I’m a man. Only ever dated, been attracted to women. Recently I met this guy and I’m having weird feelings. I can’t quite tell if I’m attracted to him as a person or just like the way he treats me; nonetheless something makes me want to treat him differently than any other guys - the way I would a girl I suppose. My friends say I might be attracted to femininity in general regardless of gender and that’s why I feel this way, and the reason why it hasn’t surfaced until now is because I haven’t yet met a guy to tick those boxes. Wondering if anyone has been through something similar.

  • Phoenixz@lemmy.ca
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    4 days ago

    Who cares? If you like him, and he likes you, go have some fun. If you like it with him, do it again with him. If you like it in general, do it again with other guys as well.

    If you don’t like it, don’t do it again, wt least until the next time you feel curious

    Don’t let weirdo’s dictate.thst you can’t have fun with being curious, don’t feel the need to label everything

  • DJDarren@thelemmy.club
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    4 days ago

    I’m a 44 year old (mostly) straight guy who’s at a point where I don’t really know why any of that stuff really matters to people.

    I was a teenager in Britain in the '90s when it was ridiculously common to refer to something bad as “gay”. So I grew up not homophobic as such, but having definitely equated being gay with negative connotations. But some 15 years ago I started to question my own attitudes, and, helped by a woman I was seeing at the time, I explored the idea of playing gay. I didn’t actually do anything, but she thought the idea was as hot as hell.

    Fast forward to now, where I’m married to a different woman who also thinks that guys fucking is hot, and so do I. So it’s something that’s become an occasional part of our sex life, and it’s great.

    Now, I’m not necessarily answering your question, because sex ≠ emotions. To me sex and emotions aren’t really linked. One is something to be enjoyed, and the other is something to be shared with an intimate partner. But the point is, if you’re a naturally open-minded person then your baseline for who and what you are will be constantly subject to change.

    Are you straight? Are you gay? Are you bi? Are you any of these things? Does it really matter?

    As to your point about being attracted to femininity: I definitely get that. Regardless of how someone identifies, if they’re feminine I’ve got a soft spot for them.

    • Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world
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      4 days ago

      You’ve summed up my feelings pretty accurately.

      I’ve never thought “I’d like to be in a romantic relationship with a man.” But my wife has hinted that she’d love to watch me suck a dick, and I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.

      It doesn’t have to “mean” anything. It’s just people having fun.

      • DJDarren@thelemmy.club
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        3 days ago

        Exactly that. There’s sex as an intimate act between loving partners, then there’s sex as recreation. The two things aren’t necessarily the same. It’s why swinging is so popular.

  • Cethin@lemmy.zip
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    3 days ago

    First, romantic attraction isn’t the same as sexual attraction. Do you want to spend time with them or fuck them?

    Second, honestly I somewhat wish I was attracted to men, but I’m not. I’ve known gay/bi men who are attractive, but I’m not attracted to. I’m not off put by men by any means, but there’s zero sexual attraction to them for me. If this isn’t the case for you, then you may be interested in men but repressing it because you haven’t considered it before.

    This is something you have to figure out for yourself. Consider the idea of sleeping with them and if that idea is interesting to you then I guess you’ve learned something new about yourself. Just like being attracted to women doesn’t mean you’re attracted to all women, the same is true for men and maybe you just hadn’t met a man that does it for you until now.

  • Jumi@lemmy.world
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    3 days ago

    I took me a really long time and a lot of confusion to figure out that I’m ace

    • JackbyDev@programming.dev
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      3 days ago

      Someone who is ace explained it to me that it was very difficult for them to figure out if they were bi/pan or ace because they were equally attracted to everyone, it’s just that the attraction was zero lol.

      • Jumi@lemmy.world
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        3 days ago

        I can confirm that. At first I thought this “butterflies in the stomach” feeling was just an invention and I had girlfriends but I never felt a real spark. Then I got into a queer space and slowly figured things out. These days I always say I’m either content how I am or I have a happy surprise waiting for me, you could say I can only win.

    • ChaoticNeutralCzech@feddit.org
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      3 days ago

      It’s not an easy sexuality to figure out, and I imagine the almost complete lack of ace visibility prior to cca 2020 did not help

  • Jerkface (any/all)@lemmy.ca
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    4 days ago

    Binary gender is such bullshit. Nobody is attracted to every man or every woman. It’s totally normal to be attracted to people who fall into both buckets if that’s your only way of categorizing people. Because that’s not how attraction or sexuality work. It’s so much richer and more nuanced than that.

  • MySkinIsFallingOff@lemmy.world
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    4 days ago

    I think that in reality, every human can relate to this post. Straight, gay, bi, asexual. You meet a person that makes you go “what the fuck is happening?”.

    My opinion is that it doesn’t really mean (or necessarily equate) that you want to have sex with the person. For myself, I consider myself to be heterosexual although I wish I was bisexual. I do however consider myself to be biromantic, and could very well see myself in a relationship with someone of the same gender. The difference is that when I’ve envisioned or been close to trying the sex part, I get actually physically nautious. Not to say “gays make me sick” but, uh 😂😂 Me personally having gay sex makes me sick.

  • TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world
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    4 days ago

    Same thing happened to me.

    We connected more emotionally than normal friends.

    Guy was interested but I let him know that before we did anything physical I might not be ok and it wasn’t anything to do with him. Did not want to hurt his feelings.

    We eventually had a rom com ass first date. Ending in kissing. For me it just felt the same as girls. Always been indifferent sexually but like you said feminine men check boxes.

    Enjoy! It was a formative time for me as a person that made me realize your life can change when the right circumstances come along. No longer with them but glad for the time period.

    • steeznson@lemmy.world
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      4 days ago

      Yeah this makes sense to me. I’ve got queer friends who are in a hetero marriage with one another.

  • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz
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    4 days ago

    Yes. And it sucked. And it still sucks.

    Within the last few year, I’ve finally realized I’ve been asexual my whole life. I’ve had sex before, but I struggled to care about it or enjoy it. It was always inconvenient, messy, went on too long, etc. I had enjoyed spending time with my partners, but I hated sex, and that’s been a huge part of all my relationships.

    And, yes, I’ve had “good sex” before. Just like someone who hates pie can have the best pie ever, it’s still pie!

    I’ve sworn off relationships until I can figure it out, but god knows that every romantic relationship will require sex to let my partner know that I care about them and their needs. I’m sick of compromising. Why the fuck should I need to compromise on something that I don’t want or like? Plus, because I’m not into it, I’m sure my partner would want someone who puts in enthusiastic effort to the endeavor.

    Don’t tell me that I’ll find someone. It’s not comforting, and I’m still grappling with the reality of it. I’d like a partner, but it’s just not feasible for someone like me.

    I’m still mad that I’m like this.

    • Firestorm Druid@lemmy.zip
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      4 days ago

      Without wanting to sound ignorant, wouldn’t finding another ace person help here? Since both would be coming into the relationship with the same set of “goals” and the same mindset

      • dingus@lemmy.world
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        4 days ago

        The problem is that ace people are so incredibly rare that you’re not going to just stumble upon them in the wild. I have similar frustrations as the person you’re responding to. I can never really have that kind of deep relationship with someone because I’m not compatible with 99.99% of people on the planet.

        There are dating websites that are asexual focused, but that doesn’t mean they are densely populated. I go back to these now and then and it’s rather frustrating how few people exist on these websites. I have yet to match with someone who will respond to me, is in my desired age range (not 10+ years older or younger), and is within a day’s driving distance from me.

        • JackbyDev@programming.dev
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          3 days ago

          I know tons of ace people but from a specific fandom. My wife (who is ace) is super into the show Our Flag Means Death. I liked it to, but I’m not a super fan like they are. We’ve met people at conventions into the show and many are ace. The show features a ton of LGBTQ characters. So maybe finding queer media and people into that media is a good way for you to find other asexual folks.

        • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz
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          4 days ago

          That’d be great, if A). ace folks weren’t VERY far and VERY few between, and B). “I’m an ace who actively sex.” Because apparently that’s a thing with 0 differentiation, which makes everything 100000% more frustrating.

    • Tanis Nikana@lemmy.world
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      4 days ago

      I just wanna let you know that it’s possible, out there. I have an asexual wife, and we don’t do any sex, but we’re sickeningly heavy on the romance.

      Those types of people are out there!

    • TexasDrunk@lemmy.world
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      4 days ago

      went on too long

      Well you’ve certainly never been with me then!

      Ok, now that the shit talking is out of the way, I really hope you do find exactly who you’re looking for.

      • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz
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        4 days ago

        Lol I’ve been with all kinds. Long or short, it’s just not an act I’m into. But I remember a time when it went on for what seemed like a near unbearably long time, but the guy seemed very proud of himself, so I didn’t want to rain on his parade. Felt like mental torture just waiting for it to be over.

  • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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    3 days ago

    I spent years questioning my orientation because of how rare and mild my attraction to men was. It wasn’t until I started hormones and it went away completely before I realized definitively that yeah I had been attracted to men.

    My question for you is, do your labels matter more, or your desires? And it’s ok to use the questioning label

  • JackbyDev@programming.dev
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    3 days ago

    I have a sort of extreme opinion, but I don’t believe anyone is 100% straight or 100% gay. (But I don’t believe people should call themselves bi just because they’re 99% straight or 99% gay.) I just think there are way too many people in the world to definitively say you’d never fall for someone of a certain gender.

    I am bisexual. But that’s a bit of an oversimplification. I’m definitely attracted to femininity regardless of gender expression (“femboys”) and find masculine women attractive (“tomboys”), but it’s rare that I find masculine men attractive. My attraction to men in general is pretty rare and usually more like demisexuality. But it feels like such an insane mouthful to say that I’m gynessexual but buromantic because even then that’s still not really giving the whole picture. So I just say I’m bi.

    I found out I was bi in my mid/late 20s, I don’t really remember when. Looking back on some of my friendships with boys in highschool I wonder if some of them I actually was romantically attracted to. As a kid I had a very difficult time knowing when I had a crush on someone, so there is precedent for me having crushes on boys in highschool and not realizing.

    I’ll close with this. There’s nothing wrong with being “heteroflexible”. I used to call myself that before I started calling myself bi. There’s nothing wrong with being straight and calling yourself straight and liking a guy. (Insofar as long as you aren’t lying about it.) Sexualities are just labels to help us better communicate our preferences in an easy way. Don’t let the words define your attractions. Let yourself decide what you’re interested in and then worry about what label to use later. 💜

  • treefrog@lemm.ee
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    4 days ago

    I tend to find myself attracted to kind, not aggressive men. I don’t think of them as feminine men. They can be quite masculine and still kind and not aggressive.

    I was a feminine man, now I’m a trans woman. I still mostly find women attractive, because men tend to be socialized to be aggressive and I don’t like aggressive energy.

    One of these kind, non-aggressive men, the first man I was ever attracted to, is still a dear friend of mine and dating a trans woman himself now. I believe our deep love for each other is something that helped us both to accept ourselves. Even though we’ve never been romantically involved with each other.

  • Everyone, and I think probably especially intellectual people, questions their sexuality (am I attracted to the opposite gender in some way?) and at least their gender expression (am I masculine / feminine enough?) to some extent. It’s no different for a lot of people I think than imposter syndrome and can be tied to a lack of self confidence.

    Everyone is also capable of fantasizing about, basically, whatever, and enjoying it, without the fantasy or enjoyment having to mean anything about how they feel about themselves or how others will feel about them.

    Also, sexual preference, as kinks and fetishes, develop and change in men at least until some surprising age, like, into your 50s. Like you could live your entire life identifying and living as a one thing and by fifty-five be identifying as something else. I think, and I’m not sure yet, be that’s just life. Most people who don’t live in a safe space bubble and don’t leave their home town or school aged friend group have to reinvent themselves multiple times in life.

    Also also, sexual pleasure and gratification is a full body and mind experience and it’s possible that different partners stimulate and gratify different parts of that experience, even different encounters with the same partners. And none of that has to be carried around with you as if it changes anything about who you are or how you should be treated.

    And lastly, it’s fine to treat this person and anyone else in a positive and fun way for both of you. It could be that this person expresses themselves femininely and so your instinct is to be a little different, whether that’s with more compassion and tenderness and even flirty, and I would say confusion is probably a very healthy and intelligent, internal reflex to something like this that is new to you.

    And finally, anyone that says the Roman Empire collapsed because of all the fucking without making babies is a right cunt. If society collapses because of who any of us are fucking then… it was coming either way.

    Edit to make sure someone catches that joke, which may be one of the best I’ve written.

  • Susaga@sh.itjust.works
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    4 days ago

    Its like a math question. You need to show your working, even if you guess the right answer, or you don’t get full marks for it.

  • RedAggroBest@lemmy.world
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    Yea I pretty much threw away labels because it got to be a pain in the ass to try and say anything when I always end up going into that description “I’m just attracted to femininity”.

    • JackbyDev@programming.dev
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      3 days ago

      gynesexual

      Someone who is gynesexual identifies as being attracted to femininity or the female anatomy, regardless of whether the object of one’s affection identifies as a woman.

      Not saying you should use this label, just giving you one that fits what you mentioned. Basically being attracted to women and femme presenting men.