Almost all my life I’ve absolutely despised children. Pretty much from the moment I stopped being a child I’ve hated being around children.
It doesn’t even matter what the child is doing. Whether they’re laughing and having fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum. The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
I’ve had to leave social gatherings/restaurants/grocery stores all because if I’d stayed I’d have made a complete ass of myself by screaming at a child just for existing.
It’s even worse with infants which makes me feel horrible because I know they can’t help it. I know the kids don’t know any better and it’s our job as adults to get them through childhood, but my blood boils when they get loud or demand attention.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Is there anything I can do to stop from getting so angry?
Therapy. It’s clear this is causing you problems in your life. And that’s exactly what therapy is for.
I’m just a dickhead on the Internet, but what you’re describing doesn’t sound normal or healthy to me. Have you tried therapy?
I’ve done therapy a few times now and we never really covered this.
It doesn’t help that I live in a small town so the therapists here are extremely underqualified for actual mental illness and not just helping people through “tough” times
There’s such a thing as remote therapy.
I’ve tried that more times than actual in person therapy and it’s extremely hard for me to form the emotional attachment necessary for me to let my guard down and bare my thoughts and feelings.
It feels so fake and forced. I feel more like a subject being examined than a patient there for care
Your mileage may vary, but have you tried over the phone instead of video chat (if it’s an option where you live)? I felt exactly the same about video, but something about over the phone felt chill, I could just “chat with a friend” in my pajamas. Helped me a lot and neither my therapist or I ever actually saw each other.
Or even just messages. I believe that betterhelp offers purely messages for therapy, which would maybe help start a more trusting relationship first. And they could either stick with messages, or if they’re comfortable, move to voice therapy
At the end of the day with therapy you get out what you put in. They can’t help you work through issues if they don’t know what they are.
I recently had a breakdown and attended therapy. I decided from the start I’d just be completely open and throw everything I have at them.
It was massively helpful and has transformed my life.
It’s their job to listen and not judge and they’ve definitely heard much much worse stuff.
I get that, but for what it’s worth… You really can kind of just dump it on them. They’re not allowed to share it, and they’re often happy to just get to the point sometimes. Though it does feel more transactional that way.
yeah tele medicine isn’t always great. the bond is important, and it’s harder to build that way.
keep checking out your town. even a small town is gonna have a decent number of therapists. don’t worry too much about their expertise. if they’re licensed, they have the training to help you. trust that and focus on the bond.
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Betterhelp was selling medical information to facebook so make sure you find someplace legitimate to get help
The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
Yeah, that’s actually a thing for some people to various degrees.
It’s called misophonia
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24460-misophonia
I had it for high pitched sounds as well, went on Beta Blockers for migraines and it fixed this as well.
The noises are triggering your adrenal response and your body is screaming at you that the noise has to stop and it doesn’t matter what it takes. Beta blockers block adrenaline, so now noises that used to set me on edge are just normal noises to me.
I think one of the current hypothesis is that it might be close to a sound that would attract predators, but sometimes wires get crossed and you have the reaction to a random noise.
Most commonly it’s people hating the sound of others chewing.
I was unfamiliar with misophonia so I went looking into it. I know it is a poorly studied issue, but I wasn’t able to find any peer reviewed research where children’s noises in general were used or reported as a trigger. I found lots of discussion forums, but that is anecdotal.
The reason I went digging is because the op describes all children’s noises, happy, sad, whatever, whereas what I read in the literature was very specific noises were reported as triggers. E.g, lip smacking, chewing, pen clicking, etc. In one study, they even used videos of children and dogs playing to help participants calm down and establish a baseline. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0227118
While I’m admittedly ignorant, it seems OP may have a more general aversion to children than I would expect of misophonia given what I’ve read from medical sources.
I only mention this as a counter suggestion to help op avoid self diagnosing and maybe going down the wrong track.
I think counseling is warranted to help sort it out.
Not specifically kids.
But kids make lots of really high pitched noises, and those can be a trigger.
Happy, sad, for no reason at all.
Kids make a lot of noise, and it’s almost all high pitch
I have misophonia and kids are definitely a big trigger in a lot of ways… Screaming, crying, chewing, coughing. It’s anecdotal, but yeah the high pitch sounds don’t play nice with my brain. Misophonia suuuuuuuuuucks.
I also don’t particularly like kids, but that’s not really about the sound. Just not my cup of tea.
I’ll have to look into this. People chewing normally don’t bother me, but if someone is sitting close and chews with their mouth open… yeah, instant rage.
I have no advice, but I have to say I really admire and appreciate you for acknowledging that it’s unfair for the children and trying to change that. Most people aren’t strong enough to introspect
I would even argue that you’ve already done the hard part
I’ve noticed a correlation between the trait you describe and high-functioning autism. I’ve dated two women with the trait you describe, and one of them was diagnosed HFA, and the other showed signs of HFA but was undiagnosed last I heard.
We have a tendency to expect others to show the same level of maturity as we’ve learned to exhibit ourselves. Being accepting of those who haven’t learned that level of maturity is a skill that must be learned. Learning teaching skills/methods helps with this.
fwiw some people REALLY hate the term “high functioning”, i’m myself what would be called really high functioningly autistic and have been quite condescendingly informed that the term is somehow terrible.
To follow up, you’ll have better luck saying “high succeeding”
Could be worth looking into Misophonia. Basically it’s an irrational anger response to specific noises that vary person to person. I don’t know enough about it to say how it can be dealt with, but it may be something you could find a specialist for.
Seek mental help from a therapist for a start. Instead of talking to people online that you have no idea what their intentions are or which way they wanna steer you best bet is get therapy…you need it.
I’m wondering if you’ve got Misophonia
My first thought as well.
Wow I had never heard of this. Interesting.
Are you a cat?
It’s very weird to me that you’re only listing loud things children do… Like, have you ever been around a sleeping child? Do they bother you? What about in a classroom, watching a movie, or running in the distance (out of earshot)?
Average volume of a child is higher than adults, but only by a factor of 2 or so. And their noises are interpretable, you can definitely figure out what they mean, unlike the adult noises.
Average volume of a child is higher than adults, but only by a factor of 2 or so.
Most adults are also unbearable so that’s not convincing anyone
But I think blaming children for the fact that all people are unbearable is… idk, you’ve mistaken a symptom for a problem? Working on the general misanthropy is probably a better start?
At this point it might as well be a natural response to childeren to link them to the loud noises ( which irritate op ). Tbh, i was thinking the same and it might help you realise what you hate ( childeren, or just loud noises )
As an adult I’m louder sleeping (snoring at 80 dB) than being active in the day
Lol, OSHA gonna visit your bedroom!
No one is working when I’m sleeping
How would you know? You’re sleeping.
Partners
Someone probably needs a CPAP or APAP
I know of one person in my wider circle who reacts also pretty bad when children are being children around him. In his childhood, every time he was loud, wanted attention, or just did what a child does, his parents (they did not even want children; he was an “accident”) got really angry at him. So children being children is a trigger for him.
Talking to a trained professional helped him immensely to handle this.
OP, don’t feel alone or hopeless. There are more of us out here who know exactly what you’re describing because we experience it ourselves.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that it’s your fault for experiencing this - there’s not much you can do to “fix” it, if anything. I’ve been to a therapist and medical professionals, and basically noise cancelling AirPods or ear plugs in public are the only solution. And maybe some medications.
We used to have neighbors with several small children who would - at the same time every day - go play in their backyard. Normal kid thing. But if I was outside, I’d have to go back in. The frequency or pitch or whatever you want to call it of the loud shrieks was literally painful. I would cry.
I see other replies saying it may be a factor of you not being able to express yourself in the same way as a child. I wasn’t either because my mom is terrified of the outside world & it would make her think I was in danger. Whether this played a role or not I have no idea. I don’t want to attribute it to purely psychological reasons when it sounds like there is potentially also an actual physical medical explanation. Maybe it’s a combination, maybe not. Who knows.
It’s a fact of life that IMO you cannot control and will have to have a plan for if and when it occurs. Earplugs, leaving the triggering situation, medication, I hope you find something that works. It is fucking painful. And I can’t control that. And it’s no one’s fault…we just try to avoid situations where young children will be present (which is really fucking hard at times for a woman, btw…baby showers! Parties where the women are expected to be the caretakers because….uterus, I suppose?).
Anyway, best of luck to you, it’s not your fault, and feel free to reach out any time.
You were writing it before i could :
Quick fix : good ear plugs 😄👍 (and the rest of your comment is very nice as well : that, I could not have written)P.S. : Hey cat, please tell me : do you like this song : Supertramp - School (1974) - Crime of the Century (album) ? (Warning : sounds of children playing) … and also I am thinking : maybe desensitization would work ?
I recognize everything you’re saying, and I know it’s presumptuous, but I doubt it’s actually hatred. It’s a very visceral reaction that turns into frustration because it’s often situations you can’t change or extricate yourself from. And if there’s no outlet, anger/rage is one of the easiest emotions. Maybe you should look up Misophonia and see if you recognize it. It won’t fix your issue, but it might help to put a name to it, to know you’re not crazy and you’re definitely not alone. For me it’s not just kids, I also need to get away when I hear people eat. Loud eaters just kill my apetite instantly and the response to it is physical. I just can’t be around it.
Whenever kids make noise, I get this uncontrollable, physical reaction. It’s kind of like nails on blackboard stuff, you know, but a thousand times worse? All it makes me do is wanting to get the fuck out of there. I can actually FEEL it. It’s visceral. And I know they’re not doing it on purpose, and I would never ever let the kid know, because it’s not their fault. But I just can’t deal with it. It’s so bad that I’ve gotten off buses/trams when some baby starts crying, just to wait at the stop for the next one. I’ve actually exited stores, when kids are being loud, which as you know, in some stores is pretty useless because there are almost always kids around. Internet really saved me there, I haven’t been shopping in years, just order pretty much everything online. The worst time for me was a flight where I got stuck with a screaming 4-year old for hours, which actually brought me to tears from frustration, because I couldn’t leave and I couldn’t blame the kid, especially because his mom was a total moron and only made it worse by yelling. Luckily the flight was only a few hours across Europe and not transatlantic, because I might have offed myself.
Sadly I don’t have a fix for you, but if you find one, please let me know. ;) I’ve been luckier than some, in that I only have one sibling, who also doesn’t want kids, and while I do have 2 cousins with kids, we never see each other, which is mostly because I moved abroad over a decade ago. Avoiding places where kids congregrate is easier if there are no kids in your social circle, although of course you can never avoid them 100% of the time.
I’m neridivergent and have issues with misophonia. Your description of listening to people eat was spot on. Hearing people chew food or smack gum makes me want to smack the gum the fuck up out of their mouth. I like these people but the reaction that misophonia causes in me feels barely containable. I’ve had to walk away from people to collect myself or have someone else help customers because of the physical and psychological reaction it causes. It feels violent and torturous. I also have this same reaction to kids and babies being loud or crying. Yes, your crotch goblin is cute. Yes, I recognize that they are kids and these things aren’t controllable. But that doesn’t stop me from having serious sound stimulation overloads that bring me to the brink of sanity, that’s not controllable either no matter how much I wish it was. .
OP, best way to deal with it if it is a misophonia issue is to carry around ear plugs or do what I do and get some nice noise cancelling earbuds. If you’re in a situation that you cant use these things, like a family gathering of people who won’t understand what you’re going through, take frequent breaks. Go outside, go take a breather on the bathroom, talk with someone you trust and see if they will step aside with you for a bit because I’m 100% sure there are others there that don’t want to hear the kids being loud.
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I have exactly the same. Therapy doesn’t work. There is no cure other than faking it. You have to let your rational mind win from that primal repulsive feeling. I also feel immense guilt for feeling this way about innocent little humans.
I still avoid children when I can. This has created a gap between my friends and me, they all have kids. I never go to their place, we always meet in public. I never told them but I think they know, because they don’t treat me differently when I tactically withdraw when children get involved.
Interestingly this is measurable. I have a garmin watch and whenever children are close for 15 mins, I get a relaxation reminder telling me to do breathing exercises. So this mental defect manifests itself physically.
Interestingly this is measurable. I have a garmin watch and whenever children are close for 15 mins, I get a relaxation reminder telling me to do breathing exercises. So this mental defect manifests itself physically.
A stress response is a stress response. When you’re feeling that fight/flight response, it’s not just in your brain. Maybe you have a bit of a mind/body/heart disconnect - I realized I did many years ago in therapy when I was upset about something and he asked where I felt it and I asked what he meant. I’ve worked on it since, paying attention to whether I feel a tightness in my throat, stomach, chest, butterflies, etc. It’s helped me notice patterns I didn’t before.
I got 3 kids, don’t blame you one bit. Don’t feel guilty about it, I think it’s normal. Kids are stressful as fuck.
I just want to commend you on asking for help, and based on your post and replies, it sounds like you can at least offload the belief that you hate children, because it doesn’t seem that way, only that you’re very triggered by the noise, which I can totally relate to. It happens for me with kids and barking dogs, and I have to manage the sound with music and earbuds. Sound sensitivity and being stressed by it is very real for a number of conditions or conditioned mentalities, so I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about it when it’s clear you’re empathetic and don’t want to feel that way, but seeking therapy with someone familiar with such reactions is probably a good idea. Though ultimately personal noise management may still be a big part of the solution.
