:
Gifts are a social contract. They are tendering their time, effort, and feelings for you to pick something to make you happy. If they misjudge you and you care about their happiness, thank them, hug them, make them feel special, then make sure you have a gift list available to them next time. This could be a Pinterest board, or anything. Focus on things you’d consider acceptable, even though they’re new. Also, DON’T GIVE THEM THAT LIST RIGHT NOW. In fact, wait until black Friday and tell them you have trouble picking out gifts for them, and ask if they could make a list, and can then, hopefully, safely exchange lists.
Your spouse put a lot of time and strong feelings into picking you birthday a gift. They formed an emotional attachment to this process/gift expecting to make you happy. Perhaps they feel like they don’t get you good gifts, perhaps the price of the item itself was a hardship that they decided to bear on your behalf to make them feel proud, or maybe they feel like you’re too good at getting them gifts. Perhaps you’re extremely hard to shop for since finding you used, repairable items that you’ll appreciate is an insurmountably difficult task from the outside. In any case, they felt that they had done a good job and probably had a solid sigh of relief for figuring something out.
They wrap it, feeling excitement, wanting you to be happy. They hand it over to you. You appear disappointed and want to return it. Even if you put on a good face at the time and later mentioned returning it, All that excitement, pride, and serotonin they had is now instantly gone. They feel awful for not understanding you.
Embarrasment + Shame + Sadness will make some awful anger.
Pick your battles. Someone giving you something nice that you don’t love for your own reasons is rarely a battle worth having. Accept it with grace and admiration for them. Make them as happy as they’re trying to make you.
edit:
also to cover
I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things
While not entirely incorrect here, they are adjacent, but gifting clothes is another type of social contract with some messy implied stipulations. You give it to them, they feel obligated to wear the clothes and that usually comes with public-facing consequences. Self-image is quite fragile in the face of others.
I keep a collection of nerdy t-shirt logos from t-shirt sites all over the net in an image account and my wife has access to it. She can get me anything from there in my size in any form of clothing and I’d gladly accept it and be overjoyed and wear it all without worry.
Your post is like something I could have written, right down to repairing old things and loving them because you breathed new life into them, and because they are familiar, reliable, and comforting. Getting diagnosed opens a world of support and understanding, and I cannot encourage you enough to pursue it. Do it for your marriage and your own happiness. Even if it’s not ASD, a diagnosis helps more than you might initially think.
I’m not alone! Lol.
Yeah, I’ve said elsewhere but you’re not the first person to tell me this.
You’re not! This internet stranger is rooting for you!
Yeah. That was so clear (IMO) that It didn’t even occur to me that this person may not already know.
Even if OP is autistic, it is still an issue that I can see being a problem. OP and his in laws have fundamentally different ideas on what good gifts are. Also, OP has shown an ability to interpret emotions being displayed, possibly better than the neurotypical family members.
Unnecessary, uncool. Why try to label someone why you don’t know, and obviously don’t have the credentials to diagnose?
I mean they did say “you may be…” and then followed it up with advice to talk to a professional. I don’t think there was an attempt to diagnose here, even though I don’t agree with how the comment was worded. Personally, I think everyone should get tested to see what neuroatypicalities they have.
Because this isn’t a regular behavior. Ignoring a potential abnormality will just complicate their life. They didn’t diagnose anyone, please learn to read.
FIFY: This isn’t a regular behavior in my experience.
Because I am autistic, have been through this myself, and game recognizes game. These are classic hallmarks of ASD. I appreciate that you care, but OP clearly needs to take the first step and seek a professional diagnosis, which could change their life for the better.
Nah, it’s cool. They’re not the first person to tell me this.
Even thoug the comment wasnt a direct diagnose its still unessecerly labeling. The explained situation could have multiple layers we cant possibly know of.
Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It’s obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.
they didn’t put any good damned thought into it. Not any that wasn’t completely selfish.
It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any “new” item.
Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?
It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.
It’s also pretty shitty to be told that thing you love sucks take this version they think is better and you HAVE to like it
That’s a pretty extreme interpretation of being given a gift…
You aren’t even OP… Are you OK?
It’s not just any person giving a gift or the giving of a random gift. This is specific to this particular gift, in this particular scenario, to this particular person who explained thoroughly why this was not a good gift to give at all. I’m giving OP benefit if the doubt that their recommendation was doing and should have been understood by their spouse without judgment. As presented, it could easily be misrepresented, but I’m taking it as is for objectivity
A hyperbole (pronounced “hy-per-buh-lee”) is a literary device that uses extreme exaggeration to create strong emphasis
I’m fine, perhaps I went a little too overboard, but it was intending hyperbole to make clear the point I was arguing from, which was that the spouse hurt OP and is being made it as a villain for it
Perhaps I misunderstood this literary device or how to use it, but now you know what I was attempting, I’ll consider an edit if you want to play Editor for a minute
It’s time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It’s more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don’t is both your fault.
No one is suffering here (imo) so that’s a great success.
If no one did anything wrong, then why am I being punished for it? Sigh.
Because we are emotional beings, because nobody is perfect, and because angry people (presumably, both of you) say things they otherwise would not say.
Are you being punished or are you feeling punished. This is a point you should talk about with your s.o
I’ve been dating the same girl for 16 yrs now and she finally understood how important the word “i am sorry” are to me. Is it her fault? Nah is it mine? I don’t think so, because i’m pretty sure i stated it clearly multiple time. Is there really a need for someone to be at fault?
Your s.o anger might not be directed toward you, but more toward the situation, which your are part of.
Being punished or feeling punished?
I’m getting the silent treatment.
I do also feel bad for making them upset. So maybe both.
My S.O. : maybe they feel their good intention weren’t aknowledged? So that’s why they are hurting. It’s important for you to respect your values, but maybe in the process they felt their emotions were discarded by wanting to return the gift.
Me: To be frank, i don’t know :) i don’t know because i’m not you and it’s not my situation. I do know there are no easy statement which will make it all disapear. I also know love hurt sometime, but this suffering is the proof of your love. So take your time, and talk it out. I wish you the best op.
P.s. My s.o is autistic, and she has tendecies to shutdown when she’s upset. Maybe a shutdown instead of the silent treatment, you know your s.o best, but i want you to know Silent treatment is a form of abuse.
This is one of those situations where nobody wins. They tried to do something nice, you didn’t like it, and both people ended up unhappy. Neither was being unreasonable.
Buying someone a gift of a new thing isn’t unreasonable. Even if you tend to like older/used things it’s still not an unreasonable concept to buy someone an upgrade.
Not liking a gift because the old one is fine is also not unreasonable. Especially if you have established this as a preference before.
The best option here is for the partner to realize that the goal of the gift is to make the other person happy, and if that didn’t work, figure out the path forward that does make them happy. (in this case returning the gift, and finding something else)
