For those who don’t know, a Monkey Paw Wish is when you get your wish granted, but in an unexpected usually negative way.
Example:
- I wish human caused global warming would stop.
- It does, but because WW3 leads to Nuclear Winter.
The question here though, is what wish would you be willing to take even though it’ll get monkey paw’d?
So basically you don’t care if the consequences, or would be willing to take the sacrifice for it.
Others can come up with the negative scenarios if they want and the original wisher can decide if it’s still worth it
I wish to be able to wish 3 times from an omnipotent genie that will understand and make come true my wishes the way I intended them to be undestood.
Then I’ll use the genie to negate the effects of the monkey paw.
Granted, but right after you get the wish to wish 3 times from a perfect genie, you get a heart attack and die before you can make additional wishes. The monkey paw is then found by the person you were closest too, and a finger on the paw curls…
Edit: Alt: you get the heart attack and are taken unconscious to the hospital, and someone else gets your perfect genie and steals your idea. Except this person is extremely malicious and makes wishes that makes life for everyone on earth terrible.
I’ve accounted for that ! If you read my wish it says that I wish to wish three time from the genie, thus for my wish to be granted I have to be able to wish three times.
Don’t you have 3 more wishes?
1 - I wish everyone had a monkeys paw
2 - I wish everyone had a genie that granted 3 wishes
3 - I wish everyone who saw a falling star could make one wish come true
4 - I wish the person who broke off the big end of a wish bone could grant one wish they desired
5 - I wish every cat and dog had a safe loving household to live in
I actually just had this happen to me irl. My old office was colloquially referred to as “The Dungeon” bc it was in the basement of an old dark campus building and to get there you had to take a somewhat circuitous path. I pleaded with my boss to move us to a new space with windows.
A few years later, we were able to move into a new suite in a different building with the rest of my department. Our new office even has windows! Except they’re interior windows that face out into other surrounding rooms, instead of exterior windows bringing in natural light which unfortunately I didn’t specifically mention in my wish. 😂
I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce AND mustard. And I don’t want any zombie turkeys, I don’t want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don’t want any other weird surprises, got it?
Granted. The turkey is a little dry.
THE TURKEY’S A LITTLE DRY???
Oh foul accursed thing! What demon from the depths of Hell created thee?!
You bring it to work at the museum and your coworker eats it
Got it. It disappointing and unsatisfying
I wish it was the year of Linux, and they get 90%+ market share overnight when Gabe Newell announces you can play Half Life 3 exclusively on Steam OS, which includes in-game copies of The Winds of Winter, Doors of Stone, an English translation of Mother 3, and footage of 10 seasons of Firefly that had secretly been produced in private for Gabe.
The downside is they start the enshittification process immediately. The DRMs get worse, then the ads come, and finally the lawsuits and psyops on distros that treat us well and give us options.
A solar storm wipes out almost all computers and all tech to build chips.
In a bizarre twist of fate, a couple of houndreds linux pcs, a handfull of steam decks and a windows millennium survived the blast.
I would make the money’s paw consequences similar, but slightly different.
A bad microsoft update somehow manages to permanently brick every windows computer on the planet overnight. Linux is now the dominant operating system, but mass societal chaos results from 90% of computers being permanently bricked.
Oh, that is an interesting one.
Linux beats Windows, but also some become Windows eventually?
The other perks make me lean towards it being worth it, because this also implies the downfall of Microsoft.
Don’t you tease me with The Doors of Stone, even in a hypothetical.
The DRMs
Not a ‘countable’ style of initialism.
Hey here’s part of that wish granted with hopefully no downsides. https://mother3.fobby.net/
Donald Trump bumps his head and wakes up as an objective and rational person willing and capable of acting for the good of his country and the world instead of his own unintelligent, narcissistic ways.
He gets impeached and convicted for abuse of power (because he is unwilling to cave in to corporate demands).
Now you have President Vance!
🙃
The down side is his rational arguments and rational way of thinking is always opposite of what you want. He also convinces the state and federal legislators to repeal the twenty second amendment and he stays in office for several terms.
Granted. Nothing changes. He is willing and capable, but his incentives for keeping things the way they are are too good.
His followers believe some kind of twisted conspiracy theory about him being replaced by reptiloids and want to overthrow the woke communist impersonator, war ensures.
Accepted. I for one welcome our new reptiloid overlords.
Granted. Trump is now fully capable of stripping the people of their rights to enrich the state and turn America into an effective fascist engine of war. He then turns his machine on the rest of the world to spread the goodness of America.
I wish lootsnake and hollow knight: silksong released tomorrow
Done, but they’re a buggy mess.
Would it be worth it?
Yes.
I wish housing prices were actually reasonable and my generation (tail end of millennials) could afford to buy a house in the cities we have to work in.
Granted. All houses are now 18sq ft and only available in cities where all jobs require you to clock in at 5AM and clock out at midnight.
The housing prices crash no one builds decent homes and all you can buy is a trailer house.
Are you saying I get my very own trailer house? Woah! Look at me! House owner extraordinaire 🧐
Hey man, if they were putting trailer houses on Beacon Hill in Boston I’d take one.
The situation is so bad over there it took me awhile to think of how this could be made bad.
I’d go with:
Granted, but groceries and water go up in price 1000% because a war breaks out and a bioweapon has been used on the nation’s food supply.
Summer did it pretty well.
Unless I have some sort of guarantee about what sort of twist the paw is doing, I’m not going to take it. Example: If the paw twists big, greedy wishes more than small, selfless wishes then I might be willing to do a small, selfless wish. If the paw is just an asshole who twists everything as much as possible, I’ll pass.
It twists them both equally, but up don’t know exactly how the twist might be usually. Sometimes it could be something that takes years to take effect. Sometimes minutes. Sometimes you might notice the effect yourself into later.
I wish that no life in the entire universe has and will ever attain civilization.
Granted.
Life is now characterized as any entity that extracts energy from its environment, replicates, and has EXACTLY 3 nipples.
Civilizations are now comprised exclusively of nonliving animates.
Touché! I didn’t expect this. What are the nipples made of? Are they lactating? Just for display? Also, are they erogenous?
Fine. The nipples are erogenous and also made of lead. That should help.
Groceries will be affordable. But Nearly all Restaurants will be out of business.
Abortion Rights would be restored and codified, LGBTQ Rights would be codified, Workers Rights would be strengthened and we’ll adopt a newly christened Migrant Rights But getting into certain job fields will be harder
American Politicians will no longer be corrupt But we will enter a World War to make it happen
Your privacy will be stored as an act will pass for companies to no longer mooch data off from you You will have to endure a life of nothing but verification checks
That sounds surprisingly tolerable.
I wish Donald Trump a short productive term and long health.
Granted. Trump succeeds in ending the USA republic and leads to a racist empire lead by the tiger king.
I meet a beautiful intelligent woman, we are the perfect match for each other, we fall in love, get married and live happily ever after.
we fall in love
Missing specifier. You each fall in love with other people.
get married
Missing specifier. You each marry neither your perfect matches nor the other people you each fell in love with.
live happily
Mental illness can provide happiness. This seems almost good, and yet…
ever after
Insufficiently specific. You both die in the same mass road accident, travelling in separate vehicles with your respective spouses, not long after you’re each married.
Excellent monkey’s paw. I thought I was being specific, but apparently not even close. Definitely not worth it.
Ok take two, the wish is actually granted:
Your beautiful wife is incredibly intelligent and is perfect for you… as a result of profound psychopathy. She has chosen you specifically as the next in a chain of husbands with whom she has meticulously crafted idyllic relationships for the purpose of complete psychological and emotional control. Once sufficiently in her intoxicatingly romantic grasp, she convinces you of the simple joys of homicide. You eliminate her previous husband together, then your own family as a gesture of pure devotion. You fall into a pattern of orphanage arson, elderly abuse, and kitten stomping before she ultimately gets you both positions as mid level managers at united healthcare.
You couldn’t be happier.
If this was just some minor crime, sounds great honestly. I definitely draw the line at the murder of innocents though. Not worth it.
It is all the result of paranoid schizophrenia. She doesn’t exist, you estrange your family, and you ultimately die from a slow descent into indigence and squalor because you are unable to escape the prison of your own mind.
Realistic. Doesn’t the monkey’s paw have to actually grant the wish though?
Hmmm… yeah maybe. I’ll take another crack in a minute.
Well, reality is what we perceive, so it might actually be a worthy tradeoff for some people
As you celebrate your 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th anniversary and witness the heat death of the universe, you realize that all matter and energy has dispersed, is no longer observable, and that you and your beloved will be floating in a void of nothingness forever.
I kinda don’t hate this, if it’s an eternal youth / total invincibility sort of thing, and existing in the vacuum of space isn’t uncomfortable.
Actually, with future technology it might be possible to modify our brains to make a sort of shared virtual dream world, with an avatar-style neural connection. Not a bad way to spend eternity.
Also even without brain/body modification, we might be able to train ourselves to hibernate and just wait for a big quantum fluctuation. Assuming the universe doesn’t have an end, we would eventually meet intelligent life, even humans, again.
I’m honestly undecided. As a mortal human, I don’t really know if I want true immortality or not.
I work for a little mom and pop business that basically operates like an anarcho-syndicalist collective; the boss more or less does his own thing full time and lets us all run things on our own. It’s mostly fine but I’ve had a few times where I’ve… almost… wished that we had an actual manager to help keep things in line.
