A .45 Colt 1911. Find out if it really is God’s caliber.

A DNA/patternity test…

A $10 charity donation in his name

Modern carpenter hand tool. Then maybe he’ll become a world renowned carpenter instead of mingle with idiots that crucified him.

A bible.

Opium

A key chain with his name, “Brian.”

I couldn’t figure out what to give the kid. I mean, a king deserves only the best, and the King of Kings doubly so. But what you do get someone who literally has everything?! I mean, he made everything, well at least his dad did? I don’t know.

So I’d been studying these earwigs that infest the graineries of my subjects and found this really cool one. The sculpting on its abdomen is just beautiful! So I named it after this kid and brought an amphoriskos of them with me to give to the little LORD.

When I knelt and placed the bottle in the kids manger, the mother just jumped up and snatched it, tossing it in a corner. She and the dad (lol) looked at me like I had grown a second head. I get that bugs aren’t everyone’s thing but they didn’t even look at them! The next dung scarabs I find are getting named after his parents.

I arrived well after the other wise men, sweating through my robes and wishing I’d taken a shorter route. I knelt beside the manger and laid out the lamb’s-wool scarf I’d meant to bring. It was soft, pure, perfect. Except the shearing accident had splattered it with dried blood. Mary stared. Joseph’s eyebrows climbed halfway to heaven.

“It’s prophetic symbolism,” I muttered. “You know… blood of the lamb?”

The silence was so heavy it felt like a fourth gift.

Panicking, I pulled a small winter squash from my pack and set it beside the scarf. “And this. For… later.”

The baby gurgled. I decided to take that as forgiveness.

My mixtape

Some weed .

ancestry.com dna kit

Look, I had a lot going on, so I kind of stole some flowers from someone’s yard on the way, but the other wise men caught me. It’s bullshit!

a letter from the real father