Not just “a group of people”. This is me every holiday when I get together with my family.
“Hey little brother, what’s going on in your life?”
“Well, I’m trying to get a home loan to…”
And that’s when I realize my sister asked me that question purely to hear her own voice, and feel like she cares. But the second I say 2 words, I can see her eyes drifting, and her feet all but walk away.
These types of situations have been going on since I was 5.
One time my other sister noticed it happen in real time. And you could see the look on her face like “Awwww…it’s ok…”
Which felt worse than the abandonment of the conversation. That I expect. That’s been going on over 30 years. What I didn’t expect was to be made to feel like a charity case in my own family.
And then they ask why I don’t spend more time with them. When none of them can even name a single one of my interests.
Thats sucks that they do that to you, and I know that pain you feel when it happens.
But I’m going to ask you a question I wish someone had asked me a long time ago: Have you considered that maybe you’re boring? There’s no shame in that, no judgement intended.
You have interests, and they are interesting to you. The vast majority of people would not find anything about you interesting, and you’re blessed with a family that loves you enough to ask how you are. Your response is to start with a home loan? Is your house project super interesting? Are you putting in a fireman’s pole or a hot tub? The minutiae of reflooring a rumpus room is fascinating to the person who owns the rumpus room and exactly no one else.
Your sister asked what’s going on in your life because she’s curious about you. You can tell the same story in a way that relates it to her experience by starting with emotions.
“How am I? I’m stressed, but really excited. This house project has been driving me nuts, but I will be so glad when it’s over. I could actually use your opinion on a paint color, because I want to have a splash of something fun, but everybody is saying to go neutral for resale value. What do you think?”
It’s the same conversation topic, but it’s not about the project anymore. It’s about you and how you’re feeling and how she can relate to you.
Think about the story you’re going to tell, and try to think about your audience. I built a home automation server and was really excited about all the cool things I can do with it. When I geek out about it, though, people run for the hills. So when people ask what I’m into, I skip right to the good stuff.
You know why people love magic tricks? Because they don’t know the details. Their minds fill in the gaps of their knowledge with actual magic. The cardinal rule of magicians is to never reveal the secret. If you show them that you palmed the coin and forced the card and the girl’s legs are curled up under the base of the box, they lose interest before you’re done speaking.
Telling someone about the details of your interests is like explaining how to do a magic trick they’ve never seen before. When you got into your interests, you didn’t start with “How do I get a home loan to do this?” You got interested in the magic part, and then worked backwards to figure it out.
I don’t mean to harp on that example, because I know that was just one example that one time. But you’re describing a common behavior pattern that so many people don’t even realize they fall into. Ask a kid about Pokemon, and they will dive into their favorites, and why this one is better than that one unless you get a shiny egg, and I got a shiny once but when it hatched it was just another Pidgey so I sold it to a friend who has a sister that just started out and he gives her all the shinies he doesn’t care about because she just likes having more Pokemon.
They will never mention how much fun it is to keep fighting elemental sentient animal slaves that ejaculate from balls you keep in your pockets to do battle for you.
Edit your stories like a journalist writes an article. Grab them with a headline, and frontload the interesting bullet points. The longer into the story you get, the more detail you can share, but expect your audience to lose interest two paragraphs in. If someone stops listening before the juicy bits, you’ve told it wrong.
Maybe you didn’t need to read all this. Maybe you’re not boring, and your family really is entirely responsible for not giving a shit about you. Acknowledging that you could become a better storyteller doesn’t absolve them of their apathy towards you. But I know I have a habit of being boring, and I wish someone had given me this advice years ago.
This is some phenomenal advice and I’m afraid the person you gave it to isn’t going to appreciate it in the moment but I want you to know that it’s giving me some thinking.
A stranger on the internet took the time to write out some really helpful constructive advice to something you’re struggling with, and you’re blowing them off with a pedantic clarification? If you really don’t think there’s anything to take away from that comment because they didn’t get your exact example perfectly right, that could be another reason people are trying to escape conversations with you. It doesn’t sound like you want to have them.
Even worse. You’re buying a house? That’s incredibly stressful and fraught with perils that the average person will experience less than once in their lives. You don’t start with the loan, you start with the open house that had the sex swing.
I don’t have a specific house in mind (but I’m thinking about X, or Y, or Z. I really like ______, because _________).
Listen I hate to pile on here, but your responses are lacking proactive elements that create interesting dialogue. And that can come across as very dull indeed.
Don’t sweat it though. Just consider adding more details without being asked. Adding 2-3 extra, unprompted tidbits in the first couple sentences when speaking to someone might be all you need to escape your conversational doldrums.
My mom, who lives half way around the world from me, was on a phone call with me recently. Felt exactly the same. She’s only interested in hearing her own voice and had zero interest in what I had to say. Then she would ask why don’t I share any life stories with her.
I don’t understand why more people don’t go no contact. Blood is meaningless when you have nothing that actually matters in common and the added layer that they don’t actually know who you are and might treat you like crap.
I finally gave up and went no contact 8 years ago and it alleviated so much stress and frustration. Anything I think I miss I have realized is a fantasy that never would happen anyways.
Felt that way a lot with friends and it makes me irrationally angry when it happens multiple times in a row, so I make it a point to ask other people what they were gonna say before they got interrupted. Makes everyone be more respectful and the people who get interrupted feel heard and can share their stories still.
But yeah pretty sure this is the exact reason I kinda distanced myself from one of my friends. She didn’t even acknowledge when I said something so I was just present and that’s about the only reason she wanted me there for I assume. Still makes me mad considering how much I tried to improve my social skills and stuff just to be a ghost irl again.
Not just “a group of people”. This is me every holiday when I get together with my family.
“Hey little brother, what’s going on in your life?”
“Well, I’m trying to get a home loan to…”
And that’s when I realize my sister asked me that question purely to hear her own voice, and feel like she cares. But the second I say 2 words, I can see her eyes drifting, and her feet all but walk away.
These types of situations have been going on since I was 5.
One time my other sister noticed it happen in real time. And you could see the look on her face like “Awwww…it’s ok…”
Which felt worse than the abandonment of the conversation. That I expect. That’s been going on over 30 years. What I didn’t expect was to be made to feel like a charity case in my own family.
And then they ask why I don’t spend more time with them. When none of them can even name a single one of my interests.
Thats sucks that they do that to you, and I know that pain you feel when it happens.
But I’m going to ask you a question I wish someone had asked me a long time ago: Have you considered that maybe you’re boring? There’s no shame in that, no judgement intended.
You have interests, and they are interesting to you. The vast majority of people would not find anything about you interesting, and you’re blessed with a family that loves you enough to ask how you are. Your response is to start with a home loan? Is your house project super interesting? Are you putting in a fireman’s pole or a hot tub? The minutiae of reflooring a rumpus room is fascinating to the person who owns the rumpus room and exactly no one else.
Your sister asked what’s going on in your life because she’s curious about you. You can tell the same story in a way that relates it to her experience by starting with emotions.
“How am I? I’m stressed, but really excited. This house project has been driving me nuts, but I will be so glad when it’s over. I could actually use your opinion on a paint color, because I want to have a splash of something fun, but everybody is saying to go neutral for resale value. What do you think?”
It’s the same conversation topic, but it’s not about the project anymore. It’s about you and how you’re feeling and how she can relate to you.
Think about the story you’re going to tell, and try to think about your audience. I built a home automation server and was really excited about all the cool things I can do with it. When I geek out about it, though, people run for the hills. So when people ask what I’m into, I skip right to the good stuff.
You know why people love magic tricks? Because they don’t know the details. Their minds fill in the gaps of their knowledge with actual magic. The cardinal rule of magicians is to never reveal the secret. If you show them that you palmed the coin and forced the card and the girl’s legs are curled up under the base of the box, they lose interest before you’re done speaking.
Telling someone about the details of your interests is like explaining how to do a magic trick they’ve never seen before. When you got into your interests, you didn’t start with “How do I get a home loan to do this?” You got interested in the magic part, and then worked backwards to figure it out.
I don’t mean to harp on that example, because I know that was just one example that one time. But you’re describing a common behavior pattern that so many people don’t even realize they fall into. Ask a kid about Pokemon, and they will dive into their favorites, and why this one is better than that one unless you get a shiny egg, and I got a shiny once but when it hatched it was just another Pidgey so I sold it to a friend who has a sister that just started out and he gives her all the shinies he doesn’t care about because she just likes having more Pokemon.
They will never mention how much fun it is to keep fighting elemental sentient animal slaves that ejaculate from balls you keep in your pockets to do battle for you.
Edit your stories like a journalist writes an article. Grab them with a headline, and frontload the interesting bullet points. The longer into the story you get, the more detail you can share, but expect your audience to lose interest two paragraphs in. If someone stops listening before the juicy bits, you’ve told it wrong.
Maybe you didn’t need to read all this. Maybe you’re not boring, and your family really is entirely responsible for not giving a shit about you. Acknowledging that you could become a better storyteller doesn’t absolve them of their apathy towards you. But I know I have a habit of being boring, and I wish someone had given me this advice years ago.
This is some phenomenal advice and I’m afraid the person you gave it to isn’t going to appreciate it in the moment but I want you to know that it’s giving me some thinking.
No…a home loan. A loan to buy a home. I don’t have a home yet.
A stranger on the internet took the time to write out some really helpful constructive advice to something you’re struggling with, and you’re blowing them off with a pedantic clarification? If you really don’t think there’s anything to take away from that comment because they didn’t get your exact example perfectly right, that could be another reason people are trying to escape conversations with you. It doesn’t sound like you want to have them.
Even worse. You’re buying a house? That’s incredibly stressful and fraught with perils that the average person will experience less than once in their lives. You don’t start with the loan, you start with the open house that had the sex swing.
I don’t have a specific house in mind. I’m trying to get the loan process started so I can go home shopping.
I don’t have a specific house in mind (but I’m thinking about X, or Y, or Z. I really like ______, because _________).
Listen I hate to pile on here, but your responses are lacking proactive elements that create interesting dialogue. And that can come across as very dull indeed.
Don’t sweat it though. Just consider adding more details without being asked. Adding 2-3 extra, unprompted tidbits in the first couple sentences when speaking to someone might be all you need to escape your conversational doldrums.
Quality posts like this are what keep me coming back to Lemmy.
My mom, who lives half way around the world from me, was on a phone call with me recently. Felt exactly the same. She’s only interested in hearing her own voice and had zero interest in what I had to say. Then she would ask why don’t I share any life stories with her.
I don’t understand why more people don’t go no contact. Blood is meaningless when you have nothing that actually matters in common and the added layer that they don’t actually know who you are and might treat you like crap.
I finally gave up and went no contact 8 years ago and it alleviated so much stress and frustration. Anything I think I miss I have realized is a fantasy that never would happen anyways.
I feel you.
Felt that way a lot with friends and it makes me irrationally angry when it happens multiple times in a row, so I make it a point to ask other people what they were gonna say before they got interrupted. Makes everyone be more respectful and the people who get interrupted feel heard and can share their stories still.
But yeah pretty sure this is the exact reason I kinda distanced myself from one of my friends. She didn’t even acknowledge when I said something so I was just present and that’s about the only reason she wanted me there for I assume. Still makes me mad considering how much I tried to improve my social skills and stuff just to be a ghost irl again.